TIP #377 - THE ENGAGEMENT, WEDDING AND HONEYMOON Are you exhausted yet? At times we have felt sorry for the bride to be while the groom had so little to do during courtship; yet, in the upper society circles, she comes across as rather spoiled. We're getting down to the final stages of courtship now - the engagement. The young lady has learned all she can, done everything proper, never gone out without her mother (or another chaperone) in tow. The family has been negotiating the financial terms of the marriage, her girl friends have been gossiping, giggling and planning events. Another small detail. As detailed before, the social status of both parties was very important. So was their family tree. Heavens, we must not have a skeleton in the closet anyplace! Even politics played its part; it would not look proper for an up and coming young man who might seek his fame and fortune in the pursuit of a political career to marry one of opposite views! So what else is left to do? Well, parental approval. It is conceivable that his family has not met hers or vice versa so this must be accomplished. As is still done today (thankfully sometimes!), the father was asked for his daughter's hand in marriage, after being sure she would say yes (when did they have time to talk privately to find out?) If the proposed groom was too shy to ask her father, he would write him a perfectly phrased letter. Sometimes, as a tease, the girl would act really surprised when informed by her father than the young man wanted to marry her and swoon! Decisions were not rapidly made. Papa didn't jump to his feet and rush the young man into his arms and say "Welcome son!". He had to think about it and if approving, another time was allowed before announcing the engagement until all the friends and family were informed. This allowed the couple to break the engagement before the entire social circle knew about it, saving face. Poor Mother Chaperone wasn't off the hook yet. Her next step was to plan and host a large engagement party. It was important that everything went absolutely perfectly as this was the introduction of the finance to his bride's family. No one wanted any embarrassing moments! Then likely Mama hosted a formal dinner later in the day or shortly thereafter. The same thing was repeated again when the bride was introduced to his family. I would imagine that the potential mother-in-law was quite observant of the girl's manners, poise, intellect and beauty. Next came the formal announcement to the rest of the family and friends, sometimes by letters as families were beginning to spread out from their home area. Is Mama finally done? Oh, no, she had to be the one to write the wonderful news to the oldest members of each family. And - engagements were normally from 6 months to two years in length - everyone on their best behavior the entire time. And, yes, finally, he bought her a ring. Engagement rings were of various styles; sometimes just a simple band, sometimes with their initials on the band, sometimes in the form of a "love knot." The woman would give the groom to be a ring too, but it was not a requirement. Finally, at last, the rules were eased a bit and they could actually be together alone! They could actually hold hands, walk side by side; he could put his arm around her waist and the chaperone finally retired to an old folk's home! Nothing was said if the couple were seen exchanging a brief kiss even. But come dark and they had to separate or not be side by side at parties. We pray that this couple will find wedded bliss because a broken engagement could ruin a lady's reputation. A man was thought the total cad if he broke the engagement because of the embarrassment it would cause the lady. In addition, the law might be called in for "breach of promise" with the party breaking the engagement being sometimes liable for the costs of the upcoming wedding. The Wedding! Nothing was simple during the Victorian Age it appears. The BIG day was soon to arrive and Mama could take to her proper rocking chair. This was the goal of every Victorian Age young lady and the answer to prayer for Mama, tired though she may be! It had been a difficult decision to pick the day and month for the wedding for customs again came into play. June was the most popular month as it is today and there was logic behind it. If a pregnancy resulted shortly after the wedding, the child would be a spring child, past the cold weather months. April, November and December were also popular but one never married in May - this was considered quite unlucky "Marry in May and rue the day" was the thought. September was an approved month also. Months were also chosen for the flowers that were in bloom during the nuptials - jasmine and camelia were long time favorites. I was able to locate via the web, an old rhyme which helped the lady chose the day of the week also: Marry on Monday for health, Tuesday for wealth, Wednesday the best day of all, Thursday for crosses, Friday for losses, and Saturday for no luck at all. No marriages were allowed on Sunday! The Trousseau: We always picture the lovely bride walking down the