HILIARIOUS HAA HAA Peggy peg77kel@aol.com -----Original Message----- From: Edna Wakeham <ednawakeham@yahoo.com> To: GenHumor <GenHumor@rootsweb.com> Sent: Sun, Aug 5, 2012 6:06 pm Subject: [GENHUMOR] Fw: Old Snake at the Doctor and Two Orders (awdewd) My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian... The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week." =========== A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes... can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem... didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" ============ The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders." "What were they? Anything good?" "Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!" ============= Q: What does a jellyfish have on its tummy? A: A jelly button. Q: Why was the ancient Egyptian confused? A: Because his daddy was also his mummy. ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to GENHUMOR-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian... The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week." =========== A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes... can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem... didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" ============ The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders." "What were they? Anything good?" "Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!" ============= Q: What does a jellyfish have on its tummy? A: A jelly button. Q: Why was the ancient Egyptian confused? A: Because his daddy was also his mummy.

Some people sit....some people try, Some people laugh....some people cry. Some people will....some people won't, Some people do....some people don't. Some people believe and develop a plan, Some people doubt....never think that they can. Some people face hurdles and give it their best, Some people back down....when faced with a test. Some people complain of their miserable lot, Some people are thankful for all that they've got. And when it's over....when it comes to an end, Some people lose out and some people win. We all have a choice....We all have a say, We are spectators in life, or we get in and play. Whatever we choose....how we handle life's game, The choices are ours....no one else is to blame.

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" " No," I replied, ... "I'm just a crappy golfer.

Copper Wire Discovered After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year-old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than New York." One week later, a local newspaper in Nelsonville, Ohio. reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Candyland, Ohio, Bubba, the local self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless". Just makes a person proud to to be a Buckeye doesn't it?

Shirley & Marcy A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son, Timmy, walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?' Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.' The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?' 'That's just Shirley Goodnest ,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy ...' 'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us? 'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness) and Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited Until you try to sit in their pews.. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisors. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* It is easier to preach ten sermons Than it is to live one. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, But mosquitoes come close. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* People are funny; They want the Front of the bus, the Middle of the road, And Back of the church. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Opportunity may knock once, But temptation bangs on the front door forever. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has.. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Some minds are like concrete Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Peace starts with a smile. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* I don't know why some people change churches; What difference does it make which one you stay home from? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises' Are just sitting on the premises. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Don't put a question mark where God put a period. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Forbidden fruits create many jams. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God grades on the cross, not the curve. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God loves everyone, But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!' *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* He who angers you, controls you! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty! *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* We don't change the message, The message changes us. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* You can tell how big a person is By what it takes to discourage him. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* If you liked this Share it with a few friends to bless them!

Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creeks don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creeks don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creeks" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water. ***************************************************** ? In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint) ******************************************************* ? As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.. ' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy. ******************************************************** In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.' ********************************************************* Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.' ******************************************************* Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace. ******************************************************** Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades..' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.' ******************************************************** Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.' ********************************************************** At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'. ********************************************************** One more: bet you didn't know this! ? In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

  One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. They begin the evening news with "Good Evening", then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. My desk is a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 26. Where there's a will, there are relatives. 27. I'm taught to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

DILBERT'S RULES OF ORDER 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. 6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? 8. My reality check bounced. 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the hiney. 16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 18. The more hassles you put up with, the more hassles you are going to get. 19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 23. Following the rules will not get the job done. 24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. The I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting but. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and pouted a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South. -- Bullet 774F DaNang AB 675 Lincolnshire Cir. Bedford, Tx. 76021Lat. 32.85008nLong. 97.13869w

5 Ways to Handle Life's Big Stuff Life Lesson No. 1: Skinned Knees Heal Themselves We scrape our knee and the wound heals. "If you step back and think about it, it's remarkable," Carlson writes in Good Housekeeping. "In order to handle the big stuff in life, we need to trust that our emotional wounds--like physical ones--can heal on their own." Life Lesson No. 2: Measure Twice, Cut Once Before reacting to stressful events, stop and THINK. Take a few minutes to assess the situation and figure out the best response. Silence the extraneous thoughts. Focus on what's most important now. Life Lesson No. 3: Don' Honk At the Slow Guy We have so much to do. We get impatient. We yell. We get annoyed. We explode. We get frustrated. We honk. The solution: Learn to be more patient. Life Lesson No. 4: Learn to Love the Rain It's easy to blame it all on stress. Stress isn't what ails you. "Stress isn't something that just happens to us. It's created by our own thinking," Life Lesson No. 5: Celebrate Silence When someone you love is hurting, you want to help. You want to talk it over. But you should listen--not talk. For life's real crises, there is nothing you can say anyway that will right the situation. So just be there. Listen.

Seven Wonders of the World A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids, 2. Taj Mahal, 3. Grand Canyon, 4. Panama Canal, 5. Empire State Building, 6. St. Peter's Basilica, 7. China's Great Wall. While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there! were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are 1. to touch 2. to taste, 3. to see 4. to hear." She hesitated a little, "and then 5. to run 6. to laugh 7. and to love." It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary." May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.

EVERYBODY IS SOMEBODY The clerk in a posh hotel greeted a small man who asked for a room. The fellow was so unimpressive that the clerk told him immediately no rooms were available. About that some time, the hotel manager came out of his office to the desk, recognized the man and called the clerk aside. He whispered to her that the man asking for the room was Pierre Monteaux, who for years was the distinguished conductor of the San Francisco symphony. The clerk came back to desk, apologized and said, "Why of course we can take care of you, Mr.Monteauxl Why didn't you tell me you were somebody?" Whereupon Maestro Monteaux turned to leave, "Madam, everybody is somebody!" Two lessons. One, everybody is somebody because everybody is a child of God. Two, too many folks fall into the shameful patter of ranking people and judging some as nobodies.

Edna, maybe the rest of us can take up the slack and send a little humor to cheer you up. This is an oldie, but it still makes me laugh. A bus stops and two obviously Italian-type men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady." said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Get well soon, you are missed. Becky ----- Original Message ----- From: "Edna Wakeham" <ednawakeham@yahoo.com> To: <genhumor-l@rootsweb.com> Sent: Monday, July 02, 2012 11:40 AM Subject: [GENHUMOR] Missing in action > Will be out of touch for a while. I fell and > > Broke my hip and am in rehab, am doing well. Dont know for how long. Am > anxious to get home. > will be in touch ASAP. Edna > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > GENHUMOR-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message >

You are in my prayers daily-wish you a speedy recovery. doug

Sorry to hear this Edna   :-( Hope you feel better soon....Happy 4th of July my friend  :-) {{{HUGS}}}    ~ Jamie R. ________________________________ From: Edna Wakeham <ednawakeham@yahoo.com> To: genhumor-l@rootsweb.com Sent: Mon, July 2, 2012 8:44:30 AM Subject: [GENHUMOR] Missing in action Will be out of touch for a while. I fell and Broke my hip and am in rehab, am doing well.  Dont know for how long.  Am anxious to get home. will be in touch ASAP.  Edna

Prayers for quick healing being sent your way Edna!!! -----Original Message----- From: Edna Wakeham Sent: Monday, July 02, 2012 11:40 AM To: genhumor-l@rootsweb.com Subject: [GENHUMOR] Missing in action Will be out of touch for a while. I fell and Broke my hip and am in rehab, am doing well. Dont know for how long. Am anxious to get home. will be in touch ASAP. Edna ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to GENHUMOR-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message