Found this in the 1996 Carr Archives and thought I'd share it. > > Subject: Downsizing Christmas > > The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the > early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern > about > whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at > the North Pole. > > Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no > longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping > channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and > he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. > > The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late > model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from > Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is > anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of > service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental > emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable > press. > > I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be > disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. > Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak > that > Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. > Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share > of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and > taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under > executive stress. > > As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North > Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective > immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the > "Twelve > Days of Christmas" subsidiary: > > The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be > the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, > providing considerable savings in maintenance. > > The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost > effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be > condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. > > The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the > French. > > The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, > with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the > birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. > > The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. > Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative > implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other > precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks > appear to be in order. > > The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be > afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per > goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese > will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel > will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good > one. > > The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. > The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The > current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore > enhance their outplacement. > > As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy > scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being > sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no > upward > mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, > a- mentoring or a-mulching. > > Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be > phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. > > Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense > of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest > replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping > ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we > expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. > > Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the > band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on > new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down > to > the bottom line. > > We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and > other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching > deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one > day, > service levels will be improved. > > Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion > to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is > pending. > > Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in > the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request > management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is > the right number.