BENEFITS OF GETTING OLDER >> * In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. >> * It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. >> * Kidnappers are not very interested in you. >> * No one expects you to run into a burning building. >> * People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" >> * People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. >> * There's nothing left to learn the hard way. >> * Things you buy now won't wear out. >> * You buy a compass for the dash of your car. >> * You can eat dinner at 4:00 >> * You can live without sex but not without glasses. >> * You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch >> television. >> * You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. >> * You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. >> * You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. >> * You get into a heated argument about pension plans. >> * You got cable for the weather channel. >> * You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. >> * You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. >> * You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the >> room. * You send money to PBS. >> * You sing along with the elevator music. >> * You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. >> * Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. >> * Your back goes out more than you do. >> * Your ears are hairier than your head. >> * Your eyes won't get much worse. >> * Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. >> * Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. >> * Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them >> either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.