| Subject: An Honorable Response To Newly Announced Revocation | | Since we are a people fascinated by titles, the landed gentry, and all | things royal (particularly anything concerning the Queen of Hearts, that | late, great Lady Diana), on behalf of all Yankee citizens, we are delighted | to accept your offer, provided the following is observed: | | 1. You MUST take control of Utah; none of us can stand the Mormons either. | Also, please remember to ban intermarriage in those other states where it is | still perfectly legal. (Though, given the royal family's penchant for cousin | humping, perhaps this is but a dream...) | | 2. Tony Blair shall be acceptable to us as our leader, provided that he | learns how to speak in an Arkansan twang. Since he has copied Bill Clinton | on virtually everything else, I daren't say this should be a problem. | | 3. On aluminum/aluminium pronunciations, we understand that the Brits must | insist on guarding silly and inefficient spelling which they've stolen from | the French and other foul Continentals. You need those extra vowels on | similar stolen words like "colour" to give you one last chance to stop | mumbling all the time. (Though, admittedly, this hasn't worked and the | inability of anyone to understand the entire tribe of British mumblers may | be why you lost the empire in the first place and why we can't distinguish | you from your former convicts, the Aussies.) | | 4. We are more than glad to cast English actors as the good guys, as long as | there are any good English actors. (Please do not offer Hugh Grant or | Kenneth Branagh as an example of your nation's acting prowess.) On a side | note, please stop offering up star vehicles for Emma Thompson and Kate | Winslet in which they mumble through an English classic about class and | romance while wearing costumes that look like our grandmothers' tatty | curtains. | | 5. We do sing "God Save the Queen" or the tune, at least, to the words of | "America the Beautiful." Compromise: You keep the tune; we'll keep the words | for the newly UNindependent U.S. | | 6. On the speeding up football initiative, a great idea in principle, but | how in the hell is one supposed to have time to get more beer and use the | facilities in games that move so quickly? All for rugby, provided you do | something about those terrible disfigured ears and that scrum rash that | breaks out on players. You know how we are about all things cosmetic, and | you should be too. Notice that there is no "Big Book of British Smiles" | anywhere in existence. | | 7. Most of us have always wanted to invade Canada, particularly the .05% of | Americans who have traveled and actually seen the obnoxious ones wearing | Canadian flags on their gear in some desperate hope not to appear American. | We always thank them for this courtesy, as we do not wish to be confused | with the land of Celine Dion and Bryan Adams. Perhaps we can do something | more useful with their natural resources once we invade, like make more beer | and kill all erstwhile chanteurs. (Our latent desire to invade expressed | clearly in "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut".) | | Sidenote: Thank you for the translation of "Merde." Since the English are | similarly unknown for their linguistic prowess, we are sadly certain that | the only reason the English know the French word for "shit" is because they | have heard the Frogs shout it so often while French soldiers fled frontlines | leaving English troops to the Krauts in the two great wars of this century. | We are sorry about leaving you solitary allies with them so long, and look | forward to making it up to you during this new period of governance. | | 8. Taking July 4th away may not benefit you. We understand from Guy Fawkes | Day that you too like to get drunk and shoot off fireworks. Why not have 2 | such days for all our drunken pyromaniacs, in the spirit of reunion and | togetherness? | | 9. Thank you for absolving us of American cars. Please get rid of all | Firestone tires as well. We know you understand the excellence of German | machinery from your previous experiences with them this century. (See | apology in #7.) | | 10. We'll tell you who killed JFK, but only if you tell us who killed Diana | first. | | We look forward to working with you toward a profitable, promising, and | completely OTT future. And, in the spirit of Yankee openness (read: | cheesiness), quite frankly, we've missed you! | | | | | | | | | | --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.211 / Virus Database: 100 - Release Date: 14/11/00