GROAN IF YOU MUST.. . 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." (NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?) 18. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. 19. I am not an old lady.  I'm an antique little girl.And finally, there was the  person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did! 20. And finally, there was the  person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at  least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten  did!

  A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?" Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be ! darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then well talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' Your going to love the Dad's reply: his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

Good Truths; right now I'm "aspiring to inspire", and I forget what I took all the time, unfortunately. What's your favorite? Hope you get a laugh or a smile from this!   > > >  > > >I dialed a number and got the following recording: >'I am not available right now, but >Thank you for caring enough to call. >I am making some changes in my life. >Please leave a message after the >Beep. If I do not return your call, >You are one of the changes.' >~~~~~ >Aspire to inspire before you expire. >~~~~~ >( I LOVE THIS ONE! ) >My wife and I had words, >But I didn't get to use mine. >~~~~~ >Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. >~~~~~ >Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. >~~~~~ >The irony of life is that, by the time >You're old enough to know your way >Around, you're not going anywhere. >~~~~~ >God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. >~~~~~ >I was always taught to respect my elders, >But it keeps getting harder to find one. >~~~~~ >Every morning is the dawn of a new error. >~~~~~ >The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: >'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

All the good things in life are either illegal, fattening or immoral..   On the other hand, all the good things in life are free,  – like the view. The bad things are a bit more expensive. AND: The good things in life are what keeps you going.   The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations. What is meant by "the good things"? Well, they build you up in body and/or in your spirit.  They make you smile or make others smile.  If you can get someone else to laugh, you have put a good thing into their life.   What can be better than joyful laughter?

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! __________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. _______________________________________________________ COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

HEALTH MESSAGE  As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really care. It's the tortoise in me! 1.  If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. > >2.  A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. > >3.  A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. > >4.  A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. >And you tell me to exercise and hurry up??  I don't think so. I'm a senior.  Go around me!

Just wanted to give you a little something to think about tonight.   ________________________________ I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.   I changed my I - Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the worst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. An Energizer battery was arrested and charged with battery. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog. I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro - what a rip off. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner? Oh deer. Earthquake in Washington - obviously government's fault. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.   No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 10.0.1424 / Virus Database: 2411/4957 - Release Date: 04/24/12

Some people sit, some people try; Some people laugh, some people cry; Some people will, some people won't; Some people do, some people don't. Some people believe, and develop a plan; Some people doubt, never think that they can; Some people face hurdles and give it their best; Some people back down when faced with a test. Some people complain of their miserable lot; Some people are thankful for all that they've got; And when it's all over, when it comes to an end; Some people lose out, and some people win. We all have a choice, we all have a say; We are spectators in life, or we get in and play; Whichever we choose, how we handle life's game; The choices are ours, no one else is to blame. ~unknown~

-   The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," repl! ied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

"Sometimes" you just don't feel like it. I mean, you wake up and just don't feel the day is yours. That's just "sometimes." "Sometimes" you want to laugh but you just can't see the humor. "Sometimes" you want to try but you can't find a way to do it, so You pick yourself up and drag yourself through it. "Sometimes" on a sunny day, you just don't see the light. "Sometimes" in the darkest hours you can't sleep through the night. That's just "sometimes." "Sometimes" things just don't go right. They seem to pile up Until you crumble under the weight. That's just "sometimes." Here's what I want you to see. Those times and things that happen are only "sometimes" in a life that is "mostly," otherwise good. So, why do you focus on "sometimes" when "mostly" is the better part of your life? You are choosing to see things that just happen "sometimes." Stuff happens to all of us but not all the time. This means you are mostly happy. Most of your days are good, better or best. Most of the time you find things to smile about and you have a good laugh or two. Most of the things you try work and so you can say That you are successful most of the time. Most of the time the sunshine brings joy to your heart And most of the darkest hours of your life find you are resting peacefully through the night. So, stop focusing on what happens sometimes because... "Mostly" is better than "sometimes" Because "sometimes" is just a small part. Remember God doesn't love you most of the time, He's loved you "always" right from the start.

Some people sit, some people try; Some people laugh, some people cry; Some people will, some people won't; Some people do, some people don't. Some people believe, and develop a plan; Some people doubt, never think that they can; Some people face hurdles and give it their best; Some people back down when faced with a test. Some people complain of their miserable lot; Some people are thankful for all that they've got; And when it's all over, when it comes to an end; Some people lose out, and some people win. We all have a choice, we all have a say; We are spectators in life, or we get in and play; Whichever we choose, how we handle life's game; The choices are ours, no one else is to blame. ~unknown~

