> Thought ya'll might 'preciate this... > > Subject: FW: Bubba Claus > >> > >> > >> Dear Ya'll: > >> > >> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no > longer be able to serve the Southeast United States on Christmas Eve. > > Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract > was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now > > serve only certain areas of northern Wisconsin and west Michigan. I > also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. > >> > >> However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with > > my local replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba > Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and > girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as: > >> > >> -- There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from > Bubba > Claus. > >> He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: > "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." > >> > >> -- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children > leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't > smoke a pipe.. > >> He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke > can handy. > >> > >> -- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs > instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's > > head now rests over Bubba's fireplace. > >> > >> -- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." > when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on > Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Gordon, on Jarrett, on Elliott and > > Petty." > >> > >> -- "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are > likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!" > >> > >> -- As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does > have a decal depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character > Calvin relieving himself ... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His > decal shows Calvin going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy. > >> > >> -- The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th > Street" and > >> "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, > you'll see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" > featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol > cars > crashing into each other. > >> > >> -- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the > other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. > >> > >> -- Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including > Elvis' > "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming > to Town." > >> Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on > AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark > Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I > Want for Christmas Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, > Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me"; > >> and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can > Kiss My Icicle." > >> > >> Sincerely Yours, > >> Santa > > > > > >