Dearest Victor: You now have a world-wide support group, intent in correcting the intolerable and excessive abuse foisted upon you by your unappreciative unstabale two-legged host. We are aware of the prisoners diet forced upon you and the unkept conditions in which you are unfortunately confined in that unheated, dimly-lit shed with no television or running water. As to your being denied visitors and phone calls, these things will soon be corrected by the local authorities. An international attorney is being appointed for you. It is the collective view of your international supporters, that you should lay low, ever vigilant, especially in the evenings when old Grumpy has been nipping on the Highland Park. Wait till midnight to make your moves in darkness, resting assured that big G has single malted himself into a night long oblique stiffness. Be careful not to be lured towards any Grimbister cheese bits or chunks of shortbread that might be suspended on a metal forkish thing, mounted on a shiny softwood plate. Taking that bait could be the last thing you do. Nestle high or low beneath or above old G's imagination or his easy reach, in daylight hours. I have made provisional application for your refugee immigrant status with the Canadian government. I should have the paperwork back and approved within a week. Your application scores high and wide above and beyond the minimum standards imposed by our Canadian authorities. You will be given free passage here, first class, in a British Airways jet, lodging at a hotel here, and expense money, until you can settle in to your new apartment (furnished) and report to work in your starting position as a Revenue Canada supervisor. If you don't like the job, the government will lend you the money to open your own convenience store. Counseling will be provided on an ongoing, as needed basis. Within one year you can sponsor your relatives for immigration, limited unfortunately to eight per year. However they in turn can sponsor eight each after one year. That gives you 512 family immigrants after year three, then into the thousands thereafter, each year. Meanwhile, if you can get a photo of old Grumpy, or even the location and name on his mailbox, we will have him brought before an international tribunal on various charges appropriate for his Vole-a-tile manner. In his position as member of parliament he cannot be taken lightly. Merry Christmas furry friend. Stop munching on his gardening gloves. It irritates him into fits that threaten your well being. Please don't chew on any more little trees till you get over here. Then you can chew away till your pulsing little heart is content. We're all cheering for ya! Help Is On The Way! Lay low and stay out of the snow. Grumpy follows those tracks, you know. Emigrant Orcadians of the Free World Inc. 1-800-C'MON-OVER On Saturday, December 13, 2003, at 08:42 AM, Grumpy wrote: > Chilly weather greetings, > > Now before the animal activists get up in arms over the subject matter > of > this e-mail, let me explain it's not as first it appears. > > Yesterday morning I took into my shed a old plastic bag that had been > laying > outside for months, it contained a lot of bits and pieces that needed > sorting out. After about ten minutes of placing the bag in the shed, > out > from the bag scurried "The Orkney Vole" alias "Microtus arvalis > orcadensis" > as he sometimes likes to be known. Now "The Orkney Vole" is said to be > quite > different from the mainland vole, hence the "orcadensis" part of his > Latin > name. Another feature that differs between the two species, is their > eating > habits, where as the mainland vole is a herbivore, the Orkney Vole's > diet > consists entirely of bere bannocks and ginger snaps! > > My problem at the moment is how to evict Victor (that's the name I have > given him) from my shed. So far all peaceful negotiations have failed > and he > his claiming squatters rights, something to do with his ancestors > having > lived in Orkney for the past 5,000 years. As Victor is one of God's > most > beloved of creatures I wish him no harm and I'm sure my shed is a far > better > place to stay during an Orkney winter, also his survival rate will be > greater in the cozy environment of my shed. Quite clearly Victor is > going to > need feed during the long and hard Orkney winter, and with his very > large > appetite of 1 bere bannock and 6 ginger snaps per day, I am going to > need > fresh and plentiful supplies of his favourite food. May I humbly take > this > opportunity to ask everyone to give generously to this worthwhile > cause, I > have a freezer so I can always freeze the bere bannocks and ginger > snaps > should the response be over whelming. > > Take care > > Grumpy and Victor > > > ==== ORCADIA Mailing List ==== > To unsubscribe from the Orcadia mailing list, send an e-mail with the > word > 'unsubscribe' in the message body to orcadia-l-request@rootsweb.com >