Hello all, It's been a long time since I have posted to the mailing list. I have been battling some pretty messy "demons" this past year and a half. The "demons" have been physical and mental. Through all of what has happened, this mailing list has helped me get through it. The Kate Strong letters, the notes, I may not have responded, answered, or posted my thoughts but I was thankful for the list. Going through everything, getting as mom called it "out of sorts", I would read the letters, the old newspaper articles and realize what I was going through wasn't that bad. People before me had gone through a lot worse and survived. I will never be my old self and I think I am finally coming to terms with it. I guess I should explain. Pardon the length but here it goes; It all started so innocent...It was a Friday afternoon, I was busy making cookies for the trip to my Aunt Jane's the following day. My cousins and their kids were coming down, I hadn't seen them in almost a year so I was very excited about the "mini family reunion". Guess it is true, you should never do two things at once. While I was baking cookies I was also doing laundry. When the buzzer for the dryer went off I looked at the oven timer, 3 minutes until the cookies were done. I had just enough time to grab Dad's dress shirts out of the laundry so they wouldn't get wrinkled. There really is no such thing as permanent press! You ever miss a step, your foot kind of just slides on the edge of the step? Well that is what happened to me. I thought I was only a step from the bottom so to stop my slide/fall I stepped forward. Turned out I was more like 4 or 5 steps up. When I landed, my foot went one way, my leg went the other and down I went. I have never seen my ankle/foot swell so fast. So here I am down at the bottom of the stairs, in pain, in tears, my daughter in the shower not hearing my yells to come help me. My two dogs heard me and were down at the bottom of the stairs almost instantly. Looking back I can say it was almost comical, here I am trying to crawl my way up the stairs, one dog, Taylor (fox terrier) under my hurt leg almost trying to lift me, the other dog, Kelly (Boston terrier) going up the stairs backward, licking my face/tears all the way up. At the top of the stairs my daughter finally heard my yells. I didn't want to go to the emergency room, I always think of emergency rooms for life and death illnesses. Swollen ankle didn't' qualify so off we drove to the local urgent care center. The orthopedic tech wanted to take full x-rays, foot, leg, ankle but he was over ruled by the doctor. He was convinced I had broken my tib so ordered just ankle and lower leg x-rays. They came back negative. They told me I had a severe sprain, put a home made splint (putting in water than it gets hard), bandage and gave me crutches. Told me take the splint off after 7 days, try to walk after 10. The reunion for me was off the next day, I really wanted to go, but my ankle/foot was killing me. It hurt just to move my leg. Even though my left leg was killing me, I went on with what I had to do on Sunday. After 6 days with the brace on, I couldn't bare the pain anymore, so I removed it. The pain subsided, it wasn't as bad. I could stop taking the mortin. I got quite good on crutches, they didn't' stop me..went shopping with my daughter, even exercised with the crutches, vacuumed, cooked etc. There is really only one thing you can not do by yourself when you are on crutches...grocery shop, you need someone to carry the basket, I found that out the hard way. Needed milk, my daughter had the car, since the grocery store was only 2 blocks away, I figured I will just "crutch" my way there. August is especially hot, so I am not sure what I was thinking when I decided to go to the store. I arrive at the store, then it hits me, how do I get the milk from the back refrigerated section to the cashier. I had put my purse/money in my backpack (impossible to use a purse on crutches) You can push a grocery cart on crutches, but you can't steer it...so after trying to push a cart, I gave up that option. Couldn't put the milk in my backpack, they might think I was shop lifting. I could read the headlines, "Woman in need of a rice krispie! fix arrested for stuffing skim milk in backpack". Finally with the aid of a clerk, I was able to purchase my skim milk. When I got home, I was too hot to eat breakfast, so I just had an ice cold glass of water! After a week, I noticed my calf, ankle and foot would swell when I was walking around on my crutches. I started to put weight on my leg, it didn't hurt unless I shifted my weight forward. I called the doctor at the urgent care center, he told me not to worry, sprains are worse than breaks, it just takes time. The one thing I remember about that August, the heat. It was so hot and moving around on crutches made it that much worse. Even worse, that was the August when all the