Must cut in after a long break. The story goes on and on but the jist is: Buddy away to mainland for years and years. Returns to his isolated community and on the front (?the gunnel)of the boat, coming into the cove, out of the fog. Old timer sees him and says "Lard, Jaysus! Tis you!" We all knows it was not Jesus the devine one! -----Original Message----- From: Matt Mullaly [mailto:2matt@rogers.com] Sent: Sunday, August 10, 2003 7:52 PM To: NFLD-LAB-L@rootsweb.com Subject: [NFLD-LAB] NFLD RANT > > > Welcome to Planet Newfoundland; 4th Rock from the Sun. > > > > I AM A NEWFOUNDLANDER > > > > First off, WE INVENTED RANTING long before there was MOLSON CANADIAN, > > or even the MONTREAL CANADIENS. > > > > I am not unemployed, but I know people who are. Some of them may be > > related through marriage, but they WEREN'T RELATED BEFORE THEN. > > > > I HATE THE SMELL, TASTE, TEXTURE AND SIGHT OF FISH. I don't fish, my > > father didn't fish, my grandfather probably did, and I KNOW HIS father > > DEFINITELY DID....BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FARM A ROCK. If > > I do happen to eat fish, it's going to be bloody well COOKED. None of > > this raw stuff they serve in restaurants. We call that BAIT !!! > > > > Our best export is our PEOPLE. Newfoundlanders are the only people who > > use the name "JESUS" as an Adjective. As in, "LOOK BYE, HAND ME THAT > > "JESUS HAMMER WILL YA'?" > > > > Our weather embraces DIVERSITY. It is the only place where you can both > > swim, and ice-fish all within the same day, in the same body of water. > > > > I have running water. I don't go to the bathroom outdoors except when the > > Mainlanders come from away and want to go out in the woods as if > > its pleasurable. Drinking fine wine and finer RUM is pleasurable. Sex is > > pleasurable. Getting eaten alive by "Vampire" mosquitoes that have NTSB > > numbers on their sides is not. > > > > Newfoundland is a PROVINCE. It is not a Town, Village, City, Parish or > > Hamlet. I don't know everybody who was born, reared, schooled, > > stayed,left, or died there. Some I'm sure were nice and I'm sorry for > > not having met them. Some I'm sure were SOB's AND FOR NOT > > HAVING CROSSED PATHS, WE'RE ALL BETTER OFF > > > > Its "St. John's", not Saint John. That's in New Brunswick and they rant > > differently there. Its their accent. > > > > Its pronounced "New-fin- LAND", NOT "New- FOUND -land". Do you > > pronounce it "ONTA-rio, or KWEE-BECK? > > > > I don't drink much coffee. I drink TEA for Breakfast, TEA for Dinner > > and TEA for Supper. Oh, by the way, Lunch we don't "Do." We EAT DINNER > > in the middle of the day and supper...well, at SUPPERTIME. > > > > We don't have skunks or snakes....at least not in the woods. Plenty of > > them in government though, and most come from away. > > > > An Expert is always some outsider that came through the Narrows. That's > > the gap in the north and south side of St. John's Harbour that leads to > > and from the North Atlantic...the most inhospitable place on the "Jesus" > > planet outside of Ottawa. > > > > We drink Blue Star Ale, Dominion Ale, India Pale Ale, Black Horse Beer, > > and RUM. Any kind, as long as its DARK. See, we traded OUR salted FISH > > to Jamaica for THEIR RUM...who says Newfoundlanders aren't very smart? > > > > We were Britain's Oldest Colony and are Canada's Newest Province. Our > > GDP hasn't changed a bit. > > > > We don't have "Cottages on the Lake". We have "CABINS on the POND". A > > pond is a body of water...a lake is a "hole in yer boot." > > > > We have a wonderful sense of humour...until we feel we're being made > > fun of. Then we have a wonderful sense of revenge. > > > > A Newfoundlander as a friend, is a friend for life. Have one as an > > enemy...and you'll start cursing your own mother for having given you > > birth.. > > > > We have more sex than anyone....at least thats what we tell Mainlanders > > who survey such stuff. We have to...everyone gets told there's only two > > things to do in Newfoundland, FISH or MAKE LOVE, and as I said, I don't Fish. > > > > Soap comes in "CAKES", not Bars. Chocolate comes in BARS & so does the > > occasional Blonde. > > > > Speaking of Bars, we call them PUBS and we've got lots. More than > > anywhere else in Canada. All of them serve RUM. They have to. Its law. > > Besides, they have to Screech in the Mainlanders, who in order to gain > > honorary citizenship in Newfoundland, down a jigger (thats a shot glass) > > of Famous Newfoundland Screech (thats a dark RUM), then kiss a codfish > > on the lips (thats in the front of its face). Many line up to do > > this...all Mainlanders of course. Thats 'cause no self respecting > > Newfoundlander would dare kiss a codfish....in some outports, he'd have > > to marry it! > > > > Townies are from St. John's. Everyone else is a Bayman. > > ...that's yer NEIGHBOUR! Oh yeah, > > did I tell you I don't > > fish? ....but I know what FISH is...its COD. Anytime a Newfoundlander > > refers to "fish" he means "Cod". If he's referring to salmon, or > > herring, or halibut...HE CALLS THE BLOODY THING "SALMON, OR HERRING, > > OR HALIBUT". > > > > We like music...as long as you can dance to it. Except the Pentecostals > > on the Central Coast. They don't dance or drink....but they have lots of > > youngsters...you see they don't fish either. That wraps it up. > > > > So, now you know. Newfoundland has gotten a bad rap over the centuries. > > > > But there are only two types of people in the world....people who > > aren't from Newfoundland, and those FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE. > > > > AS FOR THE REST OF CANADA, HOPE IT HAS BEEN AS MUCH FUN HAVING US AS IT > > WAS BEING HAD! ==== NFLD-LAB Mailing List ==== For information on viruses please check the following: http://helpdesk.rootsweb.com/virus.html