2 of these are a Joke; the others have not yet been determined: How to save the airlines: _1). Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. _2). Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. _3). Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services'. _4). Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues and Security would be greatly simplified. _5). This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? [thanks, MOO and HAMISH] -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- I don't know that I completely agree with all of this but, it gives us plenty to think about: School prayer Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. . If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. . Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. . For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. . We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. . We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong. . We can get our condoms and birth control, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. . It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- HAMISH passes these along: -. The dot over the letter "I" is called a 'tittle'. -. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. -. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. -. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. -. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. -. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. -. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. -. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. -. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog -. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. -. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). -. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. -. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. -. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. -. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.) -. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. -. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. -. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! -. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! -. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. -. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. -. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. -. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) -. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) -. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. -. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. -. celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celer y has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples. -. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! -. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.. -. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. -. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS. -. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail. -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- [stratTX tells this one] A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem. 'Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,' the farmer said with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot--WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again-WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.' . . Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, 'Shhh, they're getting closer!' -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- CheePio brings us up date: The Chinese have done it again! They shipped a boat load of pencils to the U.S. - and they were full of LEAD! -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- To all my friends who in 2007 and 6 months of 2008 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, . . . . . . . . NONE OF THAT WORKED! For 2009 here's an idea: could you please just send money, Scotch, chocolate, or gasoline vouchers instead. Thank you -=Get Some Exercise! Go for walk with one of those EMPTY plastic bags they gave you at the grocery. Bring it home full of roadside litter." And, Eat More Possum!=-