I received this on another list and thought it was cute. "I think Santa Claus is a woman I hat to be the one ot defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off. For starter, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in so kind of Ebenejerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco product, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up christman morning to find a rotating musical chia Pet under the tree still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide - eyed, desperat claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the make santa DID have a reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitable get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be anavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila - like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks on the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: *Men don't answer mail. *Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. *Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. *Men can't pack a bag. *Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl ful of jelly." *Men Aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. *Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. *Finally, being responsible for christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definit guy. Cupid flies around careing weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who like to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. Aslong as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little differnece what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!" dkelly@nebi.com