storms went through Maryland. Every week we would lose power. The shortest period without power, 8 hours, the longest 4 days. I have never sweated so much in my entire life. The heat seemed to my make my leg worse. My leg wouldn't hurt, it would just swell. Everyone I ran into would always say, sprains are so much worse, they take forever to heal. Day 14, still couldn't walk. I could put all my weight on my leg, but as soon as I shifted it forward to walk, immense pain would shoot through my foot and l! eg. I called again, told the same thing, give it time, have patience...to ease the swelling elevate my leg as much as I can. Went to a wedding that Saturday, as my boyfriend and I sat at the reception I could feel my leg swell up. It is a very weird feeling, very uncomfortable, dull annoying pain in the foot but not really painful just enough to bug you. I decided to skip the time it would take to get a referral and made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. When he walked in the room, Dr. Cashman made the comment, wow I can see your foot and calf from a mile a way. The full set of x-rays came back, I had a broken foot, the 5th something bone. Apparently the reason I was in so much pain the first week, the splint they made for me...it was pushing directly into the break. At least I know I am not a whimp!:) I hate it when doctors don't listen, I kept having to repeat that I had fallen almost 3 weeks earlier. I told him, I was tired of my fat foot, fat ankle and fat calf. When my leg was elevated, it was fine, but when I was "crutching" all over the place it would swell up. He said that was no big deal, three weeks in a cast and I would be fine. The tech came in to put a cast on my lower leg, three more weeks on crutches. I was not thrilled with that but what can you do. I told the girl it was too tight, but I was told the cast had to be tight. I was told to elevate my leg for two days to help ease the swelling. I am not one to sit, but I obeyed. That was August 25th. On August 28th, my parents, daughter, boyfriend and I packed up our cars and headed up to Frostburg, Maryland. It was my daughter's first day at college. She was so excited, me I was already missing her. When we arrived at Frostburg as I got out of the car I could feel a weird burning in my chest and lost my breath. All I could think was 3 weeks on the crutches and already out of shape. I watched as everyone unloaded and help set up my daughter's apartment. As I sat there, the burning and tightness went away. After delaying it as long as I could it was finally time to head home. I didn't feel like me, but I thought it was just my emotional me, missing my daughter. That night after taking a bath, when I stood up it felt like someone just kicked the air out of me. I thought I was going to fall over right there. I grabbed a towel and headed to my bed. I put my nightgown on, while laying down. Every time I tried to sit up I thought I would pass out. Luckily my boyfriend was still there watching tv in the living room. I finally had enough breath to cry out, he rushed in. I couldn't' explain what was wrong with me, I just knew something was. He called an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital. I don't' remember much about that night. Just bits and pieces. Every time I would start to pass out, I would hear people calling my name and it would wake me. Now looking back, I think I was actually dying but I was too stubborn to let go. I remember the nurses rushing back in after my cat scan and getting very painful shots in my stomach. I was admitted to the hospital with a massive bilateral pulmonary embolus. After seeing the cat scan, the doctors could not believe I was still alive and breathing, without oxygen either. I was so scared when the doctor told me what was going on. It is very surreal to be told I might live or die, they didn't know. It could go either way. I remember thinking, I just dropped my baby off to college, I am only 40 this isn't right. I don't want to talk about the hospital time, it was very hard and it still upsets me. To the doctor's amazement, I was released after only 5 days in the hospital. They told me with the amount of clots etc., I would be there minimum of 7 to 10 days. I always did like proving people wrong. Life changed dramatically for me. Before all this, I would run 2 miles a day. After, I was out of breath after walking down the driveway. Stairs would drain everything out of me. I was put on comoudin and told I couldn't do my job anymore. I taught gymnastics and coached cheerleading. If I got hit spotting one of the kids, I could be severely injured because of the blood thinner. I had never been that sick before in my life, now I was constantly getting respiratory infections, they would put me out for 2 to 3 weeks. After taking care of my lungs all my life (never smoked etc.) now I had/have asthma. The scariest feeling is not being