Subject: Geneology Yoga THE ZEN OF GENEALOGY by Beth Maltbie Uyehara [email protected] I've been doing yoga now for about 10 years, and genealogy for six, and suddenly, both are trendy. It's the first time in my life I've ever been ahead of the curve. (You realize that when Madonna finally discovers genealogy, we'll be so inundated with hype that we'll all be sick of family research within weeks.) A disclaimer: When I say that I have been doing yoga for 10 years, this is not to imply that I can, as yet, actually touch my toes. But my yoga teacher has explained to me that yoga works on many levels, and that -- on a spiritual level -- I can probably touch my spiritual toes. As to the physical level -- or the "gross body," as we yoginis put it -- it may take a couple more lifetimes for me to get my actual fingers past my actual knees. Some bodies are grosser than others. But, that aside, the point is that we've got two humongous trends going on here. Why not combine them into one gigantic dumb fad? (Think pet rocks and mood rings.) Here are some simple yogealogy exercises (gen-kriyas) to get you started. All mantras are to be repeated for the duration of the exercise, except when noted otherwise. Rock Pose Posture: Sit in a silent, darkened room in front of a microfilm reader, peering intently at pale, blurry handwriting. (Your eyes may soon glaze over. Don't worry. This is normal.) Lean forward tensely at an uncomfortable angle. Hold this position for eight hours. Mudra/Action: While maintaining the posture, raise your right hand in front of you at a 45-degree angle from your body, and make slow, circular, cranking motions until you lose all feeling in your right arm. Mantra: (Repeat silently) "Please, please, please, please, please." Plow Pose Posture: Position a tall stack of index books on a library table. Crouch in front of the stack. Mudra/Action: Make a fist of your left hand, with the index finger extended. Slowly run the extended finger down page after page of the first book. Close book, set aside and repeat with next book. Plow through the whole stack, then drag the stack in front of you again and repeat. Continue plowing until library closes. Mantra: (Repeat in an urgent whisper): "Where? Where? Where? Where? Where?" Crow Pose Posture: Form two fists and thrust both arms upward. Throw back your head, grin maniacally, squeeze your eyes shut. This exercise can be performed either seated or standing; for maximum effect, begin in a seated position with the upward arm thrust, then leap suddenly to your feet, knocking over your chair behind you. Mudra/Action: From time to time, drop your head to your chest, bend your right arm and pump your fist vigorously. Variation: Perform clog dance around fallen chair. Mantra: (Shout exultantly) "Yesssss! Yessssss! Yessssss! Hahahahahahaha." Continue until ejected from the premises. Downward Dog Posture: (Must be done in a cemetery.) Place yourself squarely in front of a weathered tombstone, facing the stone. With your feet flat on the ground, lean forward until your hands are also resting on the ground. Your body will form an isosceles triangle, with your rear end at the apex. Raise your head and squint at the tombstone. Mudra/Action: Balancing carefully, raise your right arm and run your fingertips very lightly over the surface of the stone, attempting to decipher it. Hold breath, and continue for one minute. Mantra: (At end of the minute, exclaim once, explosively) Piffle! Move to next tombstone. Repeat until sunset. Tree Pose Posture: (Best done in the back of a crowded research seminar.) Obtain an eight-pound syllabus; two bulky notebooks; and three grocery sacks full of newly purchased, very thick, very heavy, hardcover books. Clutch these items to your chest with both arms. Simultaneously, dangle a heavy purse from your left shoulder and a heavy tote bag from your right shoulder. (Men: Instead of a purse, obtain a second tote bag and fill with rocks.) Stand erect, stretching neck as high as possible to see over people standing in front of you. Mudra/Action: Move head back and forth (imitate the branches of a tree on a windy day), to see around the standees who are shuffling and shifting position in front of you. Continue to end of lecture. Mantra: (Hiss through clenched teeth): "What'dhesay? What'dhesay?" Corpse Pose Posture: (Can be done anywhere, but is most frequently performed on a floor in the privacy of one's home.) To assume posture, collapse flat on your back, legs outstretched, arms at side, hands upturned helplessly. Roll your eyes up to focus on a point in the middle of your forehead. Mudra/Action: Alternately twitch your left eyelid and right shoulder. Repeat for five minutes, then slowly and rhythmically begin banging the back of your head against the floor. Bang for five minutes. Alternate twitching and banging until someone throws a bucket of cold water in your face. Mantra: (In a loud, plaintive wail during the banging phase) "Why didn't I ask Grandma when I had the chance?!? Why? WHY?!?" Mastering these few, simple yogealogy gen-kriyas, will mean that you, too, will soon be on the cutting edge of cool, the envy of hip-hop hype-meisters everywhere. Next: Obtaining a genealogy black belt.