Now, new members don't be too fearful. Our orientations are legendary, and nearly everyone's been through one. Below is our most popular selection, and one I'm sure you'll enjoy as you complete it. Step One: You must go to the grocery store and buy the biggest pickle you can find. Now you're going to be making a pickle-whistle, so you'll want to pick just the right one. Ora Jane will tell you that means a pickle with exactly seventeen bumps on the left side (none of us have ever been brave enough to ask her how she knows which is the left side of a pickle), and the Penley side of this clan insists it must be a sweet pickle and not a dill. Nevertheless, Linda Dupuy, last year's virtual pickle-whistling prima donna, advises in her new book, "Pucker Up and Toot" that the pickle must be dill, and it must be slightly overripe. Anyway, once you've got that pickle home, you need to take a corkscrew and drill out the center. Then with an ice pick, poke three tiny holes one inch apart just about 3 inches from where your lips will be when you're tooting. Step Two. Buy yourself a trampoline. Install it in your backyard. If you can't afford to buy one, then you can rent one at www.barbekay.com. She delivers. If you can't afford to rent one, then you shouldn't be spending time on the computer. Get a second job and come back and see us later. Step Three. Find out when your neighbor's next garden party will be. Step Four. About midway through the party, go out on your trampoline with your pickle-whistle and start to bounce, slowly at first, but gradually going higher and higher, tooting your whistle as you hop. If your neighbor has a fence, all the better because you'll be a bigger distraction as you leave their sight momentarily only to airily return. After you know you've got their attention, stop, look directly at them and shout "AND NOW, YOUR NATIONAL ANTHEM". At this point, you should know that your pickle-whistle isn't going to hit those high notes, so you're going to have to pretend it's a kazoo and hum that anthem through that pickle. Don't be timid, really belt that thing out. Put some heart into it. People in your neighbor's yard won't know whether to stand and salute the flag or sit there and stare at you. Either way, you've got their undivided attention. When you finish, shout "PLAY BALL!" and then quietly go back in your house. Step Five: The next morning, bronze the pickle-whistle, present it to your neighbor and ask him what you should do with it. (I think I know what he's going to tell you, but I'll let it be a surprise for you). After that call 1-800-ALLEN'S-OLDER, report the time and date of your completed initiation, and we'll send you a pair of the coveted purple boxer shorts and a tape of the Greatest Hits of the All Girl Port-a-Potty Echo and Percussion Show (see archives.) Trust me, this will be one of the highlights of your time with us as cousins. (SERIOUS NOTE: Whenever I did one of these humorous posts, one of the first cousins I'd hear from is Jack Goins. As most of the list knows, Jack was lost to us recently, and hardly a day goes by that I don't still find myself looking for a post from him. We are so very lucky to have discovered so many Kilgore cousins out there. No matter how hard the day, no matter how busy the schedule, I always sit down and read the posts from the Kilgore board faithfully. I love this list, and the people who are part of it...This series of posts is dedicated to our dear friend Jack...With a tip of our tinfoil-laced fingers, and a flap of our Purple Boxers, we remember him fondly.) Respectfully, Randy