So sweet - A Child's View of Thunderstorms    Out of the mouths of babes ! When you read this, you will never think  of thunderstorms the same way again.  This will make you smile! A little girl walked to and from school  daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed,  the winds whipped up along with lightning. The mother of the little girl felt  concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school.   She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full  of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the  route to her child's school.  As she did, she saw her little girl walking  along. At each flash of lightning, the child  would stop, look up, and smile.   More lightning followed quickly and  with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile When the mother drew up beside the child,  she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"  The child answered, "I am trying to look  pretty because God keeps taking my picture." May God bless you today and every day as  you face the storms that come your way! No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com/ Version: 2012.0.2197 / Virus Database: 2437/5186 - Release Date: 08/08/12

> > >   >>>A            man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly            to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for            the long weekend.  This is a good opportunity for me to get that            promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes            for a three-day weekend.  And also, would you get out my rod and            tackle box from the attic?  We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the            office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things.  Oh! And            please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas. >>> >>>  >>>The            wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does            exactly what her husband asked. >>> >>>  >>>Following            the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise,            looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught            many fish? >>>  >>>He             says, Yes!  Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few            pike.   "But", he  said, "why didn't you pack my new            blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do? >>>  >>>You'll            love the answer. >>>  >>>The            wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle            box". >>>  >>>Never            , Never , Never Ever TRY to Outsmart a WOMAN !!   >>>  >>>  >>>  >>>  >>>  >>>  >>> >>>  >>>___________________________________ >>> >>>  >>> >>>No virus found in this incoming            message. >>>Checked by AVG - www.avg.com >>>Version: 8.5.455 / Virus Database:            271.1.1/5173 - Release Date: 08/02/12          18:34:00 >>> >>>____________________________________________________________ >>>Dealing With Incontinence Learn About This Medical Condition. What You May Be Able To Do About  ItTreatOAB.com

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.” With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck!"

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

>From Cowpoke I ain't much for shopping, Or for goin' into town Except at cattle-shipping time, I ain't too easily found. But the day came when I had to go - I left the kids with Ma. But 'fore I left, she asked me, "Would you pick me up a bra?" So without thinkin' I said, "Sure," How tough could that job be? An' I bent down and kissed her An' said, "I'll be back by three." Well, I done the things I needed, But I started to regret Ever offering to buy that thing - I worked me up a sweat I walked into the ladies shop My hat pulled over my eyes, I didn't want to take a chance On bein' recognized. I walked up to the sales clerk - I didn't hem or haw - I told that lady right straight out, "I'm here to buy a bra." From behind I heard some snickers, So I turned around to see Every woman in that store Was a'gawkin' right at me! "What kind would you be looking for?" Well, I just scratched my head. I'd only seen one kind before, "Thought bras was bras," I said. She gave me a disgusted look, "Well sir, that's where you're wrong. Follow me," I heard her say, Like a dog, I tagged along. She took me down this alley Where bras was on display. I thought my jaw would hit the floor When I saw that lingerie. They had all these different styles That I'd never seen before I thought I'd go plumb crazy 'fore I left that women's store. They had bras you wear for eighteen hours And bras that cross your heart. There was bras that lift and separate, And that was just the start. They had bras that made you feel Like you ain't wearing one at all, And bras that you can train in When you start off when you're small. Well, I finally made my mind up - Picked a black and lacy one - I told the lady, "Bag it up," And figured I was done. But then she asked me for the size I didn't hesitate I knew that measurement by heart, "A six-and-seven-eighths." "Six and seven eighths you say? That really isn't right." "Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive - I measured them last night!" I thought that she'd go into shock, Musta took her by surprise When I told her that my wife's bust Was the same as my hat size. "That's what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair, But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am." This drew another stare. By now a crowd had gathered And they all was crackin' up When the lady asked to see my hat, To measure for the cup. When she finally had it figured, I gave the gal her pay. Then I turned to leave the store, Tipped my hat and said, "Good day." My wife had heard the story 'fore I ever made it home. She'd talked to fifteen women Who called her on the phone. She was still a-laughin' But by then I didn't care. Now she don't ask and I don't shop For women's underwear. ~ Author Unknown

