True Story... (If you live in Arkansas this could be your mother!) An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ! SIGNS OF OLD AGE... Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals. You keep repeating yourself. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D. You keep repeating yourself. Your children begin to look middle aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet. You look forward to a dull evening. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today." You keep repeating yourself. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" You answer a question with, "Because I said so." You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV. You got cable for the Weather Channel. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You keep repeating yourself. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.