Okay, so here's qualifying event #2: Wearing your purple boxers over your everyday clothes, (ladies, its generally easier to wear slacks, since the nature of boxers makes them difficult to wear over dresses and skirts) take a stroll down the busiest streets in your community. Pay careful attention to the people you encounter. A. Each time you see a man in a business suit, stop him and ask him if he's a Russian spy. If he says yes, take him to a local police officer and tell him you've just captured a Russian spy. He will be very grateful. B. Each time you see a woman in a business suit, stop her and ask her if she's your sister. If she says yes, take her to your mother and tell her you've just captured a Russian sister. She will be very grateful. C. Each time you see a member of the clergy, a police officer or a city council member, stick your head in a paper bag and shout as loud as possible (remember the bag will muffle the sound, so you'll need to really belt it out), "I am an inanimate ostrich!". This of course, will be immediately recognized by these esteemed members of society as a symbolic social commentary on our culture's unwillingness to adopt the pickle as our national vegetable. Once the police officer has accepted custody of your Russian spy, your mother files adoption papers for your new sister or your committal papers are signed, your membership in the Kilgore board will be automatically renewed. Qualifying event #3: Check your local newspapers for the time and place of the next cattle auction. Dressed in our traditional undercover outfit (devoid of any remnant of purple boxer cloth), the spotted black and white toga, stand immediately behind the auctioneer and go "Moo" every time he speaks. As he or she grows more terse, consider singing "Yippe, Ti, Yi, Yo, Git Along Little Dogie", making shooing signs with your hands while doing so. Though not actually field-tested, we believe this will coerce them into leaving the platform. Step quickly to the microphone and auction off one cow at any price. Once the sale is consummated, your membership in the Kilgore Board will be automatically renewed. Gail, our faithful board chairperson, and Jerry, our illustrious board founder, have both worked diligently to set up exhaustive networks with the clergy, Russian spies, police officers and cow auctioneers, so no paperwork is required. Your new membership password will be sent to you soon after you successfully complete your renewal activity. Warm regards, Randy