able to breath. When an attack happens, breathing is no longer natural, I have to think about breathing. The very independent person I had been, was no longer. For the first time in my life, my body felt old. Like I had instantly aged 30 years. My prescription bills, medical bills, lab bills (I would have to get blood tests every week to two weeks) were piling up and I couldn't work. My debt load was piling up, I found out no company really cares. So my savings was gone. Fear, that was present quite often. Mortality never hit me until then. It took me weeks until I could relax and fall asleep not fight sleep. When I first came home from the hospital I was afraid I wouldn't' wake up. I was afraid a blood clot still left in my lung would loosen and head to my brain. Now I can laugh at my fear, but then it was real. Thank God for Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney. I would listen to their music every night until I could fall asleep. Their music seemed to soothe away my fears. Even now I am ashamed to admit, I will wake up sweating after remember/dreaming about that night etc. I had no more control over my life. Every thing I identified with was no longer. The person who I use to be didn't exist. Being told you can't do something you love anymore can really zap you. As infections came and went, I would go through depressions and then feel better. It was a crazy cycle. Through it all I would always check my email and read the "Decatur mail". sometimes I could only get to my mail once a week, but that was enough. After a year I am off the coumadin, so I can go back to teaching gymnastics. I still can't run no matter how much I try. No matter how slow I start, there is no amount of building up, I have tried. No matter what I do, my lungs get tight, I start to cough and then I have an asthma attack. At least I am saving money on running shoes...too bad the asthma medicine is 2 times as expensive, but the bright side at least I can take it off my taxes. Even my vision changed. It hadn't changed for 20 years, now it got worse. Probably more of turning 40 than the blood clots. Funny, even after an asthma attack this weekend I am/was at a point, where I was accepting the fact that I wasn't going to be able to be that same crazy person I was before. Then I got a phone call this morning from the hospital, seems they need me to come down and sign a release form for my medical records. The FDA or someone wants to look at them, they believe that my blood clots may have been caused by the birth control patch I was wearing at the time. I went online and found out several women have died from the same thing I had. They were all young girls, one was only 18. Not sure how I feel about that. I am confused and angry. It would be nice to know why I had the blood clots. They ran a genetic blood test on me at the hospital. I don't carry the factor 5 gene, the one that makes you susceptible to blood clots. So to my doctor I was a freak of nature, no real explanation why. I don't mean to have a pity party. I feel guilty because I know there are people dealing with a lot more. In fact I learned a lot of good...I say I love you to more people and more often. I always make sure I tell my daughter I am proud of her. I forgave a lot of people I had been angry with. I realized a lot of stuff I use to get upset over, wasn't worth it. I call my sister and my nephews more. I pray more. I definitely believe in miracles, I have been told I am one. Have you ever noticed how beautiful the sky is? I had forgotten before. Now I look at clouds like I did when I was a kid, trying to figure out what they look like. Even on a rainy day, look around, it is still beautiful. I wonder how many people don't see the beauty around them. When I am out, I smile and say hi to people I see. In DC that can baffle a few people!! I remember to say thank you to everyone, even for the little things. Which is why I wrote this...I realized I owed everyone on the list a much over do thank you. So much time and energy is put into the Decatur site and mail and it is awesome, means a lot to me and I am sure others. On the days when I was sick and everyone was off at work. You were my friend, keeping my mind sane and my thoughts busy. Reminding me I was lucky to be alive. So one more time thank you! Hopefully you don't think I am a loon but I am just me. Thank you Denise

