ON THE LIGHTER SIDE, JAN Subject: Genealogy Thinking Process > Today I am going to step into the shoes of someone else. I live in and > nearby the mountains many of our ancestors crossed to settle Middle > Tennessee. I don't think about it much until I drive out or in, and > Then it never fails to cross my mind and I am in total awe. > > What kind motivation did it take for folks to set out on a journey over > mountains that unwelcoming and that daunting, in danger of natives, > nature itself....knowing full well they may never see the end of it, and > > that > if they did they were more than likely to lose half their family in the > process? What kind of thoughts crossed their mind when they made that > decision? What kind of inner strength and fortitude did they possess > that many of us today do not? Well...bear with a bit of a reverie > here...may > not totally be historically accurate, but I think the thoughts of a > mother > and a wife are...I stepped into the past and into the shoes of someone > who > might have been one of those folks: > > "Johnny is decided. I reckon I have but one choice and it ain't an easy > one. He says we have no choice, that we have to move on west and that > now is the time to do it. There is land waiting in Tennessee he says, > land > that can be ours. He says any citizen of North Carolina now has a right > to > what ain't taken. He says there is nothin here for us anymore, and I am > reckoning that is right too. But my heart is twisting in the inside of > me and that is so as well. > > I got three babies buried out back there to leave behind. The fever got > Jakie... buried him at the age of two and like to broke my heart. Big > strong boy, was sure he would make it...but the fever got him. Lizzie > died at two months and Johnny never knew her name. He told me plain she > wasn't healthy and not to get attached to her, to leave off the name so > I > wouldn't until we knew would she make it or not. But I couldn't stand > putting her > down in the ground without a name. I called her Lizzie in whispers and > the day we buried her I whispered in her ear hopin somehow she would > hear > me, "Yore name is LIZZIE...Elizabeth Jane Clark, after your grandma, you > > hear? I named you after the mama I loved and that is yore name cause I > love > you too." > > I knew full well how it is to bring youngins into the world and knew I > would be burying them too, but I couldn't stand that baby nameless. > Ain't no marker there, but I know it is Lizzie...nobody else does and > when I > leave here won't nobody know. Mattie is the third and I don't know how > Johnny can not think of that...I reckon he does but does no good to be > dwellin on it...a man's way. Mattie lived to be twelve. She was Johnny's > > pick. Yes, it twists my heart the thought of leavin those babies out > back > there, worse even than it twists my heart I am leavin my mama's grave > and those > of my three brothers and two sisters. Won't nobody know my babies are > there, won't nobody else pass by and stand a minute to remember. I > won't never > be back. I done decided before I go I am gonna go out back there and lay > > some big stones where they are, gonna scratch their names in it if I > can, > gonna lay some flowers there and tell them good-bye. I know it don't > make no > sense, but somehow I feel like I am deserting my babies, even if I > cain't talk to them nor they to me. > > That ain't all the thinkin and heart twistin I am doin about leavin > here...Papa has my brothers that are livin, and my sister, Jane; but, I > know the day I tell them goodbye is the last time I am gonna see them. I > > know > Papa will die and I won't be here to bury him, nor any of the others > either. There is somethin comforting about washing and dressing your > dead...about lovin em gentle-like one last time and doin all you can for > > them before you send them on to the next world, and I won't get to do > that...won't even know when it happens...will live all my days wondering > > if Papa is gone yet, or the others, and when they went, and how. > > I won't watch my nieces and nephews grow up and I won't have Jane no > more to talk to. Maybe I can send them word somehow along the way we are > > all > right, maybe sometime they can send me word...but don't see how as > things are now. They don't show no notion of following us to Tennessee. > Only > Johnny's brothers going to do that. All I will be able to do is lookup > at the stars at night and think "well Papa and Jane might be looking up > at > these same stars...might not be together, but we in the same world with > the same roof...that is something". > > And the heart tuggin just goes right on too....I pitched an everlovin > Fit when Johnny come up with this. I looked at my livin youngins, all > six of > them, looked at their eyes a 'shinin as Johnny told em what was waitin > out there for the takin, the times we would have, the future they had > ahead...and I tell you my heart broke like somebody took a hammer and > crushed it, over and over six times and no mercy.Those blue eyes shinin, > > those bright heads dancin up and down in excitement....and not a one of > em old enough or with sense enough to know that they all wouldn't make > it. > We'll wind up burying some of em on one of those mountains loomin up > Like walls that reach to the clouds, or beside the river..I know we will > > and > there ain't no two ways about it...and I know if my heart is breakin now > > it is gonna break even more then...Johnny won't have no time to let me > stay > there a spell and grieve..we will just have to leave them behind where > ain't nobody, not even Jane, gonna know or drop on by and stay with them > > a spell now and then...I won't even know for sure where it is I left my > babies on the way. Don't know how we will even go about buryin em right, > > puttin them away like a mama ought to have the right to lay her babies > to the final rest. > > And taint no sense dwellin on it. I know good and well could be none of > us gonna make it, and for sure, if we stayed here neither there ain't no > > guarantee ...whole families I watched wiped out by first one thing and > then the other. Caint vouch that the natives won't get us, nor a > sickness, > nor bad water,nor a piece of bad blood waiting to ambush us on the > trail. > Cain't vouch that river won't get us, have heard about that river and > The places in it. Cain't vouch how long what supplies we have will last, > > nor > for sure we can get more. Caint vouch for nothin much at all, cept > Johnny is right. > > Ain't nothin much for us here, gettin less and less all the time, and > What of our babies make it, if any of em do, well they will have a > better > chance for it. They may can own their own land this way, get by easier > in the > world once that place is settled in. Maybe they can have things someday > me and Johnny never dreamed of. But it shorely is a high price to pay. > It > shorely is. > > And I reckon I'll follow Johnny even if my heart is twisting and bleed > inside of me to where I don't know how I am gonna keep on keepin on. > Johnny is decided and I reckon he is right." > > And that is what I think might have gone through a mother's mind two > hundred years ago. >