Martha, while I have not commented you are in my thoughts and prayers. The only other suggestion I would make is when the time is right, help her to reconnect with her old friends. As we get older, old friends are hard to find but they are the ones who best understand our memories and our ways. Marilyn On Fri, Feb 7, 2014 at 11:11 AM, grandbanna <grandbanna@hughes.net> wrote: > I knew you all would have good advice. Thank you for helping me. I am > still very tearful and as you said, Doug, the weather is awful and we can't > get outside so we are basically shut in until possibly sometime next week. > I am not one to stay in the house so I'm dealing with my own challenges > through all this and that makes it more difficult to help Mother. Yes, she > does have a certain amount of dementia. She knows the day and time and > can remember to do the things she has done repetitively for months but her > short and long term memory are both bad and have been for some time. She > once liked to do search-a-word puzzles but she can't see well any more. > She enjoys looking through her old pictures (the ones the ex > daughter-in-law hasn't stolen) but she can't tell me who most of them are > any more. She can't be left alone for any length of time so she's living > with me now. She has to have time to acclimate to my house and feel at > home. The last couple of years have bee! > n rough on all of us but on her most of all. Daddy hasn't slept at night > in 35 years and he kept her awake so she has her days and nights mixed up. > He had spine surgery two years ago that basically left him unable to help > himself at all. She waited on him hand and foot. Then he had a couple of > small strokes which affected his speech. His mind was very sharp but he got > to the point that he was demanding and would even curse at her and accuse > her of not wanting to help him. I never could get it across to him that she > needed to sleep. All his fussing etc, is in her mind at night now. She's > reliving it. The doctor did give her something to calm her at night and I > think it is helping a little. She is also taking an anti-depressant. > Daddy was the music director in our church for fifty years. I played the > piano for him during that time. He was also a deacon since the 1960's. He > was a good man. My sweet Mother was always behind the scenes, quietly > taking care of everything ! > and everyone. She neglected herself to provide for others. Our son-i > n-law is our pastor and he's been very good to Mother. She will be able > to go to church with us now for the first time in two years. I know it > will all work out. I just wanted to know if I was moving in the right > direction. > > Martha > > ----- Original Message ----- > From: Doug Crim <ddcrim@gmail.com> > To: memory-lane <memory-lane@rootsweb.com> > Sent: Fri, 07 Feb 2014 08:07:07 -0500 (EST) > Subject: Re: [ML] I Need A Voice of Experience Please > > Martha, as Grace said, your Mom just needs more time. There is nothing you > can do for her now except to be there and give her hugs. It hasn't been > very long since I lost my wife and I miss her dearly. I will miss her for > a very long time. That's just how it is. From now on, it is up to Mom. > I have a slight advantage because my wife had been so very sick for so > long. I am now realizing that I actually began the transition many months > ago. My biggest problem now is my kids. I think they are convinced I'm > going to go nuts out here on the ranch without anyone to talk to. They > don't realize that I enjoy the quiet and solitude. My other biggest > problem right now is the weather. Warm and sunny Texas hasn't been very > warm and sunny. I can hardly wait to get back on my tractor and get back > to work around the ranch. It is not my nature to not be doing something. > I have said before that even if nothing else breaks or goes wrong, I'll > still have enough to keep me busy for a lifetime. > My advice for you is to be patient. Let Mom work thru her grief at her own > pace. She'll be okay. > > Doug > > > On Thu, Feb 6, 2014 at 10:00 PM, grace gathman wrote: > > > If it has only been a week since her husband of many years passed away > she > > really hasn't worked through the first stage of grief--she really does > need > > a little more time and space--even if that space is within herself. Do > you > > have a pastor who she is close to--just holding some ones hand and > talking > > out her feelings would help. She has a lot to process and it does take > > time. If you have a hospice organization in your area, even if they > weren't > > involved with your father they have wonderful grief volunteers. Does she > > like music? Listening to hymns and songs that are meaningful to her might > > help her work through these first weeks of her loss. You are right that > > there isn't much medicine that works for neuropathy, but keeping her legs > > elevated might help some. Both of you need time and love of others these > > first hard weeks. Does she knit or do any handicraft that might give her > a > > goal to work toward? You both will be in my prayers. Grace > > > > > > On Thu, Feb 6, 2014 at 8:22 PM, Neysa wrote: > > > > > Been there, Martha. And I didn't realize what was going on. Mom took > > > care of Dad until he went into a nursing home; then she visited > everyday. > > > When he died, suddenly she had nothing to do. Had given up all her > > > activities to take care of him and his problems. Her sister came to > live > > > with her, which I thought was a good thing, but the sister didn't want > to > > > go anywhere or do anything. Sister didn't drive, so that was left to > > Mom. > > > > > > Actually she was still "alone" with no one to do anything with. For a > > > while she did take them out riding but soon she was tired again...and > > even > > > after we brought them over here and after Mom came to live with us, she > > had > > > lost any desire to do anything but watch TV. In her case she was going > > > into dementia, which no one could do anything about. > > > > > > I do wish (hind-sight) that I had found someone who could have told me > > > what was happening mentally. Perhaps her doctor has seen her for so > > long > > > he knows what is wrong without checking? If you can't get him to take > > > another good look, I suggest looking for someone knowledgeable in > > > age-related problems and see if they will see your mother. They may be > > > able to help you get her going again. Sooner the better cause it is > hard > > > to get moving again if you sit still too long. > > > Neysa > > > ----- Original Message ----- > > > From: grandbanna > > > To: memory-lane@rootsweb.com > > > Sent: Thursday, February 06, 2014 6:43 PM > > > Subject: [ML] I Need A Voice of Experience Please > > > > > > > > > > > > As you know I posted about my Dad passing away Feb. 1. My Mother is > > now > > > with me. She can't stay by herself. Daddy kept her up night and day so > > > she hasn't had much rest in a couple of years now. As long as they were > > in > > > their home, she was up and going but now she has set down and doesn't > get > > > up unless she needs to go to the restroom or to eat. She would sleep > all > > > day if I would let her. I'm still having a hard time emotionally, so I > > > know she must be dealing with even more than I am. I know she needs to > > > rest for a while. The thing is, I just don't know when to start > > > encouraging her to be active again. She has neuropathy in her legs and > > > says she would get up if her legs didn't hurt so bad. Medication > doesn't > > > help. I could ask her doctor but he would just give her another pill. > > She > > > needs something to keep her occupied. I have that, but she is totally > > > removed from her familiar surroundings. Does anyone have suggestions as > > to > > > how I can help her. I'm sorry since! > > > t! > > > his is not an advice website but I felt like some of you would have > > > wise advice. > > > > > > Martha > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------- > > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without > the > > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------- > > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without > the > > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > > > > > ------------------------------- > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > -- "If you don't get outside every day, even for a minute, you have not appreciated what God has done. It makes you grateful for our surroundings, and it starts your day differently." Johnny Cash

Thank you so much Marilyn. I will do that. -Martha ----- Original Message ----- From: marilyn E B <marilyneb@gmail.com> To: Memory Lane <memory-lane@rootsweb.com> Sent: Fri, 07 Feb 2014 12:49:26 -0500 (EST) Subject: Re: [ML] I Need A Voice of Experience Please Martha, while I have not commented you are in my thoughts and prayers. The only other suggestion I would make is when the time is right, help her to reconnect with her old friends. As we get older, old friends are hard to find but they are the ones who best understand our memories and our ways. Marilyn On Fri, Feb 7, 2014 at 11:11 AM, grandbanna wrote: > I knew you all would have good advice. Thank you for helping me. I am > still very tearful and as you said, Doug, the weather is awful and we can't > get outside so we are basically shut in until possibly sometime next week. > I am not one to stay in the house so I'm dealing with my own challenges > through all this and that makes it more difficult to help Mother. Yes, she > does have a certain amount of dementia. She knows the day and time and > can remember to do the things she has done repetitively for months but her > short and long term memory are both bad and have been for some time. She > once liked to do search-a-word puzzles but she can't see well any more. > She enjoys looking through her old pictures (the ones the ex > daughter-in-law hasn't stolen) but she can't tell me who most of them are > any more. She can't be left alone for any length of time so she's living > with me now. She has to have time to acclimate to my house and feel at > home. The last couple of years have bee! > n rough on all of us but on her most of all. Daddy hasn't slept at night > in 35 years and he kept her awake so she has her days and nights mixed up. > He had spine surgery two years ago that basically left him unable to help > himself at all. She waited on him hand and foot. Then he had a couple of > small strokes which affected his speech. His mind was very sharp but he got > to the point that he was demanding and would even curse at her and accuse > her of not wanting to help him. I never could get it across to him that she > needed to sleep. All his fussing etc, is in her mind at night now. She's > reliving it. The doctor did give her something to calm her at night and I > think it is helping a little. She is also taking an anti-depressant. > Daddy was the music director in our church for fifty years. I played the > piano for him during that time. He was also a deacon since the 1960's. He > was a good man. My sweet Mother was always behind the scenes, quietly > taking care of everything ! > and everyone. She neglected herself to provide for others. Our son-i > n-law is our pastor and he's been very good to Mother. She will be able > to go to church with us now for the first time in two years. I know it > will all work out. I just wanted to know if I was moving in the right > direction. > > Martha > > ----- Original Message ----- > From: Doug Crim > To: memory-lane > Sent: Fri, 07 Feb 2014 