I am sorry it's been so long since I posted a letter, but life as I knew it is long gone. On May 24, my husband went into the hospital with fluid gain, a lot of fluid gain. He was weak, he was having trouble breathing, he was very ill. It seems he had collected fluid in the sack that surrounds the heart, and the heart couldn't beat strong enough, so his heart went into heart failure. The doctors spent three days deciding what they were going to do, changed their minds twice, finely they set the surgery date for May 27, they said it was a procured, but it seemed more like surgery to me. He went in at 8:30 AM, and said it would be about one and half hours, but when two hours went by and I had heard nothing, I started getting scared. They said the surgeon would come down and talk to me after they were through, but no one came down, I finely went up to the counter and asked if she could fine something out for me. At about about 11:30 AM a lady came down and said the doctor had to do another surgery, so she was taking me up to his room, he was now in the CCU. When I first saw him he still had the respirator still in his throat, and they weren't going to take it out any time soon, his lungs weren't working. They didn't answer any of my questions, just told me they were leaving the respirator in over night, there must have been five nurses in his room, all so busy. I was really afraid, they had told us what to expect after he came out of surgery, and nothing was ever mentioned about a respirator being left in his throat, the worst was he was they were keeping him heavily sedated. He looked so pale, and weak, I have never been so scared for him in my life. I sat next to his bed and held his hand for hours, and hours, till it got dark outside, my oldest son was there and told me he would stay and I should go home, feed the dog and get some rest, since I never slept the night before. I left, but I couldn't sleep, mostly I prayed, it was the worst night that I can ever remember, when it starting to get light out side, our son called and said he had opened his eyes, and they had a call in to the doctor. I got dressed fast and got to the hospital as fast as my car could get me there. When I went into his room, he did have his eyes open, and he tried using his hands to sign to me. I was so relieved, and than the doctor came in and with the nurses removed the tube in his throat, he gagged and stated coughing, coughing. and coughing some more, but I was sure glad he had those beautiful blue eyes open, and a big smile on his face. His voice was horse, from the tube, he was in some pain, but they were taking care of that with medication. it was mostly up from there, except they gave him some medication to help him relax, and it worked the opposite, he got all hyped up and was taking to his self, and seeing things and people that weren't there, I went and got the nurse and told her he was seeing things and talking to people who weren't there, when the medication wore off he was fine. So far so good, he's been home over a week now, and he is getting stronger, but he still won't go dancing with me know matter how much I beg him. Thank goodness it's been mostly cool here, with nice days and cool nights. My husband is only allowed 1500 mg of sodium a day, that a challenge, have to make everything from scratch, made refried beans yesterday, usually got them from a can, but now more. Did you know that a 8 oz glass of milk has 150 mg of sodium in it, well I didn't know that? There's way to much salt in everything, he can't gain any fluids, so that's why the 1500 mg of salt a day. I don't know it's because I was so scared, but I go to sleep tired and I wake up tired. Seems like there always something that needs doing, and there's only me to do it. I have read your postings, but have been unable to put two words together that made any sense at all. I am sorry it's so hot in Texas Doug, I guess it would be alright to pray for a LITTLE hurricane, and that the rain would come your way. We also have about three feet of crawl space under our house, wood floors and when we moved a gas line we tore up the floor to move it, we were getting a new tile floor anyway, it was easier that way. Hope your plumbing problems are soon solved, and you can get back to playing gin with sherry. Sully, in Sunny California

