i souport publik edekasion My IQ test results were negative My child is inmate of the month at Folsom It's lonely at the top, ...but you eat better Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math Out of my mind. Back in five minutes REHAB is for quitters ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== "I'm not losing hair; I'm GAINING head!" "If you jogged backward..., would you gain weight?" "She has a voice which bursts pimples." "We are all in this together, but we all die alone." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== "The ultimate result of protecting man from folly is to fill the world with fools" -- Herbert Spencer "If we all take the backseat, who's gonna drive?" -- Fred Cole "Write a wise saying and your name will live forever." -- Unknown ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== "Is a hippopotamus a HIPpopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?" "Me fail English? That's unpossible!" -- Ralph Wiggum "If some is good, more must be better!" "Forget World Peace; Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== These came from "<a href="http://www.buffaloschips.com/">The Buffalo</a>"... "CAMPING [Practically Useless] TIPS" -When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. -Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. -Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire. -When smoking a fish, never inhale. -A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. -The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. -Steer clear of parks named for landfills. -While the Swiss-Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss-Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. -Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. -Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. -You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. -When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. -You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he called out. There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again." Incredulous, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost." "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know crap about cars." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside. "How do you know they're Christian puppies?" "Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home. That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks, "Does he also know 'regular' commands?" "Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband. Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over. He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head. "Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!" -= I can only please one person a day; today may not be YOUR day; tomorrow doesn't LOOK real good, either. =- Eat More Possum