Thinking of you, Denise. I'm a Nurse and I think I have it hard when I work 12 hour shifts, etc. I'm so thankful you wrote this for all of us. I know it wasn't easy to do. Because of you, I'll try to be more patient, thoughtful of others and caring. I'll try to remember to savor and enjoy the day, the moment. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Jackie ----- Original Message ----- From: <denisek711@aol.com> To: <IADECATU-L@rootsweb.com> Sent: Monday, June 13, 2005 11:24 PM Subject: [IADECATU] off subject, very long sorry, I just needed to talk and say thank you > Hello all, > It's been a long time since I have posted to the mailing list. I have been battling some pretty messy "demons" this past year and a half. The "demons" have been physical and mental. Through all of what has happened, this mailing list has helped me get through it. The Kate Strong letters, the notes, I may not have responded, answered, or posted my thoughts but I was thankful for the list. Going through everything, getting as mom called it "out of sorts", I would read the letters, the old newspaper articles and realize what I was going through wasn't that bad. People before me had gone through a lot worse and survived. I will never be my old self and I think I am finally coming to terms with it. I guess I should explain. Pardon the length but here it goes; > It all started so innocent...It was a Friday afternoon, I was busy making cookies for the trip to my Aunt Jane's the following day. My cousins and their kids were coming down, I hadn't seen them in almost a year so I was very excited about the "mini family reunion". Guess it is true, you should never do two things at once. While I was baking cookies I was also doing laundry. When the buzzer for the dryer went off I looked at the oven timer, 3 minutes until the cookies were done. I had just enough time to grab Dad's dress shirts out of the laundry so they wouldn't get wrinkled. There really is no such thing as permanent press! > You ever miss a step, your foot kind of just slides on the edge of the step? Well that is what happened to me. I thought I was only a step from the bottom so to stop my slide/fall I stepped forward. Turned out I was more like 4 or 5 steps up. When I landed, my foot went one way, my leg went the other and down I went. I have never seen my ankle/foot swell so fast. So here I am down at the bottom of the stairs, in pain, in tears, my daughter in the shower not hearing my yells to come help me. My two dogs heard me and were down at the bottom of the stairs almost instantly. Looking back I can say it was almost comical, here I am trying to crawl my way up the stairs, one dog, Taylor (fox terrier) under my hurt leg almost trying to lift me, the other dog, Kelly (Boston terrier) going up the stairs backward, licking my face/tears all the way up. > At the top of the stairs my daughter finally heard my yells. I didn't want to go to the emergency room, I always think of emergency rooms for life and death illnesses. Swollen ankle didn't' qualify so off we drove to the local urgent care center. > The orthopedic tech wanted to take full x-rays, foot, leg, ankle but he was over ruled by the doctor. He was convinced I had broken my tib so ordered just ankle and lower leg x-rays. They came back negative. They told me I had a severe sprain, put a home made splint (putting in water than it gets hard), bandage and gave me crutches. Told me take the splint off after 7 days, try to walk after 10. > The reunion for me was off the next day, I really wanted to go, but my ankle/foot was killing me. It hurt just to move my leg. Even though my left leg was killing me, I went on with what I had to do on Sunday. > After 6 days with the brace on, I couldn't bare the pain anymore, so I removed it. The pain subsided, it wasn't as bad. I could stop taking the mortin. > I got quite good on crutches, they didn't' stop me..went shopping with my daughter, even exercised with the crutches, vacuumed, cooked etc. There is really only one thing you can not do by yourself when you are on crutches...grocery shop, you need someone to carry the basket, I found that out the hard way. Needed milk, my daughter had the car, since the grocery store was only 2 blocks away, I figured I will just "crutch" my way there. August is especially hot, so I am not sure what I was thinking when I decided to go to the store. I arrive at the store, then it hits me, how do I get the milk from the back refrigerated section to the cashier. I had put my purse/money in my backpack (impossible to use a purse on crutches) You can push a grocery cart on crutches, but you can't steer it...so after trying to push a cart, I gave up that option. Couldn't put the milk in my backpack, they might think I was shop lifting. I could read the headlines, "Woman in need of a rice krispie! > fix arrested for stuffing skim milk in backpack". Finally with the aid of a clerk, I was able to purchase my skim milk. When I got home, I was too hot to eat breakfast, so I just had an ice cold glass of water! > After a week, I noticed my calf, ankle and foot would swell when I was walking around on my crutches. I started to put weight on my leg, it didn't hurt unless I shifted my weight forward. I called the doctor at the urgent care center, he told me not to worry, sprains are worse than breaks, it just takes time. The one thing I remember about that August, the heat. It was so hot and moving around on crutches made