TIP #376 - COURTSHIP IN THE VICTORIAN AGE Genealogy consists not only of knowing the names and dates of all our ancestors back to Adam and Eve, but a genuine knowledge of how they lived. What did they do for a living? Were they farmers, judges, ministers? How did our parents meet, how did they fall in love? Courtship was the first major step and well established rules applied to what must happen each step of the way when a young man and a young woman - perhaps your grandparents or great-grandparents felt that little flutter of the heart for the first time! It was taken very seriously because much hung in the balance on the choice of a spouse. To the young man it was knowledge that all of the woman's property reverted to him upon marriage. Young ladies of the Victorian Age (and others) were trained for marriage from a very early age. Her role was well known in youth - to be a obedient wife and mother. Her entire younger years were spent on learning the arts - singing, playing a musical instrument, learning how to dance (if not forbidden by her church), reading what well-known literature as the household could afford. If the family was financially able, she learned a foreign language with French being the most acceptable. She learned etiquette, how to set a table, how to carry on a quiet conversation but not talk too much! This in addition to mastering the art of cooking and being an excellent seamstress! When it was felt that the young lady had accomplished all the goals expected for a young lady of the times, she "came out." In modern terms, "I'm available!" This usually occurred when the young lady was about 17-18 years of age. And now, the excitement began! She went shopping for an entirely new wardrobe so she would look her very best when out in public. But, she, unlike the young ladies of today, didn't just fly out the door and start dating! Her mother was there constantly for the first few years (notice, years!), her constant chaperone. If the girl had lost her mother, another respected female family member took over that chore. The empty nest syndrome was not yet ready to begin! A single girl was never allowed of the house alone. She was very dependent upon her mother during this time. She had visiting cards made (or used her mother's or another female relative). With the young man, who was the apple of her eye, there were many stages of courtship to follow. They first started speaking (with the chaperone present!), then they were allowed to walk together. If it looked like cupid was right in this pairing, they were finally allowed to keep company with each other. It was the man's decision if this friendship might take on more serious tones; if he didn't find the girl to his liking, forget the tears lady - it was over! The man had his own set of rules to follow: A simple introduction to a young lady at a social gathering didn't mean he could assume that it was proper for him to call upon her or even to speak to her again. They had to be re-introduced by a mutual friend that knew both families well. If the family was not a socially prominent one, the socialization took place at balls, Sunday services, or church suppers. If the family was "upper class", there was a special season for this step to take place - the social season ran only April through July! Ouch! It appears so far that the young man had a lot less to worry about, but he was busy completing his education, learning a trade and being conversant in the finer literatures of the day also. But back to the poor girl who had "come out" or was called a debutante. She had a routine that was followed religiously. She got up in late morning (must be nice!), ate breakfast at noon. She might attend an afternoon concert or go for a drive in the afternoon. Her dinner was ready at around eight and then she might take in an opera followed by several parties; returning home in the wee hours of the morning. Oh well, poor Mom who was chaperoning all this! She was always on her best behavior and had a strict set of rules she must follow (poor baby!). These included: She could not speak to an individual of higher rank or social status without being properly introduced. If someone below her social status wished an introduction, she must give permission first before they spoke. She was under no obligation to speak back or make acquaintance with them. She never spoke to a gentleman without being properly introduces and she never could be seen walking by herself. She had to have her dear mother (or whomever, chaperone) with her. If love had bloomed to the next stage of courtship, she was allowed to walk with her gentleman friend, but they had to be some distance apart. Forget the handholding! The only time he was allowed to approach her was to offer his hand in assistance around a puddle or a dangerous situation. (Wonder how many dangerous situations couples were inventive enough to meet?). Couples could never ride alone together in a carriage unless he were a relative. She was never allowed to call upon the man at his home. If her family was away for the evening, she could never entertain a gentleman caller at her residence unless an older family member was present. She could never talk to anyone on the street, or turn to look at anyone while walking or at a social function. No questionable sexual words were to pass between their lips and of course, no intimacy ever. However, where this is a will there is a way to communicate and if you will refer back a few tips, you will see how the love birds could communicate. Surely the families figured this out! The fans, canes, rings and flowers took the place of conversation. If all had gone well during that time span of April through July and things were progressing, the relationship might be getting serious. Then they entered into the negotiating stage. It was all steam ahead with some serious steps taken. The young lady had to be discreet of her intentions however as all young ladies are prone to what is lovingly called gossip. If she confided in some of her "intimate" friends and the word got out, great harm could be done! Since the women folk arranged all the social affairs, the young lady in love would expect them to come to her aid in planning this stage of courtship. Most ladies married about the age of 18-23. First cousin marriages were allowed for a great length of time but this changed by the end of the 1800's. If you married above your class, you could be deemed an "upstart". To marry someone of lower social status was "marrying beneath one's self." For the social butterfly, the bride came equiped with a healthy dowry; supposedly as an inducement for the young man to marry her! There were many financial negotiations made by not only the couple but by the entire family. Money was no secret affair and everyone laid their financial cards on the table. The groom-to-be HAD to show that he could support his bride in the manner in which she was accustomed - or better. If the bride-to-be was wealthy, it was expected that her family set up an estate trust for her which was to be controlled by a Court - the husband was blocked from getting his hands on her money. She could use the money or land at anytime. If she was single, 21 or older, she was allowed to inherit and run her own estate; her parents had no control over it either. But, once she married, all of her possessions went to her husband at her decease. She was not allowed for many years to make her own will laying out her bequeaths for personal property. The husband, however, could will away his wife's property - even to other family members or illegitimate children! Marriages at this time were still more of a business contract that love. But, thankfully, most of the couples did eventually fall in love with the passage of time. To be continued next week with the Engagement. (c) Copyright 17 January 2002, Sandra K. Gorin. All rights reserved, sgorin@glasgow-ky.com Col. Sandi Gorin, 205 Clements, Glasgow, KY 42141 (270) 651-9114 Publishing: http://ggpublishing.tripod.com/ SCKY resource links: http://www.public.asu.edu/~moore/Gorin.html < >< God Bless America ><>