A smile appeared upon her face as if she'd taken it directly from her handbag and pinned it there.  ~Loma Chandler   A laugh is a smile that bursts.  ~Mary H. Waldrip   Smile — sunshine is good for your teeth. ~Author Unknown   The shortest distance between two people is a smile. ~Author unknown, modification of Victor Borge's "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."   Every scowling face also contains the shapes of engaging smiles, just waiting to be released. ~Dr. SunWolf, professorsunwolf.com   If you don't start out the day with a smile, it's not too late to start practicing for tomorrow. ~Author Unknown   Is a smile a question? Or is it the answer? ~Lee Smith   Smiling is my favorite exercise. ~Author Unknown   The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ~Robert Bloch   I have a tickle in my brain. And it keeps making the corners of my mouth point toward the heavens. ~Jeb Dickerson, www.howtomatter.com   Every smile makes you a day younger. ~Chinese Proverb   Wear a smile - one size fits all. ~Author Unknown   People are not perfect (except when they smile). ~Author Unknown   No matter how grouchy you're feeling, You'll find the smile more or less healing. It grows in a wreath All around the front teeth— Thus preserving the face from congealing. ~Anthony Euwer   Every day you spend without a smile, is a lost day.  ~Author Unknown   Sometimes it's just enough to smile sincerely.  ~Mike Dolan, www.hawaiianlife.com   Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.  ~Mother Teresa   A smile is like tight underwear - it makes your cheeks go up.  ~Author Unknown   A friendly look, a kindly smile, one good act, and life's worthwhile.  ~Author Unknown   What a snapshot is to your life, your life is to eternity, so wouldn't it be nice if eternity captured you smiling?  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com   A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.  ~Washington Irving   Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.  ~Charles Reade   A smile is the universal welcome.  ~Max Eastman   Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to.  ~Author Unknown   You're never fully dressed without a smile.  ~Martin Charnin   A smile can brighten the darkest day.  ~Author Unknown   Smile, it lets your teeth breathe.  ~Author Unknown   It takes seventeen muscles to smile and forty-three to frown.  ~Author Unknown   Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.  ~Janet Lane   The teeth are smiling, but is the heart? ~African Proverb   All the statistics in the world can't measure the warmth of a smile.  ~Chris Hart   If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.  ~Author Unknown   Smile!  It increases your face value.  ~Robert Harling, Steel Magnolias   Peace begins with a smile.  ~Mother Teresa   A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.  ~Author Unknown   Most smiles are started by another smile.  ~Author Unknown   A smile is something you can't give away; it always comes back to you.  ~Author Unknown   A smile costs nothing but gives much.  It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give.  It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.  None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it.  Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away.  Some people are too tired to give you a smile.  Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.  ~Author Unknown   It takes a lot of work from the face to let out a smile, but just think what good smiling can bring to the most important muscle of the body... the heart.  ~Author Unknown

  The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.  ~William Shakespeare, Othello   A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home.  ~Author Unknown   If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.  ~Andy Rooney   If you smile at someone, they might smile back.  ~Author Unknown   Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it.  ~Author Unknown   Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile.  ~Author Unknown   Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile.  ~Paul Simon, "Only Living Boy in New York"   Everyone smiles in the same language.  ~Author Unknown   If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine.  ~Author Unknown   I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.  ~Author Unknown   Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles.  ~George Eliot   She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.  ~Raymond Chandler   Smiling is infectious, You can catch it like the flu. Someone smiled at me today, And I started smiling too. ~Author Unknown

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles.  It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.  ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.   A smile confuses an approaching frown.  ~Author Unknown   People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.  ~Lee Mildon   A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.  ~Phyllis Diller   Smile.  Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends?  Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over.  ~Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997   The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.  ~Author Unknown   Start every day with a smile and get it over with.  ~W.C. Fields   Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available.  ~Jim Beggs   A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.  ~Charles Gordy   Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.  ~Mark Twain, Following the Equator