aisle in white for purity. But this was not always the case In earlier times, pale green was chosen which was a sign of fertility. If the girl were older, she chose brown and older women wore black. If a bride wore white, it was a sign of poverty! Even the color of the dresses had their own "codes" and bespoke their future life: White--chosen right Blue--love will be true Yellow--ashamed of her fellow Red--wish herself dead Black--wish herself back Grey--travel far away Pink--of you he'll always think Green-ashamed to be seen The white dress came into popularity in the 1840's. The dress could cost from $500 in the 1850's and veils cost $125. By the early 1860's, the prices had risen to $1500 or more depending on the frills of lace. Of course, there were also the bridesmaid's dresses and veils (always white), kid gloves, silk stockings (embroidered) and hankies. By the 1870's more of the middle class citizenry had found wealth and it was considered the ultimate to have a wedding gown made in France. By the 1890's the bustle disappeared and puffy sleeves came into vogue. Jewelry was as important then as now - diamonds and pearls together. Perhaps a diamond tiara graced the lady's long tresses. This is the beginning of the poem we all know about something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue and a lucky sixpence in your shoe. A Groom's Attire Then as today, the poor groom's outfit is often glossed over in the society column. The main costume was a blue frock coat with a flower in the lapel. According to various web site references, by 1865, his coat was tailored, the waistcoat was white and his trousers were lavender doeskin. The groom never wore black! By the middle of the era, frock coats went their way into the attic and the morning coat was preferred. A vest might be black and the trousers gray. The Wedding Party. Not much has changed! The bridesmaids also wore veils or a headpiece of flowers and ribbons. Bustles were bustling during the middle of the Victorian age and every year, as now, the "in" look changed. Little girls of the wedding party were the flower girls or ring bearers; if older, they would qualify for junior bridesmaids or maids of honor. Their dresses were normally white muslin, ribbons as sashes that matched their shoes. The boys held the bride's train and dressed as court pages. Guests wore walking or "visiting" costumes. The mothers were dressed fancier, bonnets were a must for church ceremonies. Here Comes the Bride! Did you know that before the 1880's, it was the law to be married in the morning? This was later stretched to 3 pm. Weddings in the south of the United States could be after 6 pm - it was cooler! The Ceremony Home weddings were as popular as church weddings in the mid 1850's. If the couple attended different churches, the bride's church was the preferred one for the ceremony. Like today there were flowers, music, ushers and guests. There was a wedding carriage all trimmed if the family could afford it, pulled by four white horses. The church bells tolled wishing the couple their best wishes. The ring went on her finger - seldom was there a double-ring ceremony. When they marched down the aisle after the "I Do's", they were not allowed to look either left or right --this was in terrible taste. The remaining part of the service has carried on until this day. Home ceremonies (very popular), the house was decorated but not overly so. Sometimes a good luck symbol was hung over the fireplace which could be a wishbone, a bell or a white dove. The Reception This was normally a breakfast to comply with the law of early in the day weddings. Three wedding cakes were on hand, if affordable - one quite fancy and two for the bride and groom. This was normally a fruitcake covered with orange blossoms. The bride's cake was white; his was chocolate. Favors were often baked inside for the attendants (ouch!) and could be rings, pennies, thimbles or buttons. The reason? The ring for marriage within a year; The penny for wealth, my dear; The thimble for an old maid or bachelor born; The button for sweethearts all forlorn. The Honeymoon The bride and groom sneaked away after the breakfast, an old tradition based on the men snatching their bride away to a secret place where the family (and friends) couldn't find them. They often honeymooned for 30 days - through a cycle of the moon - thus honeymoon. In the early 1900's the bride was allowed to take along a female friend on the honeymoon! The last tradition that has survived (I think!) is the groom carrying his bride over the threshhold into their new home. If he (or if the bride walked) and one tripped, bad luck was in store for their marriage. I would like to thank every web site on Victorian weddings, plus publications I've read over the years and friends who think the Victorian Age was the finest! (c) Copyright 24 January 2002, Sandra K. Gorin, All Rights Reserved. sgorin@glasgow-ky.com Col. Sandi Gorin, 205 Clements, Glasgow, KY 42141 (270) 651-9114 Publishing: http://ggpublishing.tripod.com/ SCKY resource links: http://www.public.asu.edu/~moore/Gorin.html < >< God Bless America ><>