Oldest daughter...bless her soul! Begin forwarded message: > From: <[email protected]> > Date: March 13, 2012 1:09:56 PM EDT > To: <[email protected]> > Subject: FW: Here is your laugh for the morning - get your depends > > Congratulations on getting your car back! J Here’s a funny story my friend sent me this morning. > > Subject: Here is your laugh for the morning - get your depends > > We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the > summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who > are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old > child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a > good parent. > Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only > sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he > can get without actually performing a French kiss on me. > Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you > that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit, including > locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost > over $200. But I digress. > Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the > project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of > cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that > I like more than family most of the time. > I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner > rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. > I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up > so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, > thus the assignment. > I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs > am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not > wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on > baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. > Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls > were ready to go in the oven. > It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, > much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to > Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over > to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the > Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear > even his cheeks were bloated. > I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of > uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay; however, I > needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. > God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my > kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to > bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him > onto the bed for the night. > We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, put the dog out to > relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first > leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the > time when he was walking, his front half was going one direction and the > other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another > direction. > He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the > same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't > stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. > His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured > another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) > before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he > was indeed drunk. > He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it > would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto > Bismol. > Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up > and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of > the day. > My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute > drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog > leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, > we took off. > Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me > when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL > BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat > any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst > of it. > Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God > strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the > entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she > did. > Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door > locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the > day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone > made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a > tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of > course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was > no exception. > Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, > you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's > digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this > was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having > discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car > so we could hose down the floor. > This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from > the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the > blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and > cure. > We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else > was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a > coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't > degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the > poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed > too. > Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home > and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at > Perry's sister's house. > I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to > normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer > tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report > that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my > closet door. > It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but > decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing > research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the > carpet.' > And how was your day? > > > > > > > Mendy Frank > Administrative Assistant > Federal Highway Administration > Office of Human Resources > 1200 New Jersey Avenue, SE > Washington, DC 20590 > (202)366-0530 > [email protected] > >