Dearest Sully, So sorry your husband has been through so much and here's to his getting better each and every day. We also know that as caretakers one has to take care of oneself so be advised, don't forget to take care of Sully too. I'll be thinking of you with love and prayers. Carol K in Michigan On Wed, Jun 15, 2011 at 11:29 PM, Shirley Sullivan <sullysoil66@msn.com>wrote: > > > > > I am sorry it's been so long since I posted a letter, but life as I knew it > is long gone. On May 24, my husband went into the hospital with fluid gain, > a lot of fluid gain. He was weak, he was having trouble breathing, he was > very ill. It seems he had collected fluid in the sack that surrounds the > heart, and the heart couldn't beat strong enough, so his heart went into > heart failure. The doctors spent three days deciding what they were going to > do, changed their minds twice, finely they set the surgery date for May 27, > they said it was a procured, but it seemed more like surgery to me. He went > in at 8:30 AM, and said it would be about one and half hours, but when two > hours went by and I had heard nothing, I started getting scared. They said > the surgeon would come down and talk to me after they were through, but no > one came down, I finely went up to the counter and asked if she could fine > something out for me. At about about 11:30 AM a lady came down and said the > doctor had ! > to do another surgery, so she was taking me up to his room, he was now in > the CCU. When I first saw him he still had the respirator still in his > throat, and they weren't going to take it out any time soon, his lungs > weren't working. They didn't answer any of my questions, just told me they > were leaving the respirator in over night, there must have been five nurses > in his room, all so busy. I was really afraid, they had told us what to > expect after he came out of surgery, and nothing was ever mentioned about a > respirator being left in his throat, the worst was he was they were keeping > him heavily sedated. He looked so pale, and weak, I have never been so > scared for him in my life. I sat next to his bed and held his hand for > hours, and hours, till it got dark outside, my oldest son was there and told > me he would stay and I should go home, feed the dog and get some rest, since > I never slept the night before. I left, but I couldn't sleep, mostly I > prayed, it was the worst night! > that I can ever remember, when it starting to get light out side, our > son called and said he had opened his eyes, and they had a call in to the > doctor. I got dressed fast and got to the hospital as fast as my car could > get me there. When I went into his room, he did have his eyes open, and he > tried using his hands to sign to me. I was so relieved, and than the doctor > came in and with the nurses removed the tube in his throat, he gagged and > stated coughing, coughing. and coughing some more, but I was sure glad he > had those beautiful blue eyes open, and a big smile on his face. His voice > was horse, from the tube, he was in some pain, but they were taking care of > that with medication. it was mostly up from there, except they gave him some > medication to help him relax, and it worked the opposite, he got all hyped > up and was taking to his self, and seeing things and people that weren't > there, I went and got the nurse and told her he was seeing things and > talking to people who weren't there, when the medication wore off he was > fine. So far so good,! > he's been home over a week now, and he is getting stronger, but he still > won't go dancing with me know matter how much I beg him. Thank goodness it's > been mostly cool here, with nice days and cool nights. My husband is only > allowed 1500 mg of sodium a day, that a challenge, have to make everything > from scratch, made refried beans yesterday, usually got them from a can, but > now more. Did you know that a 8 oz glass of milk has 150 mg of sodium in it, > well I didn't know that? There's way to much salt in everything, he can't > gain any fluids, so that's why the 1500 mg of salt a day. > > I don't know it's because I was so scared, but I go to sleep tired and I > wake up tired. Seems like there always something that needs doing, and > there's only me to do it. > > > I have read your postings, but have been unable to put two words together > that made any sense at all. > > I am sorry it's so hot in Texas Doug, I guess it would be alright to pray > for a LITTLE hurricane, and that the rain would come your way. We also have > about three feet of crawl space under our house, wood floors and when we > moved a gas line we tore up the floor to move it, we were getting a new tile > floor anyway, it was easier that way. Hope your plumbing problems are soon > solved, and you can get back to playing gin with sherry. > > > Sully, in Sunny California > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message >

