A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his Vacation. He wrote: I would very much like To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed And very well behaved. Would you be willing To permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've Never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, Silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never Had to evict a dog in the middle of the night For being drunk and disorderly. And I've never Had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, Your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your Dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay Here, too." Humor Keeps Me Sane

Reasons NOT To Diet Without all that cream cheese, ice cream and butter your bones will get weak. 95 percent of dieters never lose weight anyway. Cherry pie cures backaches and headaches. Your boss keeps leaving chocolate chip cookies on your desk as a hint, because you're so crabby when you diet. Your cat doesn't care if you are fat or thin. do you really want to look like Joan Rivers? Your mother is fat. Your grandmother is fat. Your brother & sister are fat. Do you really think you can beat those odds? They say you are what you eat. Do you really want to be a bowl of bran flakes with skim milk? You'll gain it all back, plus at least 20 more pounds. Your mother won't look hurt anymore when you refuse her coconut cream pie. Dieting brings out your wrinkles. When your feeling sad you need a piece of chocolate cake. Raw carrots just don't cut it. Your husband loves you just the way you are.

  Cherish The Time    Ah, the joys of restful remembrance! Thinking back on years ago, Shoveling dust off rusted trunks, Discovering the treasure hid below. What a bittersweet feeling it is To live for a moment again in the past! To smile once more on enjoyable times, But know in your heart you'll never get them back How truly painful can it be; To know what our God must see. To recall a past mistake And want to choose a different road to take. Cherish, my friends, the time you have! For when all is said and done. What you will have are the memories And the knowledge that God is the only one! Unknown

I was in the 'Six Item Express' lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So - which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ================= Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."They were seated immediately. =========== All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ========== Women and cats will do as they please; and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ========= Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugenecommented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!"   ------------------------------------------------- John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" -------------------------------------- A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and Ihave to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke toher on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.  He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" Humor Keeps Me Sane

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.   All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became and he just wouldn't let up.   To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card."

Winter of My Life >>You know. . .Time has a way of moving quickly And catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young,Just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, And I wonder where all the years went.I know that I lived them all...And I have glimpses of how it was back then >>and of all my hopes and dreams...But, here it is...The winter of my life and >>it catches me by surprise... >>How did I get here so fast?Where did the years go and >>where did my youth go? I remember well...Seeing older people through the years >>and thinking that those older people were years away from me >>and that winter was so far off  that I could not fathom it >>or imagine fully what it would be like...But, here it is... >>My friends are retired and getting grey... >>They move slower and I see an older person now. >>Some are in better and some worse shape than me... >>But, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember >>who were young and vibrant...But, like me, their age is beginning to show >>and we are now those older folks that we used to see >>and never thought we'd be. >>Each day now, I find that just getting a shower >>is a real target for the day! >>And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! >>'Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit! >>And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared >>for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability >>to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! >>Yes, I have regrets. >>There are things I wish I hadn't done...Things I should have done, but indeed, >>There are many things I'm happy to have done. >>It's all in a lifetime... >>So, if you're not in your winter yet... >>Let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. >>Whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, >>please do it quickly! >>Don't put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. >>So, do what you can today,As you can never be sure whether >>this is your winter or not! >>You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life... >>So, live for today and say all the things you want your loved ones to remember... >>And hope they appreciate and love you for all the things >>you have done for them in all the years past!! >> >>Life is a gift to you. >>The way you live your life >>is your gift to those who come after. >>Make it a fantastic one. >> >>~ And, Remember ~ >>"It is health that is real wealth >>And not pieces of gold or silver." >>~Author, Unknown    

Thanks Edna - Keep up the good work, my wife laughed at the latest offering, as did I :-) I enjoy the majority of the humour that you have been posting and really appreciate the ones with a reflective nature. Trusting that your health has improved. Regards & blessings Bruce Cavanagh (Rev'd) -----Original Message----- From: genhumor-bounces@rootsweb.com [mailto:genhumor-bounces@rootsweb.com] On Behalf Of Edna Wakeham Sent: Wednesday, 12 September 2012 9:16 a.m. To: GenHumor Subject: [GENHUMOR] Fw: 24 Hours (awdewd) Mike returns from the doctor and tells his wife that theDoctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Mike asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Mike, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours...Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Mike, enough is enoughI have to get up in the morning...you don't.'           ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to GENHUMOR-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

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This humor isn't about genealogy most of the item anyway. -----Original Message----- From: genhumor-bounces@rootsweb.com [mailto:genhumor-bounces@rootsweb.com] On Behalf Of Edna Wakeham Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2012 5:16 PM To: GenHumor Subject: [GENHUMOR] Fw: 24 Hours (awdewd) Mike returns from the doctor and tells his wife that theDoctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Mike asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Mike, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours...Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Mike, enough is enoughI have to get up in the morning...you don't.'           ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to GENHUMOR-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

Mike returns from the doctor and tells his wife that theDoctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Mike asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Mike, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours...Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Mike, enough is enoughI have to get up in the morning...you don't.'          

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard...Violators will be toad." =========== My neighbor's young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickel. He was rushed to the hospital. The next day I asked my neighbor how his son was doing, and he replied, "No change yet". =========== Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning? A: At the quack of dawn.

