I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said, "No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back." ________________________________ A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost..." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"   The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"  The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."   ________________________________ When politicians get the flu, you never know which way they're going to vote.Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose. ________________________________ When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened! I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.