"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with." -Anonymous woman ******************** I went to a nice, local restaurant/bar with my girlfriend last night. But the regulars were shouting "pedophile!" and other terrible names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. ***************** Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.   Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies? A: A baseball team! ***************** Yesterday morning, a FedEx delivery dude was at my door with a package under his arm. I answered the door, complete unaware at the time, wearing only boxer shorts and white tube socks. Usually, in these types of situations, I'll throw on a robe or a dressier pair of socks, but today it just slipped my mind. He didn't seem to notice or I just didn't notice if he noticed or not. Then the guy asked me to sign for the package, but I misunderstood and thought that he asked me, "What's your sign?" So I scribbled out Sagittarius and thanked him for the delivery, and then off he went. Once I came to my senses I realized that this probably wasn't the weirdest thing that Mr. FedEx had seen - and I definitely need to get some new underwear. ***************** The Patient/Doctor Relationship The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change." ***************** Why Are You Eating The Grass? A very rich lawyer was riding in the back of his big limousine when he spotted two men on the side of the road eating grass. "Why are you eating this grass?" he asked them. They replied, "We lost our jobs and have no money. We have to live off this grass on the side of the road." "Nonsense!" said the lawyer. "Both of you get in." The men were grateful, but asked, "Our families are living in those tents, can we bring them too?" "Of course," said the lawyer. After they were all in the in the limo both men thanked the lawyer. "We can't tell you how much it means to us. We have been eating that grass on the side of the road for a month now. There is hardly any grass left." "Think nothing of it," said the lawyer. "I have twenty acres of grass, and it is at least eighteen inches tall!"