Sully, so sorry you have to have had all this going on. When Ken had the first heart problems, I didn't know any thing about this stuff. I didn't even know they could do by pass surgery at our hospital, as it was he was about the 100th that they did. Had a hot shot surgeon from NY. He was good. But with him, a nurse came out each time they went into a new area of the surgery and told us what was going on. She would tell us when she would be back, that was alot easier. As at that time it was 8 hours. When he was going to be going into ICU they told us just how he was going to be hooked up to every thing tubes every place, and also the throat thing. He had been a smoker made it harder for him. Then the nurse took us in two at a time and of course he was under and didn't know. But that was a very scarey time. They told us to go home then, and if any change they would call and come back in the morning which we did. The loved one laying there and not responding is so hard. Don't want to do that one again. We have had other episodes of stents and all, but nothing like that first time. I have learned to ask questions and questions. If you don't understand you ask again in your language. They will tell you or at least ours does. We have had the same heart Dr. now since then. I know now it is more keeping Ken from having any more surgery and on an even keel. Takes pills to not have as many chest pains, but now they are starting to get more frequent. Last Sat. family was here doing some tree work Ken had some chest pain, he thought he should stay out there and try to help even though he wasn't needed. our oldest daughter just Carol, just took his arm and said come on dad, lets go inside. And he went. He will fight me but didn't fight her. Gave him another nitro and he went to sleep and even slept through all them being in here and having lunch, Wok up when they were going to leave. Family help no money involved. We just do that, some one needs help you help. Food is the pay. Sure hope your husband continues to improve, but takes time. Hard to get the energy back at this little older age. We are a little older I think. Louise in northern Ca. ----- Original Message ----- From: "Shirley Sullivan" <sullysoil66@msn.com> To: "memory-lane" <memory-lane@rootsweb.com> Sent: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 8:29 PM Subject: [ML] My life as I see it > > > > > I am sorry it's been so long since I posted a letter, but life as I knew > it is long gone. On May 24, my husband went into the hospital with fluid > gain, a lot of fluid gain. He was weak, he was having trouble breathing, > he was very ill. It seems he had collected fluid in the sack that > surrounds the heart, and the heart couldn't beat strong enough, so his > heart went into heart failure. The doctors spent three days deciding what > they were going to do, changed their minds twice, finely they set the > surgery date for May 27, they said it was a procured, but it seemed more > like surgery to me. He went in at 8:30 AM, and said it would be about one > and half hours, but when two hours went by and I had heard nothing, I > started getting scared. They said the surgeon would come down and talk to > me after they were through, but no one came down, I finely went up to the > counter and asked if she could fine something out for me. At about about > 11:30 AM a lady came down and said the doctor had ! > > to do another surgery, so she was taking me up to his room, he was now in > the CCU. When I first saw him he still had the respirator still in his > throat, and they weren't going to take it out any time soon, his lungs > weren't working. They didn't answer any of my questions, just told me they > were leaving the respirator in over night, there must have been five > nurses in his room, all so busy. I was really afraid, they had told us > what to expect after he came out of surgery, and nothing was ever > mentioned about a respirator being left in his throat, the worst was he > was they were keeping him heavily sedated. He looked so pale, and weak, I > have never been so scared for him in my life. I sat next to his bed and > held his hand for hours, and hours, till it got dark outside, my oldest > son was there and told me he would stay and I should go home, feed the dog > and get some rest, since I never slept the night before. I left, but I > couldn't sleep, mostly I prayed, it was the worst night! > > that I can ever remember, when it starting to get light out side, our > son called and said he had opened his eyes, and they had a call in to the > doctor. I got dressed fast and got to the hospital as fast as my car could > get me there. When I went into his room, he did have his eyes open, and he > tried using his hands to sign to me. I was so relieved, and than the > doctor came in and with the nurses removed the tube in his throat, he > gagged and stated coughing, coughing. and coughing some more, but I was > sure glad he had those beautiful blue eyes open, and a big smile on his > face. His voice was horse, from the tube, he was in some pain, but they > were taking care of that with medication. it was mostly up from there, > except they gave him some medication to help him relax, and it worked the > opposite, he got all hyped up and was taking to his self, and seeing > things and people that weren't there, I went and got the nurse and told > her he was seeing things and talking to people who weren't there, when the > medication wore off he was fine. So far so good,! > > he's been home over a week now, and he is getting stronger, but he still > won't go dancing with me know matter how much I beg him. Thank goodness > it's been mostly cool here, with nice days