On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?" After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

         CATHOLIC SHAMPOO >>>>>  >>>>>>>  >>>>>>>TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?" >>>>>>>  >>>>>>>THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND." >>>>>>>  >>>>>>>"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT. >>>>>>>  >>>>>>>THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED >>>>>>> WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. >>>>>>>  >>>>>>>"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT "CATHOLIC SHAMPOO." >>>>>>>  >>>>>>>WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. >>>>>>HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE." >>>>>>>  >>>>>>>  >>

"No one has yet fully realized the wealth of sympathy, kindness and generosity hidden in the soul of a child. The effort of every true education should be to unlock that treasure." -Emma Goldman "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." -Buddha "Remember that you are needed. There is at least one important work to be done that will not be done unless you do it." -Charles L. Allen Do what makes you happy. Look upon what gives you joy. Speak to those who warm you. Listen to that which lifts your spirit. Surround yourself with sights and sounds and people who give you pleasure. For all the happiness you give to others. Give yourself a perfect day.

I am a little thing with a big meaning. I help unlock doors, open hearts, dispel prejudice. I create friendship and goodwill. I inspire respect and admiration. Everybody loves me. I bore nobody, I violate no law, I cost nothing. I have been praised by many, condemned by none. I am pleasing to those of high and low degree. I am useful in many ways every moment of the day. I am called "COURTESY" ~Author Unknown~

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"  Whatever Happened ToTwo guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life." Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind! Q: Why is taking Viagra like an attraction at Disneyland? A: You have to wait an hour for a two minute ride!

Mum No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning? Mum No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed. Mum No. 1: How does that help? Mum No. 2: The dog’s already there.   Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous? Mother snake: Yes, son. Why? Baby snake: I just bit my tongue!   Chris: Why is a computer so smart? Mum: It listens to its motherboard.   Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants? Dad: No. Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!   Sunday school teacher: Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating? Johnny: No, ma'am, I don't have to. My mom’s a good cook.   Doug: I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all. Dan: How do you know? Doug: She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.   Ryan: Why did you chop the joke book in half? John: Mom said to cut the comedy.   A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

1. I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.  2. 80.5 million are the number of mothers of all ages in the USA.   3. 81% of women between 40 and 44 are mothers.   4. Women expect to have 2 children in their lifetime.   5. Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.   6. Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.   7. A mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter De Vries   8. God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - A Jewish Proverb   9. There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb   10. A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. - Irish Proverb

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!" "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket....What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said, 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!" ==================== A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!" ================= Great One-Liners I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles have strengthened me ... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. Walt Disney   Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony. Mahatma Gandhi   I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will eventually triumph. And there is purpose and worth to each and every life. Ronald Reagan   The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called truth. Dan Rather

It takes a mother's patience to bring a child up right, and her courage and her cheerfulness to make a dark day bright.It takes a mother's thoughtfulness to mend the heart's deep "hurts," And her skill and her endurance to mend little socks and shirts.It takes a mother's kindness to forgive us when we err, To sympathize in trouble and bow her head in prayer. It takes a mother's wisdom to recognize our needs And to give us reassurance by her loving words and deeds. It takes a mother's endless faith, her confidence and trust To guide us through the pitfalls of selfishness and lust.And that is why in all this world there could not be another Who could fulfill God's purpose as completely as a Mother.

Can't say if it's true or not. >>>>>In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia, it might make you chuckle when you read it. >>>>> >>>>>ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. >>>>> >>>>>HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS..* >>>>> >>>>>BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY". >>>>> >>>>>MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. >>>>> >>>>>HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. >>>>> >>>>>OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. >>>>> >>>>>ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING >>>>>QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. >>>>> >>>>>MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW >>>>>ANSWER THE QUESTION. >>>>> >>>>>IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. >>>>> >>>>>HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. >>>>> >>>>>AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. >>>>> >>>>>"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" >>>>> >>>>>TRUE STORY. >>>>  >  >

________________________________ I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O. I changed my I - Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the worst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. An Energizer battery was arrested and charged with battery. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog. I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro - what a rip off. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner? Oh deer. Earthquake in Washington - obviously government's fault. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.   No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 10.0.1424 / Virus Database: 2411/4957 - Release Date: 04/24/12    

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed the birds in winter, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.  When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hold the door open for others and heard 'thank you' and 'you're welcome', and I learned respect for others. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.  When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.  When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'  Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, and friend) influences the life of a child.  How will you touch the life of someone today? Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.  Leave the rest to God.

A is for arthritis, B is for bad back, C is for the chest pains. Corned Beef? Cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight--can't read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention-- and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches) H is high blood pressure I is for itches, and lots of incisions J is for joints, that now fail to flex L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my Memory from time to time) N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new! R is for reflux--one meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights, counting fears on how to pay my medical bills! T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word 'terminal' also rings too near U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not) V is for vertigo, as life spins by W is worry, for pains yet unfound X is for X ray--and what one might find Y is for year (another one, I'm still alive). Z is for zest for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!

I am a senior citizen, My working days are done... I'm quite content with walking now, No longer have to run. Being older has advantages, I never had before... I flaunt my age, just like a badge, For discounts at each store. My kids all think I'm daffy, I see them roll their eyes... They'll never once admit that though, I'm older, I'm still wise. It's pay back time for me at last, For the years they drove me crazy... Now they're the ones who have to work, While I am the one who's lazy. I am a senior citizen, It makes me very proud... I take it to the limits of, The things that are allowed.

It takes a mother's patience to bring a child up right, and her courage and her cheerfulness to make a dark day bright.It takes a mother's thoughtfulness to mend the heart's deep "hurts," And her skill and her endurance to mend little socks and shirts.It takes a mother's kindness to forgive us when we err, To sympathize in trouble and bow her head in prayer. It takes a mother's wisdom to recognize our needs And to give us reassurance by her loving words and deeds. It takes a mother's endless faith, her confidence and trust To guide us through the pitfalls of selfishness and lust.And that is why in all this world there could not be another Who could fulfill God's purpose as completely as a Mother.

By J. T. Blackstone This I believe that words are things And when they are spoken they have wings That carry them to hearts and minds. If evil false or true and kind. Each word we speak contains a thought And by it good or evil wrought It may go to some remote spot To leave a blessing or a blot. And not a word can be called back For as they go they leave their tracks. So choose with care the words you tweak, For from the heart the mouth does speak. Those secret thoughts your very own, Will come to light and be made known. They'll come to light for all to see, For as one thinks, then so is he. If we would all clean up our minds, Our words would then be true and kind. Consider this before too late That love brings love and hate bring hate!

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.   Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.   Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.   Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.   Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.   Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.   Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.   Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.   Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.   Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.   Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.   Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.   Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.   Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.   Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.   Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.   Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

*-- Is That A Record? --*A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."  Q and A Q: Why did the defensive end return to the bank?  A: To get the quarter back.  Q: What did the diver say to the ship?  A: You're a wreck! 

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? - You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 - No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out after who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? - Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? - You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? - Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? - Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) - On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for second date. -- Martin, age 10 6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? - When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 - The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7 - The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.  Howard, age 8 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? - It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child ) 8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? - There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?  Kelvin, age 8 9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? - Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10