it that much worse. Even worse, that was the August when all the storms went through Maryland. Every week we would lose power. The shortest period without power, 8 hours, the longest 4 days. I have never sweated so much in my entire life. The heat seemed to my make my leg worse. My leg wouldn't hurt, it would just swell. Everyone I ran into would always say, sprains are so much worse, they take forever to heal. Day 14, still couldn't walk. I could put all my weight on my leg, but as soon as I shifted it forward to walk, immense pain would shoot through my foot and l! > eg. I called again, told the same thing, give it time, have patience...to ease the swelling elevate my leg as much as I can. Went to a wedding that Saturday, as my boyfriend and I sat at the reception I could feel my leg swell up. It is a very weird feeling, very uncomfortable, dull annoying pain in the foot but not really painful just enough to bug you. I decided to skip the time it would take to get a referral and made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. > When he walked in the room, Dr. Cashman made the comment, wow I can see your foot and calf from a mile a way. The full set of x-rays came back, I had a broken foot, the 5th something bone. Apparently the reason I was in so much pain the first week, the splint they made for me...it was pushing directly into the break. At least I know I am not a whimp!:) I hate it when doctors don't listen, I kept having to repeat that I had fallen almost 3 weeks earlier. I told him, I was tired of my fat foot, fat ankle and fat calf. When my leg was elevated, it was fine, but when I was "crutching" all over the place it would swell up. He said that was no big deal, three weeks in a cast and I would be fine. > The tech came in to put a cast on my lower leg, three more weeks on crutches. I was not thrilled with that but what can you do. I told the girl it was too tight, but I was told the cast had to be tight. I was told to elevate my leg for two days to help ease the swelling. I am not one to sit, but I obeyed. That was August 25th. > On August 28th, my parents, daughter, boyfriend and I packed up our cars and headed up to Frostburg, Maryland. It was my daughter's first day at college. She was so excited, me I was already missing her. When we arrived at Frostburg as I got out of the car I could feel a weird burning in my chest and lost my breath. All I could think was 3 weeks on the crutches and already out of shape. I watched as everyone unloaded and help set up my daughter's apartment. As I sat there, the burning and tightness went away. After delaying it as long as I could it was finally time to head home. I didn't feel like me, but I thought it was just my emotional me, missing my daughter. > That night after taking a bath, when I stood up it felt like someone just kicked the air out of me. I thought I was going to fall over right there. I grabbed a towel and headed to my bed. I put my nightgown on, while laying down. Every time I tried to sit up I thought I would pass out. Luckily my boyfriend was still there watching tv in the living room. I finally had enough breath to cry out, he rushed in. I couldn't' explain what was wrong with me, I just knew something was. He called an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital. > I don't' remember much about that night. Just bits and pieces. Every time I would start to pass out, I would hear people calling my name and it would wake me. Now looking back, I think I was actually dying but I was too stubborn to let go. > I remember the nurses rushing back in after my cat scan and getting very painful shots in my stomach. I was admitted to the hospital with a massive bilateral pulmonary embolus. After seeing the cat scan, the doctors could not believe I was still alive and breathing, without oxygen either. I was so scared when the doctor told me what was going on. It is very surreal to be told I might live or die, they didn't know. It could go either way. I remember thinking, I just dropped my baby off to college, I am only 40 this isn't right. I don't want to talk about the hospital time, it was very hard and it still upsets me. > To the doctor's amazement, I was released after only 5 days in the hospital. They told me with the amount of clots etc., I would be there minimum of 7 to 10 days. I always did like proving people wrong. > Life changed dramatically for me. Before all this, I would run 2 miles a day. After, I was out of breath after walking down the driveway. Stairs would drain everything out of me. I was put on comoudin and told I couldn't do my job anymore. I taught gymnastics and coached cheerleading. If I got hit spotting one of the kids, I could be severely injured because of the blood thinner. I had never been that sick before in my life, now I was constantly getting respiratory infections, they would put me out for 2 to 3 weeks. After taking care of my lungs all