----- Forwarded Message ----- From: "AWDEWD@aol.com" <AWDEWD@aol.com> To: Sent: Tuesday, September 4, 2012 1:12 AM Subject: Little/LB "Little" Little stones make big mountains, Little steps can cover miles, Little acts of loving-kindness give the world it's biggest smiles. Little words can soothe big troubles. Little hugs can dry big tears, Little candles light the darkness, little memories last for years. Little dreams can lead to greatness, little victories to success; It's the little things in life That brings the greatest happiness. When I think about all the little things, warm thoughts of you always come to mind. All the joy that friendship brings, always and forever sharing it together.

My daily wish is that we may see good in those who pass our way; find in each a worthy trait that we shall gladly cultivate; see in each one passing by the better things that beautify A softly spoken word of cheer, A kindly face, a smile sincere. I pray each day that we may view The things that warm one's heart anew; The kindly deed that can't be bought That only from good are wrought, A burden lightened here and there, A brother lifted from despair, The aged ones freed from distress; The lame, the sick, brought happiness. Grant that before each sun has set We'll witness deeds we can't forget; A soothing hand to one in pain, A sacrifice for love - not gain; A word to ease the troubled mind Of one whom fate has dealt unkind. So, friend, my wish is that we may See good in all who pass our way. Author Unknown

"Sunday Service" One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.  The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.  The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."  So the minister began his sermon.  One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask  the cowboy how he liked the sermon.  The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,  I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."   Humor Keeps Me Sane

Bedtime came, we were settling down, I was holding one of my lads. As I grasped him so tight, I saw a strange sight: My hands. . .they looked like my dad's! I remember them well, those old gnarled hooks, there was always a cracked nail or two. And thanks to a hammer that strayed from its mark, his thumb was a beautiful blue! They were rough, I remember, incredibly tough, as strong as a carpenter's vice. But holding a scared little boy at night, they seemed to me awfully nice!  The sight of those hands - how impressive it was in the eyes of his little boy. Other dads' hands were cleaner, it seemed (the effects of their office employ). I gave little thought in my formative years of the reason for Dad's raspy mitts: The love in the toil, the dirt and the oil, rusty plumbing that gave those hands fits!  Thinking back, misty-eyed, and thinking ahead, when one day my time is done. The torch of love in my own wrinkled hands will pass on to the hands of my son. I don't mind the bruises, the scars here and there or the hammer that just seemed to slip. I want most of all when my son takes my hand, to feel that love lies in the grip. ~by David Kettler~

#1...Aging is guaranteed, but gaining wisdom is not. #2...A good friend remembers what we were and sees what we can be. #3...A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. #4...A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. #5...A guilty conscience needs no accusers. #6...And in the end it's not the years in your life that counts, It's the life in your years. #7...A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. #8...An optimist is a person who looks forward to enjoying the scenery on a detour. #9...A part of you have grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart. #10..A person who knows but who doesn't know he knows is asleep; awaken him. But a person who knows and knows that he knows is wise; follow him. #11..A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. #12..A time of quietude brings things into proportion and gives us strength. We all need to take time from the busyness of living, even if it is be ten minutes to watch the sun go down or the city lights blossom against a canyon sky. #12..A sharp tongue and a dull brain are usually found in the same head. #13..A smile is a powerful weapon, you can even break ice with it. #14..As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction. #15..A positive attitude is a magnet for positive results.

Puns for Educated Minds > >1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir >Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. > >2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but >it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ... > >4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, >because it was a weapon of math disruption. > >5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be >stationery. > >6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited >for littering. > >7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in >Linoleum Blownapart. > >8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. > >10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. > > >11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. > >12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. >One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' > >13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. >Then it hit me. > >14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: >'Keep off the Grass.' > >15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a >small medium at large. > >16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is >now a seasoned veteran. > >17. A backward poet writes inverse. > >18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism >it's your count that votes. > >20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . > >21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead >raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one >carrion allowed per passenger.' > >22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the >other and says 'Dam!' > >23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit >a fire in the craft.. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you >can't have your kayak and heat it too. > >24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my >electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm >positive.' > >25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with >the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did..

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school. These are the things I learned: * Share everything. * Play fair. * Don't hit people. * Put things back where you found them. * Clean up your own mess. * Don't take things that aren't yours. * Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. * Wash your hands before you eat. * Flush. * Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. * Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. * Take a nap every afternoon. * When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together. * Be aware of wonder. * Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. * Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we. * And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together!!! [That has been sooooooooooooo forgotten in our world!]

To be Cherished It’s the heart’s desire of every woman alive to be cherished and for that tenderness to thrive. To be held so dear to at least one other’s heart, that you'll be together even if miles apart. To be held in the very highest esteem, with never a chance of a division between...being so close you're on the same wavelength, and so in tune you share the other’s strengths. I have been cherished in just this way and I still remember to this very day, and how joy spread throughout my life all the years I had as my loved one’s wife. But I've found you must cherish to be cherished, and that tenderness must be nourished. How can I be cherished? And where do I start? Just ask the Lord for the desires of your heart. Yes, it is the heart’s desire of every woman alive to be cherished and for that tenderness to thrive. So open your heart, this treasure to receive ...for it can yours...if you truly believe. V. Archer 07-12