>1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue! > >2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. > >3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. > >4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.. > >5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague > >6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. > >7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. > >8 * Never buy a car you can't push. > >9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. > >10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. > >11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. > >12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. > >13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. > >14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. > >16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. > >17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. > >18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. > >19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. > >AND MOST IMPORTANTLY > >20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!* > > >

Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky. - Anais Nin The darkest night is often the bridge to the brightest tomorrow. Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is. Another Sunrise, Another New Beginning. - J,  Huie With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. - Eleanor Roosevelt You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. - C. S. Lewis Every wall is a door. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Write your Sad times in Sand, Write your Good times in Stone. - George Bernard Shaw What we think, we become. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world. Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. - Martin Luther King, Jr. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton What's done is done. - William Shakespeare 1Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. - John F. Kennedy Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right. - Henry Ford Life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. - Charles Swindoll Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough. - Oprah Winfrey

As friends we are like little birds who chirp across the fence, we catch up on all the "why's" and "what has happened since?" The morning glory of your heart keeps blooming all the time, I have to say it's gentle vine has wrapped round this heart of mine. We help each other spread our wings, and try our best to fly, sometimes we flutter to the ground, only to give it another try! So, thank you, gentle friend of mine, for helping me to see that friends are one of God's great gifts, and he gave you to me! …THOUGHTS TO PONDER… There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. In the hopes of reachingthe moon, we sometimes fail to see the flowers that blossom at our feet.Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be…so enjoy this day while it lasts!

Don't wash your hair in the shower       It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!       INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR        BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT …       WARNING TO US ALL!!!       Shampoo Warning!       I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!       I use shampoo in the shower!       When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,       and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,       "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."       No wonder I have been gaining weight!       Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to       start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads,       "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."       Problem solved!       If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower! 

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: As long as we have memories, yesterday remains. As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendships, each day is never a waste. *********************************************************************** CONVENIENCE STORE! A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry." "Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. "Nope. Don't have that." "My Gosh!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the darn store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key." *********************************************************** APPLIED PSYCHOLOGY! A college going pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith, "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

        >  >  >  >>Subject: The fridge >>  >>Makes sense to me! >>  >>My wife left a note on the fridge......... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!" >> >> >> I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold......... God only knows what she was talking about!! ______________________________________________________________________ This email has been scanned by the Symantec Email Security.cloud service. For more information please visit http://www.symanteccloud.com ______________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ DISCLAIMER: The information contained in this transmission may contain privileged and confidential information. It is intended only for the use of the person(s) named above. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any review, dissemination, distribution or duplication of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply email and destroy all copies of the original message. ______________________________________________________________________ This email has been scanned by the Symantec Email Security.cloud service. For more information please visit http://www.symanteccloud.com ______________________________________________________________________

  >> >>Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. >>  >>Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. >>  >>My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. >>  >>As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. >>  >>I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. >>  >>Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." >>  >>There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!" >>  >>Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." >>  >>He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car." >>  >>Yep, it's the golden years. >> >> >> >  >  > 

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant. "Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited. "Don't be loud," said another, and so on. "And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap." ________________________________ B

Some people sit....some people try, Some people laugh....some people cry. Some people will....some people won't, Some people do....some people don't. Some people believe and develop a plan, Some people doubt....never think that they can. Some people face hurdles and give it their best, Some people back down....when faced with a test. Some people complain of their miserable lot, Some people are thankful for all that they've got. And when it's over....when it comes to an end, Some people lose out and some people win. We all have a choice....We all have a say, We are spectators in life, or we get in and play. Whatever we choose....how we handle life's game, The choices are ours....no one else is to blame.

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: I am only responsible for what I say, not what you understand!  FUNNY ONE - LINERS! The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.   Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.   Archeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.   There are two kinds of people who don't say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.   They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?   My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.   There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late.

For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs in the 1930's, '40's and '50's here's a little history from that period: Before there were interstate highways, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields next to the highways. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet...and the obligatory 5th sign advertising. Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Below are some examples: DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR.TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE, YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING, BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE. CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER. SPEED WAS HIGH, WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT. THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE. AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU. A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN'. AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY. BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE. THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING. CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child. If they do - then you're old as dirt.

Skinny Dipping An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave! The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Some old men can still think fast.