and cool nights. My husband is > only allowed 1500 mg of sodium a day, that a challenge, have to make > everything from scratch, made refried beans yesterday, usually got them > from a can, but now more. Did you know that a 8 oz glass of milk has 150 > mg of sodium in it, well I didn't know that? There's way to much salt in > everything, he can't gain any fluids, so that's why the 1500 mg of salt a > day. > > I don't know it's because I was so scared, but I go to sleep tired and I > wake up tired. Seems like there always something that needs doing, and > there's only me to do it. > > > I have read your postings, but have been unable to put two words together > that made any sense at all. > > I am sorry it's so hot in Texas Doug, I guess it would be alright to pray > for a LITTLE hurricane, and that the rain would come your way. We also > have about three feet of crawl space under our house, wood floors and when > we moved a gas line we tore up the floor to move it, we were getting a new > tile floor anyway, it was easier that way. Hope your plumbing problems are > soon solved, and you can get back to playing gin with sherry. > > > Sully, in Sunny California > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message

I hear you, Shirley. Although my husband's problems are different, he is essentially homebound and does so little for himself these days ... and there is only me to do it, as you put it. It's very, very hard. I'll be thinking of you. Connie > > I don't know it's because I was so scared, but I go to sleep tired and I > wake up tired. Seems like there always something that needs doing, and > there's only me to do it. >

----- Original Message ----- From: "Connie" <R.leaman@comcast.net> To: memory-lane@rootsweb.com Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2011 11:40:14 AM Subject: Re: [ML] My life as I see it I hear you, Shirley. Although my husband's problems are different, he is essentially homebound and does so little for himself these days ... and there is only me to do it, as you put it. It's very, very hard. I'll be thinking of you. Connie > > I don't know it's because I was so scared, but I go to sleep tired and I > wake up tired. Seems like there always something that needs doing, and > there's only me to do it. > I know what you are going through--since before Christmas I was doing just about everything. Dick has been gone three weeks and as my daughter and I pull all the peices together I realize I was doing about 20 hours a day--and was always "on". At 85 I don't know where I got the energy. I know that having been a rehab nurse for many years made much of his care easier than for most women,but I sure did let things go around the house. He just did not have the energy to do much but just be. I have decided to do one job that I have let go each day--at least that's a start. He saved pop cans, crushed them and turned them in for cash to go to the pre-school at our church that was one of his ministries. Today Peg and I got all the bags in the car and turned them in. We got $69.30--my son that lives next door has decided that he will keep on doing this in memory of his father. Another blessing, this same son has decided that he is going to church with me.   Sunday is Fathers day so that will be a good day to start. We both had wonderful fathers so it will be a celebration--maybe with a few tears. You are in my prayers. Grace You would all have had a laugh at me when I crushed the first can. There is a crusher on the wall in the garage and I have seen it used lots of times put didn't pay much attention, so put the can in with the handle down--I felt so stupid, and glad that neither of my sons were there. It is great for muscle tone!! Grace   http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

My big 80th birthday is coming up, and I knew my kids wanted to do something for my birthday but, my younger son is being transferred to Houston and they are as busy as can be getting ready for that move. I told him that a very nice birthday present for me would be for he and his wife to come down and go to church with me that last Sunday. My daughter said she would go with us so I will have two of my kids with me. I wrote the two grandkids a note to ask them if they could come also. It sounds like I'll have all of the family with me except for the son that lives in Dallas. That will be a special birthday present for me. Then, we'll go out to eat and enjoy each other's company. Enjoy your son's company, Grace. I don't think the kids realize what a blessing some of us appreciate in having them go with us. Emma > Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 17:07:04 +0000 > From: wallace80@comcast.net > To: R.leaman@comcast.net; memory-lane@rootsweb.com > Subject: Re: [ML] My life as I see it > He saved pop cans, crushed them and turned them in for cash to go to the pre-school at our church that was one of his ministries. Today Peg and I got all the bags in the car and turned them in. We got $69.30--my son that lives next door has decided that he will keep on doing this in memory of his father. Another blessing, this same son has decided that he is going to church with me. > > Sunday is Fathers day so that will be a good day to start. We both had wonderful fathers so it will be a celebration--maybe with a few tears. You are in my prayers. Grace >