AOL Email >  > >Our history lesson for the day. >> >> >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why do  men's clothes have buttons on the right while  women's clothes have buttons on the  left? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: When buttons  were invented, they were very expensive and worn  primarily by the rich. Since most people are  right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on  the right through holes on the left. Because  wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers  put the buttons on the maid's right!  And  that's where women's buttons have remained  since. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why do ships  and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for  help? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: This comes from  the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' --  and is pronounced, approximately,  'mayday.' >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why are zero  scores in tennis called  'love'? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: In France ,  where tennis became popular, round zero on the  scoreboard looked like an egg and was called  'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis  was introduced in the US ,  Americans  (mis)pronounced it  'love.' >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q. Why do X's at  the end of a letter signify  kisses? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: In the Middle  Ages, when many people were unable to read or  write, documents were often signed using an X.  Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill  obligations specified in the document. The X and  the kiss eventually became  synonymous. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why is  shifting responsibility to someone else called  'passing the buck'? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A:  In card games, it was once customary to pass an  item, called a buck, from player to player to  indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player  did not wish to assume the responsibility of  dealing,he would 'pass the buck' to the next  player. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why do people  clink their glasses before drinking a  toast? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: It used to be  common for someone to try to kill an enemy by  offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a  guest that a drink was safe, it became customary  for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink  into the glass of the host. Both men would drink  it simultaneously.  When a guest trusted  his host, he would only touch or clink the  host's glass with his  own. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why are people in  the public eye said to be 'in the  limelight'? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A:Invented  in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and  theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which  produced a brilliant light. In the theatre,a  performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of  attention. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why is  someone who is feeling great 'on cloud  nine'? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: Types of  clouds are numbered according to the altitudes  they attain, with nine being the highest cloud  If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that  person is floating well above worldly  cares. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: In golf, where  did the term 'Caddie' come  from? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A. When Mary Queen  of Scots went to France as a young girl,Louis,  King of France, learned that she loved the Scots  game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside  of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make  sure she was properly chaperoned  (and  guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets  from a military school to accompany her. Mary  liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland  (not a very good idea in the long run), she took  the practice with her. In French, the word cadet  is pronounced  'ca-day' and the Scots  changed it into  'caddie. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Why are many  coin banks shaped like  pigs? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: Long ago,  dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a  dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people  saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars  became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English  potter misunderstood the word, he made a  container that resembled a pig. And it caught  on. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>Q: Did you ever  wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have  notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do  not? >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>A: The US Mint  began putting notches on the edges of coins  containing gold and silver to discourage holders  from shaving off small quantities of the  precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half  dollars are notched because they used to contain  silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched  because the metals they contain are not valuable  enough to  shave. >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>  >>>>>>>>>>>So  there!  Now you know!                                                         >>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>> a >>>>>>>>>= >>>>>>>o  virus found in this  message. >> >Checked by AVG - www.avg.com >Version: 2012.0.1913 / Virus Database:         2411/4955 - Release Date:         04/23/12 > >   

The  local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because  she had just gotten married for the fourth time. > >The interviewer asked her questions about  her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and  then about her new husband's occupation. > >"He's a funeral director," she answered. > >"Interesting," the newsman thought. > >He then asked her if she wouldn't mind  telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they  did for a living. > >She paused for a few moments, needing time  to reflect on all those years. > >After a short time, a smile came to her  face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first  married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus  ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and  now - in her 80's - a funeral director > >The interviewer looked at her, quite  astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such  diverse careers. > >(wait for it) > >She smiled and explained, "I married >One for the money, >Two  for the show, >Three  to get ready , >And four to go. " > >Oh, just hush-up, stop  groaning and send  this one on to those who want to share  a laugh. >     >    

Oh, my, evidently (ads seen) it is time to go get a swim suit. If you need "permission", well, I say you may do so. Or go nekked, up to you. A swimsuit, if I understand History, was a garment meant to cover the bod from whatever point to whatever point that the social system said should be covered in whatever year that was, like 1900 or 1920 or 1940 or 1960. So you wouldn't BE nekked or get your street clothes wet. After 1960 or so, things went to pieces. Pun, pun, but true. Went to smaller and smaller pieces. By 2000, underwear and bathing suits looked pretty much the same except for the cloth or whatever it was made of, a patch and some strings. I suspect you could wear your underwear and no one would really notice it wasn't a bathing suit.       

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below. Second Runner-Up: - In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. First Runner-Up: - In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them not like today. And the winner: - In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Honorable Mentions: - In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes. - In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. - In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. - In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. - Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. - Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys. - Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight!

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”  RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.  Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”  GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”   RANCHER: “That would be me.”

Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it. Rest when you're weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work. Success in any endeavor depends on the degree to which it is an expression of your true self. The keys to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen.   Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities. What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it - would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have. when I am not using Internet for few days I get too many emails. What you do today can improve all your tomorrows. When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing - just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle or children playing in the park? You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination. Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

Beset by a difficult problem? Now is your chance to shine. Pick yourself up, get to work and get triumphantly through it.   Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality. Every day you spend drifting away from your goals is a waste not only of that day, but also of the additional day it takes to regain lost ground. Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.   It doesn't matter how much you want. What really matters is how much you want it. The extent and complexity of the problem does not matter was much as does the willingness to solve it. Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it. Rest when you're weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work. Success in any endeavor depends on the degree to which it is an expression of your true self. The keys to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen.   Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities. What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it - would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have. when I am not using Internet for few days I get too many emails. What you do today can improve all your tomorrows. When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing - just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle or children playing in the park? You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination. Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.