Ole, the Portrait Painter  Ole, while far from being a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.  His fame grew & soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.  One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.  Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.  The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.  Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house & conferred with Lena , his missus. In a few minutes, he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha.  I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below. Second Runner-Up: - In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. First Runner-Up: - In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them not like today. And the winner: - In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Honorable Mentions: - In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes. - In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. - In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. - In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. - Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. - Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys. - Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight!

  I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?" .

QUOTES You cannot win if you do not begin.   The best way to be successful is for a person to follow the advice they give others.   Whoever gossips to you will be a gossip of you.   Jesus is a friend who knows all about your faults but loves you anyway.   Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.   The right angle to approach a difficult problem is the "try-angle."   Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact he uses his head.

There Was A FamilyThere was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their baby. Who was the biggest?  The baby. He was a little Bigger.  Q: Why did the Sheriff use a ruler when he questioned the witness?  A: He wanted to get the story straight. 

  The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam", he demanded. "No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO !!!" she said even more upset. "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old fellow who always prayed, 'Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side.' After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently. He answered, 'Well sir, you see, it's like this.... I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time; it's withstood a lot of weather; it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall. Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn. I've been around a long time. I've withstood a lot of life's storms. I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing, too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times. Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't. So we need to pray, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.''

All I need to know, >I learned from the Easter Bunny! >Don't put all your eggs in one basket. >Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. >There's no such thing as too much candy. >All work and no play can make you a basket case. >A cute tail attracts a lot of attention. >Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. >Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. >Some body parts should be floppy. >Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans. >Good things come in small, sugar coated packages. >The grass is always greener in someone else's basket. >To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell. >The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. >May the joy of the season fill your heart. >AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND HAVE A  >Happy, Holy,Healthy And Blessed Easter!

A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?" "Right here at your side, my love." "And my son, Moishe...where is he?" "Right here at your side, papa." "And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?" "Right here at your side, papa." "And my son, Abraham...where is he?" "Right here at your side, papa." "What, none of you is minding the store?"

AOL Email Vitamin F! > >I loved this and want to share it with >you! >Why do I have a variety of friends who are all >so different in character? How can I get >along with them all? I think that each one >helps to bring out a "different" part of me. >With one of them I am polite. I joke with >another friend. I sit down and talk about >serious matters with one. With another I laugh >a lot. I may have a coke with one. I >listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen >to another one's advice for me. >My friends are all like pieces of a jigsaw >puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure >box. A treasure of friends! They are my >friends who understand me better than myself, >who support me through good days and bad days. >We all pray together and for each >other. >Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good >for our health. Dr. Oz calls >them Vitamins F (for >Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as >essential to our well being. Research shows >that people in strong social circles have less >risk of depression and terminal strokes. If >you enjoy Vitamins F constantly, you can be up >to 30 years younger than your real age. The >warmth of friendship stops stress, and even in >your most intense moments, it decreases the >chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by >50%! >I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamins >F! >In summary, we should value our friends and >keep in touch with them. We should try to see >the funny side of things and laugh together, >and pray for each other in the tough >moments. >Thank you for being one of my Vitamins! > > > > > >

/////////////////// A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back

On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... Just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... Lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" Humor Keeps Me Sane

Puns for Educated Minds 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head." 12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 14. A backward poet writes inverse. 15. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!" 19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." 21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 22. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago." Q and A Q: What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid? A: "No, she isn't". Q: Why did the baker hurl an insult at the bread dough? A: To get a rise out of it. Q: A butcher is 6 feet tall and wears a size 12 shoe. What does he weigh? A: Meat. Q: What do bananas learn in gymnastics? A: The banana split.

Mike goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked cross it. Mike walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings." "I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist. Mike says, "Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."  You Had To Be A Big ShotA young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." `````````````````````````````````````` Q: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile? A: The juve-niles!

A kind word never broke anyone's mouth! A dog owns nothing, yet is seldom dissatisfied. Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished. It is better to be born lucky than rich. Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat. Marriages are all happy, its having breakfast together that causes all the trouble. A friend's eye is a good mirror. It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking. God is good, but never dance in a small boat. Drink is the curse of the land. It makes you fight with your neighbor. It makes you shoot at your landlord and it makes you miss him. Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck.

  >>>  >>>                                The Philosophy of Ambiguity >>>FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, >>>AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: >>>  >>>DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS >>>AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. >>> >>>ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, >>>THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR. >>> >>>IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, >>>WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? >>> >>>THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO >>>JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE >>>ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. >>> >>>I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED >>>THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE >>>SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD >>>ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. >>> >>>WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? >>> >>>IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, >>>DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? >>> >>>IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, >>>IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? >>> >>>IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? >>> >>>WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"  >>> >>>WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL >>>EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? >>> >>>IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? >>> >>>WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? >>> >>>WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? >>>ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?  >>> >>>IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? >>> >>>CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? >>> >>>IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, >>>DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? >>> >>>WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE >>>ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? >>> >>>HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE >>>YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? >>> >>>WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? >>> >>>ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: >>>THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. >>> >>>DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? >>> >>>DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? >>> >>>HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? >>> >>>IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER >>>DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? >>> >>>IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, >>>WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? >>> >>>IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, >>>WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? >>> >>>WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR >>>THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? >>> >>>WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" >>>INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? >>> >>>WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF, WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? >>> >>>WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?  >>> >>>IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, >>>DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED? >>>  >=

  What's in a name?       Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.       A good clean joke is hard to find these days

- Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh. Hope I Put A Smile On Your Face - Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption. - Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of "5" and leave it alone. - Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" - In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. - Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. - If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive." - If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..." - Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."