Emma, that sounds like it will be great for you. You should have a great day. Louise ----- Original Message ----- From: "Emma Roses" <roses4831@msn.com> To: "memory-lane" <memory-lane@rootsweb.com> Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2011 11:32 AM Subject: Re: [ML] My life as I see it > > My big 80th birthday is coming up, and I knew my kids wanted to do > something for my birthday but, my younger son is being transferred to > Houston and they are as busy as can be getting ready for that move. I > told him that a very nice birthday present for me would be for he and his > wife to come down and go to church with me that last Sunday. My daughter > said she would go with us so I will have two of my kids with me. I wrote > the two grandkids a note to ask them if they could come also. It sounds > like I'll have all of the family with me except for the son that lives in > Dallas. That will be a special birthday present for me. Then, we'll go > out to eat and enjoy each other's company. > Enjoy your son's company, Grace. I don't think the kids realize what a > blessing > some of us appreciate in having them go with us. > Emma > > >> Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 17:07:04 +0000 >> From: wallace80@comcast.net >> To: R.leaman@comcast.net; memory-lane@rootsweb.com >> Subject: Re: [ML] My life as I see it >> > > He saved pop cans, crushed them and turned them in for cash to go to the > pre-school at our church that was one of his ministries. Today Peg and I > got all the bags in the car and turned them in. We got $69.30--my son that > lives next door has decided that he will keep on doing this in memory of > his father. Another blessing, this same son has decided that he is going > to church with me. >> >> Sunday is Fathers day so that will be a good day to start. We both had >> wonderful fathers so it will be a celebration--maybe with a few tears. >> You are in my prayers. Grace >> > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message

I hope so. I'm sure looking forward to it. L had bought some new pants and a white lace top with a white tank top that I think will look nice for that occasion. Emma > From: antique1931@saber.net > To: memory-lane@rootsweb.com > Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 20:03:45 -0700 > Subject: Re: [ML] My life as I see it > > Emma, that sounds like it will be great for you. You should have a great > day. > Louise > ----- Original Message ----- > From: "Emma Roses" <roses4831@msn.com> > To: "memory-lane" <memory-lane@rootsweb.com> > Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2011 11:32 AM > Subject: Re: [ML] My life as I see it > > > > > > My big 80th birthday is coming up, and I knew my kids wanted to do > > something for my birthday but, my younger son is being transferred to > > Houston and they are as busy as can be getting ready for that move. I > > told him that a very nice birthday present for me would be for he and his > > wife to come down and go to church with me that last Sunday. My daughter > > said she would go with us so I will have two of my kids with me. I wrote > > the two grandkids a note to ask them if they could come also. It sounds > > like I'll have all of the family with me except for the son that lives in > > Dallas. That will be a special birthday present for me. Then, we'll go > > out to eat and enjoy each other's company. > > Enjoy your son's company, Grace. I don't think the kids realize what a > > blessing > > some of us appreciate in having them go with us. > > Emma > > > > > >> Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 17:07:04 +0000 > >> From: wallace80@comcast.net > >> To: R.leaman@comcast.net; memory-lane@rootsweb.com > >> Subject: Re: [ML] My life as I see it > >> > > > > He saved pop cans, crushed them and turned them in for cash to go to the > > pre-school at our church that was one of his ministries. Today Peg and I > > got all the bags in the car and turned them in. We got $69.30--my son that > > lives next door has decided that he will keep on doing this in memory of > > his father. Another blessing, this same son has decided that he is going > > to church with me. > >> > >> Sunday is Fathers day so that will be a good day to start. We both had > >> wonderful fathers so it will be a celebration--maybe with a few tears. > >> You are in my prayers. Grace > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > > > > > ------------------------------- > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > > quotes in the subject and the body of the message > > > > > > > http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm > > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