my life (never smoked etc.) now I had/have asthma. The scariest feeling is not being able to breath. When an attack happens, breathing is no longer natural, I have to think about breathing. The very independent person I had been, was no longer. For the first time in my life, my body felt old. Like I had instantly aged 30 years. > My prescription bills, medical bills, lab bills (I would have to get blood tests every week to two weeks) were piling up and I couldn't work. My debt load was piling up, I found out no company really cares. So my savings was gone. > Fear, that was present quite often. Mortality never hit me until then. It took me weeks until I could relax and fall asleep not fight sleep. When I first came home from the hospital I was afraid I wouldn't' wake up. I was afraid a blood clot still left in my lung would loosen and head to my brain. Now I can laugh at my fear, but then it was real. Thank God for Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney. I would listen to their music every night until I could fall asleep. Their music seemed to soothe away my fears. Even now I am ashamed to admit, I will wake up sweating after remember/dreaming about that night etc. > I had no more control over my life. Every thing I identified with was no longer. The person who I use to be didn't exist. Being told you can't do something you love anymore can really zap you. As infections came and went, I would go through depressions and then feel better. It was a crazy cycle. Through it all I would always check my email and read the "Decatur mail". sometimes I could only get to my mail once a week, but that was enough. > After a year I am off the coumadin, so I can go back to teaching gymnastics. I still can't run no matter how much I try. No matter how slow I start, there is no amount of building up, I have tried. No matter what I do, my lungs get tight, I start to cough and then I have an asthma attack. At least I am saving money on running shoes...too bad the asthma medicine is 2 times as expensive, but the bright side at least I can take it off my taxes. Even my vision changed. It hadn't changed for 20 years, now it got worse. Probably more of turning 40 than the blood clots. > Funny, even after an asthma attack this weekend I am/was at a point, where I was accepting the fact that I wasn't going to be able to be that same crazy person I was before. Then I got a phone call this morning from the hospital, seems they need me to come down and sign a release form for my medical records. The FDA or someone wants to look at them, they believe that my blood clots may have been caused by the birth control patch I was wearing at the time. I went online and found out several women have died from the same thing I had. They were all young girls, one was only 18. Not sure how I feel about that. I am confused and angry. It would be nice to know why I had the blood clots. They ran a genetic blood test on me at the hospital. I don't carry the factor 5 gene, the one that makes you susceptible to blood clots. So to my doctor I was a freak of nature, no real explanation why. > I don't mean to have a pity party. I feel guilty because I know there are people dealing with a lot more. In fact I learned a lot of good...I say I love you to more people and more often. I always make sure I tell my daughter I am proud of her. I forgave a lot of people I had been angry with. I realized a lot of stuff I use to get upset over, wasn't worth it. I call my sister and my nephews more. I pray more. I definitely believe in miracles, I have been told I am one. > Have you ever noticed how beautiful the sky is? I had forgotten before. Now I look at clouds like I did when I was a kid, trying to figure out what they look like. Even on a rainy day, look around, it is still beautiful. I wonder how many people don't see the beauty around them. When I am out, I smile and say hi to people I see. In DC that can baffle a few people!! > I remember to say thank you to everyone, even for the little things. Which is why I wrote this...I realized I owed everyone on the list a much over do thank you. So much time and energy is put into the Decatur site and mail and it is awesome, means a lot to me and I am sure others. > On the days when I was sick and everyone was off at work. You were my friend, keeping my mind sane and my thoughts busy. Reminding me I was lucky to be alive. So one more time thank you! > Hopefully you don't think I am a loon but I am just me. > Thank you > Denise > > > > > > ==== IADECATU Mailing List ==== > Stacey Dietiker, Momdit@aol.com: Decatur County List Administrator, > Website Coordinator, Decatur County IA Genweb - http://www.rootsweb.com/~iadecatu > > ============================== > Search Family and Local Histories for stories about your family and the > areas they lived. Over 85 million names added in the last 12 months. > Learn more: http://www.ancestry.com/s13966/rd.ashx > >