okeydoke, here we go--better not be drinking whilst you're a-readin', you'll spit all over your puter. A native who lives south of Hollister, MO, tells about how he tried to befriend an outlander who had come into the hills from Chicago, and knew nothing about raising a garden. The Ozarker told him how to plant pole beans and how to set up a wigwam of poles for them to climb on. He explained the importance of pulling weeds and even gave the fellow his own recipe for the finest bean soup. A couple of months later the outlander came to the Ozarker's cabin complaining that the bean soup was tasteless. The native went back with him to find out what could be wrong. When he looked into the bean pot it was full of hickory nuts. They went out to the garden and he found that the man had used shagbark hickory shoots for his bean poles, and in the rich Ozarks soil the poles had flourished and grown a crop of nuts. Thinking the bean vines were weeds, the newcomer had pulled them up and harvested the nuts instead. *********** Referring to an unusually cold winter in the Ozarks, a native said, "It was a common thing that winter to see a farmer a-buildin' a fire under a cow of a mornin' to get her thawed out so's the milk'd flow." Another fellow said he thawed his cows so the milk began to flow but the stuff froze immediately and busted the bucket. So he milked right on the ground and the milk froze as it fell. When the cow wouldn't give down any more he just took an axe and chopped the frozen milk into chunks which he carried like cordwood into the house. That must have been the same winter it got so cold folks couldn't blow out their candles because the flame was frozen stiff. One night the blaze in the fireplace froze right in the chimney and had to be chopped out with an axe. The old woman ground it up in the coffee mill and used it for red pepper. ********** In the Ozarks, as it should be anywhere, nobody but strangers and durn fools attempt to predict the weather. Once a native was asked if he thought it would rain the next day. He replied, "When God was a-runnin' the country, I used to be a pretty good weather prophet but now the govern'mint has took over, hit's mighty hard to tell what's a-goin' to happen." ********** One of the better known Ozarks beasts was the Sidehill Hoofer which always ran in one direction for its legs were shorter on one side than the other. Because of this, it could more easily run along the sides of the Ozarks hills. Unfortunately, the Sidehill Hoofer became extinct from overkill a hundred years ago. Hunters, seeking the critters for meat and fur, learned to get them confused and they turned around and ran in the opposite direction. Their legs then being shorter on the downhill side they lost their balance and tumbled downhill where they were easily captured and killed. ********** Windies, for all their exaggeration, may explain as metaphors, characteristics of subjects, of places or things. How better to set forth the remarkable qualities of the common Ozarks persimmon than this: A deacon whose responsibility it was to bring the grape juice for communion in his backhills church forgot it one Sunday morning. It was too late to return home and get it but a brother deacon rose to the occasion. "Ye just stop frettin'," the 2nd deacon said, "I've got a jug of persimmon beer in my car and we can use that." And they did; and all went well until the end of the services when the congregation had to whistle the doxology. That there is real art in tall tale telling is seen when an uninitiated person attempts to repeat such a tale. An Oklahoma preacher who had heard the persimmon beer story told by his brother used it in his own pulpit one Sunday morning but the congregation sat stony faced. In reporting the incident to his AR relative the puzzled preacher said, "Last Sunday I used that story you told me on that congregation but no one laughed. I don't understand it." "Which story?" "The one about the prune juice." *********** [vks note--this, without a doubt, is about either a direct cousin of mine, or a married-in one. Could even be my grandpa and one of his little brothers, now that I think on it.] A classic coddling (gulling) story from the hills concerns two pranksters, brothers from over on Roark Creek in Taney County. One fall the boys were out in the woods and they came upon a city sportsman who was scouting the timber to locate a deer stand. As the trio said their "howdies" the city man noticed that the bigger boy was carrying a heavy muzzle-loading shotgun while the smaller boy had a claw hammer hanging from a loop at one side of his overalls. His curiosity aroused, the sportsman asked the older boy, "I guess you must be hunting with that shotgun, but what's the little fellow doing carrying a claw hammer?" This was the cue for the smaller lad to begin whimpering and his big brother to answer. "We live mostly on squirrel meat, mister, and they's no cash money to buy shot, so we loaded Old Betsy here with rusty nails." He put his arm around his sobbing brother. The younger boy shoved him off. "Ever squirrel we kill nowadays is nailed fast to the tree," he blubbered, "and this big sunny-b*%&# makes me climb up an' pry 'em loose with this here nail puller." *************** A Eureka Springs resident tells of a gulling tour guide who operated out of the old Crescent Hotel. At one stopping place the guide had an accomplice who walked around holding his left arm conspicuously akimbo. Invariable one or more of the tourists noticed the native, sidled up to the guide and asked him if the man's arm was frozen into a big O because of an accident. Feigning surprise and concern, the guide called out to his accomplice, "Tolliver, what's the matter with your arm?" The seemingly startled man looked down at his arm and yelled, "My God, I've lost my watermelon!" ************* A tourist ran out of gas on a backhills road and started walking to town. Around a bend in the road he came upon an old Ozarker leaning against a yard gate. The tourist called out, "How long will it take me to get to a place where I can get some gas?" There was no answer and thinking the old man didn't hear him he repeated his call, "How long will it take me to get to where I can get some gas?" Still no answer, so in disgust the tourist walked on down the road. About 100 miles later the old man called out, "About 10 minutes." The tourist turned back and glowered. "Why didn't you tell me in the first place?" The old man just grinned and said, "I didn't know how fast you were a-goin' to walk." *********** A friend say his wife has an awful memory--never forgets anything. *********** A trout fisherman whipping the waters with his fly rod below Table Rock Dam was approached by a man he presumed to be a curious tourist who asked, "How are you doing?" "Pretty darn good," said the fisherman as he lifted a string of beauties out of the water. "They're all mine. I was out here this morning, too, and did good." The curious man moved closer and examined the string. "I bet you don't know who I am, mister. I'm the conservation agent." The fisherman let the stringer slip from his hand as the catch disappeared in the rolling waters. "You don't know who I am, do you? Anyone around here can tell you that I'm the biggest liar in Taney County." ********* Chigger Bill says: "Hit never bothers me none catchin' myself talkin' to the hoot owls or even when they begin talkin' back to me. But when I git to understanding what they'uns air sayin', hit's time for me to shuck out for town." ********* A smart aleck tourist pulled up along a hitchhiking young Ozark boy. "Guess I've hit the wrong road, sonny, how far is it to Harrison?" "Don't rightly know," said the boy. "Then how do I get to US 65?" "Don't reckon I know." "Boy, you're sure the dumb one." "Could be, but I ain't lost neither." ************* A student brought up to let a computer solve his problems in mathematics at school had an old fashioned teacher that gave him homework to do. That evening, he appealed to his grandfather for help. "Grandpa, will you help me find the common denominator?" he asked. "Haven't they found that thing yet?" asked grandfather. "They were looking for it when I was a boy." *********** Two old Ozarkers met on a street in Forsyth one day. "What do you know?" one asked of the other. "Don't know nothin' and didn't find that out 'til yesterday." Now yuns know whyfor I'm dis way. Vonda