Subject: One, Two or Three  Liners................ I got invited to a party and was    told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what    they had in mind. After a night      of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really      ugly woman.  That's when he realised he had made it home      safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday      this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an      Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.        Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is      look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her      in. I've been charged with murder for killing a      man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a      bit. After years of research, scientists have      discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my      mat.  That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village      for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my      door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture      on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those      Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned      from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in      chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe      it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A      Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your      One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A      BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I      swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two Indian junkies      accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's      in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! An Englishman has started his own business in      Afghanistan !  He is making land Mines that look like prayer      mats!  It’s doing well!  Prophets are going through the      roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera      with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her      mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my      pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you      seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little      Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.  Dad reluctantly      agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and      asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks      horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in      amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you      watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon      .' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns      you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and      down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!