08:07:07 -0500 (EST) > Subject: Re: [ML] I Need A Voice of Experience Please > > Martha, as Grace said, your Mom just needs more time. There is nothing you > can do for her now except to be there and give her hugs. It hasn't been > very long since I lost my wife and I miss her dearly. I will miss her for > a very long time. That's just how it is. From now on, it is up to Mom. > I have a slight advantage because my wife had been so very sick for so > long. I am now realizing that I actually began the transition many months > ago. My biggest problem now is my kids. I think they are convinced I'm > going to go nuts out here on the ranch without anyone to talk to. They > don't realize that I enjoy the quiet and solitude. My other biggest > problem right now is the weather. Warm and sunny Texas hasn't been very > warm and sunny. I can hardly wait to get back on my tractor and get back > to work around the ranch. It is not my nature to not be doing something. > I have said before that even if nothing else breaks or goes wrong, I'll > still have enough to keep me busy for a lifetime. > My advice for you is to be patient. Let Mom work thru her grief at her own > pace. She'll be okay. > > Doug > > > On Thu, Feb 6, 2014 at 10:00 PM, grace gathman wrote: > > > If it has only been a week since her husband of many years passed away > she > > really hasn't worked through the first stage of grief--she really does > need > > a little more time and space--even if that space is within herself. Do > you > > have a pastor who she is close to--just holding some ones hand and > talking > > out her feelings would help. She has a lot to process and it does take > > time. If you have a hospice organization in your area, even if they > weren't > > involved with your father they have wonderful grief volunteers. Does she > > like music? Listening to hymns and songs that are meaningful to her might > > help her work through these first weeks of her loss. You are right that > > there isn't much medicine that works for neuropathy, but keeping her legs > > elevated might help some. Both of you need time and love of others these > > first hard weeks. Does she knit or do any handicraft that might give her > a > > goal to work toward? You both will be in my prayers. Grace > > > > > > On Thu, Feb 6, 2014 at 8:22 PM, Neysa wrote: > > > > > Been there, Martha. And I didn't realize what was going on. Mom took > > > care of Dad until he went into a nursing home; then she visited > everyday. > > > When he died, suddenly she had nothing to do. Had given up all her > > > activities to take care of him and his problems. Her sister came to > live > > > with her, which I thought was a good thing, but the sister didn't want > to > > > go anywhere or do anything. Sister didn't drive, so that was left to > > Mom. > > > > > > Actually she was still "alone" with no one to do anything with. For a > > > while she did take them out riding but soon she was tired again...and > > even > > > after we brought them over here and after Mom came to live with us, she > > had > > > lost any desire to do anything but watch TV. In her case she was going > > > into dementia, which no one could do anything about. > > > > > > I do wish (hind-sight) that I had found someone who could have told me > > > what was happening mentally. Perhaps her doctor has seen her for so > > long > > > he knows what is wrong without checking? If you can't get him to take > > > another good look, I suggest looking for someone knowledgeable in > > > age-related problems and see if they will see your mother. They may be > > > able to help you get her going again. Sooner the better cause it is > hard > > > to get moving again if you sit still too long. > > > Neysa > > > ----- Original Message ----- > > > From: grandbanna > > > To: memory-lane@rootsweb.com > > > Sent: Thursday, February 06, 2014 6:43 PM > > > Subject: [ML] I Need A Voice of Experience Please > > > > > > > > > > > > As you know I posted about my Dad passing away Feb. 1. My Mother is > > now > > > with me. She can't stay by herself. Daddy kept her up night and day so > > > she hasn't had much rest in a couple of years now. As long as they were > > in > > > their home, she was up and going but now she has set down and doesn't > get > > > up unless she needs to go to the restroom or to eat. She would sleep > all > > > day if I would let her. I'm still having a hard time emotionally, so I > > > know she must be dealing with even more than I am. I know she needs to > > > rest for a while. The thing is, I just don't know when to start > > > encouraging her to be active again. She has neuropathy in her legs and > > > says she would get up if her legs didn't hurt so bad. Medication > doesn't > > > help. I could ask her doctor but he would just give her another pill. > > She > > > needs something to keep her occupied. I have that, but she is totally > > > removed from her familiar surroundings. Does anyone have suggestions as > > to > > > how I can help her. I'm sorry since! > > > t! > > > his is not an advice website but I felt like some of you would have > > > wise advice. > > > > > > Martha > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------- > > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without > the > > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------- > > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without > the > > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > > > > > ------------------------------- > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > -- "If you don't get outside every day, even for a minute, you have not appreciated what God has done. It makes you grateful for our surroundings, and it starts your day differently." Johnny Cash http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message