Thinking of you and your husband, Sully. Hoping all will come out good in the end. Only once have I seen my husband so sick and weak that he was happy to stay in the hospital. Is not a good feeling.... Neysa ----- Original Message ----- From: Shirley Sullivan To: memory-lane Sent: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 11:29 PM Subject: [ML] My life as I see it I am sorry it's been so long since I posted a letter, but life as I knew it is long gone. On May 24, my husband went into the hospital with fluid gain, a lot of fluid gain. He was weak, he was having trouble breathing, he was very ill. It seems he had collected fluid in the sack that surrounds the heart, and the heart couldn't beat strong enough, so his heart went into heart failure. The doctors spent three days deciding what they were going to do, changed their minds twice, finely they set the surgery date for May 27, they said it was a procured, but it seemed more like surgery to me. He went in at 8:30 AM, and said it would be about one and half hours, but when two hours went by and I had heard nothing, I started getting scared. They said the surgeon would come down and talk to me after they were through, but no one came down, I finely went up to the counter and asked if she could fine something out for me. At about about 11:30 AM a lady came down and said the doctor had ! to do another surgery, so she was taking me up to his room, he was now in the CCU. When I first saw him he still had the respirator still in his throat, and they weren't going to take it out any time soon, his lungs weren't working. They didn't answer any of my questions, just told me they were leaving the respirator in over night, there must have been five nurses in his room, all so busy. I was really afraid, they had told us what to expect after he came out of surgery, and nothing was ever mentioned about a respirator being left in his throat, the worst was he was they were keeping him heavily sedated. He looked so pale, and weak, I have never been so scared for him in my life. I sat next to his bed and held his hand for hours, and hours, till it got dark outside, my oldest son was there and told me he would stay and I should go home, feed the dog and get some rest, since I never slept the night before. I left, but I couldn't sleep, mostly I prayed, it was the worst night! that I can ever remember, when it starting to get light out side, our son called and said he had opened his eyes, and they had a call in to the doctor. I got dressed fast and got to the hospital as fast as my car could get me there. When I went into his room, he did have his eyes open, and he tried using his hands to sign to me. I was so relieved, and than the doctor came in and with the nurses removed the tube in his throat, he gagged and stated coughing, coughing. and coughing some more, but I was sure glad he had those beautiful blue eyes open, and a big smile on his face. His voice was horse, from the tube, he was in some pain, but they were taking care of that with medication. it was mostly up from there, except they gave him some medication to help him relax, and it worked the opposite, he got all hyped up and was taking to his self, and seeing things and people that weren't there, I went and got the nurse and told her he was seeing things and talking to people who weren't there, when the medication wore off he was fine. So far so good,! he's been home over a week now, and he is getting stronger, but he still won't go dancing with me know matter how much I beg him. Thank goodness it's been mostly cool here, with nice days and cool nights. My husband is only allowed 1500 mg of sodium a day, that a challenge, have to make everything from scratch, made refried beans yesterday, usually got them from a can, but now more. Did you know that a 8 oz glass of milk has 150 mg of sodium in it, well I didn't know that? There's way to much salt in everything, he can't gain any fluids, so that's why the 1500 mg of salt a day. I don't know it's because I was so scared, but I go to sleep tired and I wake up tired. Seems like there always something that needs doing, and there's only me to do it. I have read your postings, but have been unable to put two words together that made any sense at all. I am sorry it's so hot in Texas Doug, I guess it would be alright to pray for a LITTLE hurricane, and that the rain would come your way. We also have about three feet of crawl space under our house, wood floors and when we moved a gas line we tore up the floor to move it, we were getting a new tile floor anyway, it was easier that way. Hope your plumbing problems are soon solved, and you can get back to playing gin with sherry. Sully, in Sunny California http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~mbousman1/memory.htm ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to MEMORY-LANE-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message