A LONGFORD LEGEND Oh! 'Tis of a bold major a tale I'll relate, Who possessed a fine house and a charming estate, Who, when possible, always his pleasure would take >From morning till night in a boat on his lake. So a steam-launch he bought from a neighbouring peer, And learnt how to start her, to stoke, and to steer; But part of the craft he omitted to learn -- How to ease her, and to stop her, and back her astern. Well, one lovely spring morn from their moorings they cast, The furnace alight and the steam in full blast. As they cruised through the lake, oh! what pleasure was theirs! What congratulations! what swagger! what airs! "Evening's come," says the major; "let's home for the night. I'll pick up the mooring and make her all right; Whilst you, my gay stoker, your wages to earn, Just ease her, and stop her, and back her astern." "Do what?" asked the stoker, "Why, stop her, of course!" "Faith! it's aisier stopping a runaway horse! Just try it yourself!" The field officer swore! But that was no use, they were nearly on shore! He swore at himself, at the boat, and the crew; He cursed at the funnel, the boiler, and screw, But in vain! He was forced from his mooring to turn, Shouting, "Ease her, and stop her, and back her astern!" It was clear that on shore they that night would not dine, So they drank up the brandy, the whisky and wine; They finished the stew and demolished the cake As they steamed at full speed all the night round the lake. Weeks passed; and with terror and famine oppressed, One by one of that ill-fated crew sank to rest; And grim death seized the major before he could learn How to ease her, and stop her, and back her astern. And still round the lake their wild course they pursue, While the ghost of the major still swears at the crew, And the ghosts of the crew still reply in this mode, "Just ease her, and stop her yourself -- and be blowed!" Here's the moral: Imprimis, whene'er you're afloat, Don't use haughty words to your crew on your boat; And ere starting, oh! make this your deepest concern - Learn to ease her, and stop her, and back her astern. -- Anonymous