>Subject: Now you don't need to feel so stupid when your computer acts >up.********* > >A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The >tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, >"No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting >in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." > >************************************************* > >Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same >time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the >letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." >Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." >Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." >Customer: "What do you mean?" >Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." >Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" > >************************************************* > >Overheard in a computer shop: >Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." >Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." >Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" > >************************************************* > >I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to >the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. > >************************************************* > >Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for >me?" > >************************************************* > >I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start >something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" > >************************************************* > >Customer:"So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" >Tech Support: "Yeah." >Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" >Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." > >************************************************* > >Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." >Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a >Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." >Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it >was meant to-" >Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in >icons." >Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a >filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" >Customer: [click] > >************************************************* > >Customer: "My computer crashed!" >Tech Support: "It crashed?" >Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." >Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." >Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed." >Tech Support: "Huh?" >Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my >spaceship and now it doesn't work." >Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" >Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" > >************************************************* > >Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems:the >bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange >that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. > >I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test >sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to >the printer. >As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me.I >told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved. > >************************************************* > >I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for >about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't >solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, >which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and >yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green >printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. > >I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and >reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they >offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about >to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked >quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this >yellow paper?" > >************************************************* > >A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech >support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the >printer." > >On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the >screen, but the computer still couldn't find it. > >************************************************* > >And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the >opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that >the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we >asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her. > >************************************************* > >An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows >installation that had gone terribly wrong. >Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home >computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so >I let the little act of piracy slide. > >Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it >turns out they weren't initialized." >Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" >Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down: 'This is not a Macintosh disk.Would >you like to initialize it?'" >Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" >Customer: "After they were initialised, all the disks appeared to be blank. >And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A:drive; >the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for >the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" > >************************************************* > >This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every >time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in >capital letters. >Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." >Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." > >************************************************* > >Email from a friend: >"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?" > >************************************************* > >My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a >young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms >crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he >noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was >impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied >"It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!" > >******************************************************** > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com. --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.230 / Virus Database: 111 - Release Date: 1/25/01