Thanks Bonnie, I needed that!! A little laughter makes the day go better. ----- Original Message ----- From: <BonSnow@aol.com> To: <KYGRANT-L@rootsweb.com> Sent: Monday, July 26, 1999 2:48 PM Subject: [KYGRANT-L] Otho Ashcraft/Eleanor Clark > This has nothing to do with Grant County genealogy but I think I have been > attacked by the body snatchers too! I thought this was so funny! > > > >> MYSTERIES OF AGING > >> > >> > >> > >>My thighs were snatched from me during the night of March 22nd. > >> > >>It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with > >>someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. > >>Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if > >>imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to > >mine? > >> > >>I spent that entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at > >>pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. > >> > >>I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh > >>that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned > >>myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. > >> > >>Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My buns > >>were next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match > >>my new derriere ... although badly attached at least 3 inches lower than > >>the original ... to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my > >>rear complimented my legs lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long > >>skirts would stay in fashion. > >> > >>It was 2 years when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning > >>while fixing my hair, I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of > >>my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This > >>was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and > >>fiendishly, a section at a time. > >> > >>Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, > >>unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. No, I was being > >>attacked, repeatedly and without warning. > >> > >>During one spring, my attention was riveted to upper arms ... female > >>arms. I studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine > >>in public nor flatten them too tightly against my body. In private I > >>held them straight out and did endless circles that would have tightened > >>my real arms but did nothing for these silly putty caricatures. In the > >>end, in deepening despair, I gave up my arms and my T-shirts. What > >>could they do to me next? > >> > >>In short order, my right boob could hold a pencil (it seemed > >>particularly cruel to take just one). And my eyes began to remind > >>people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck > >>disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me > >of. > >> > >>That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical > >>profession by myself. Women of America! Wake up and smell the coffee! > >>That ain't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where > >>they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? > >> > >>The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. > >>Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks > >>raising. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? > >> > >>I think I finally may have found my thighs. I hope Cindy Crawford paid > >>a really good price for them. > >> > > > > > > ==== KYGRANT Mailing List ==== > Crazy.... is a relative term in MY family. > >