>> Never underestimate the power of a woman! >>  >>  >>Love Old Women >> >>AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD >>WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT. >> >> >>SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, >>BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED > >>OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. >> >>The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey >>Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?" >> >>THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... >>NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." >> >>A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, >>YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. >> >>THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING >> >>AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. >> >>WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL >>LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON. >> >>THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND >> >>COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. >> >>THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED >>LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. >> >>THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE >> >>SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. >> >>THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE >>GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. >> >>THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE >>QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S butt? >> >>THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED >>TO." >> >>THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE: >> >>1 - Never be arrogant. >>2 - Don't waste ammunition. >>3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. >>4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. >>5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid... >> >>I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? >> >> >>     >> 

As an airport skycap checked through a customer at curbside, he accidentally knocked over the man's luggage. He quickly collected the fallen bags and apologized for the mishap. Unappeased, the traveler burst into an angry tirade, raging and swearing at the skycap for his clumsiness. Throughout the traveler's rant, the baggage handler calmly apologized and smiled. The livid customer continued to berate the man, even as he turned away and headed for his gate. Through it all the baggage handler smiled and remained calm. The next customer in line witnessed the incident and marveled at the skycap's professionalism and self control. "I have never seen such restraint and humility," he said. "How do you keep your cool when somebody is attacking you so viciously?" "It's easy," the skycap answered. "He's going to London, but his bags are going to Tokyo."

----- Forwarded Message ---- From: "AWDEWD@aol.com" <AWDEWD@aol.com> Sent: Tue, October 2, 2012 4:12:52 PM Subject: MY GARMIN   MY GARMIN I have a little Garmin.  It sits there in my car.  A Garmin is a driver's friend - It tells you where you are. I have a little Garmin.  I've had it all my life It's better than the normal ones My Garmin is my wife. It gives me full instructionsEspecially how to drive "It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five". It tells me when to stop and startAnd when to use the brake And tells me that it's never everSafe to overtake. It tells me when a light is redAnd when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in frontAnd all those to the rear And taking this into accountIt specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driverHas so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselingEach journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange itAnd get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,Makes sure I'm properly fed,It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantagesAnd my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once in a whileI could turn the poor thing off!      

  Life can be hard….there’s financial trouble, difficult relationships, health problems, death etc…..but every day I have a choice: I can let these things bring me down……or I can Choose Joy and just be thankful that I’m here. I can CHOOSE. My attitude, whether good or bad, will impact others: whether it’s my friends and family, the clerk at the grocery store or a random person in line at the ATM.

Last week my in-laws took a trip to Sin City - aka Las Vegas - aka the desert where Siegfried and Roy hang out. The day after they got home, they gave Stacy and I a call to tell us about their trip. We could tell right away that they were very excited about something. Numerous possibilities ran through our minds...they won some major cash, they got to meet Wayne Newton, they visited the pawn shop featured on the show "Pawn Stars", you get the idea. So, after listening to them get more and more excited, they finally spilled the beans. They found a place that had 99 cent lobster tails and they even brought us home leftovers in their carry-on luggage. Hey, who doesn't love some cheap lobster? My in-laws like to gamble with money, we like to gamble with our stomachs...so, who's got some butter? =============== Did You See That? Two guys are out hunting. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?" ================== *-- Bear Left --* Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read, "BEAR LEFT". So they went home.

Enjoy what you have today. Change is always around the corner. ~ Anon   A good time to laugh is any time you can.  ~Linda Ellerbee   “We tend to forget that happiness doesn`t come as a result of getting something we don`t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” – Frederick Keonig Mirth is God's medicine.  Everybody ought to bathe in it.  ~Henry Ward Beecher “Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust   Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle   “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” — Albert Einstein So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter. ~Gordon W. Allport “Get excited and enthusiastic about your own dream. This excitement is like a forest fire – you can smell it, taste it, and see it from a mile away.” – Denis Waitley "Happiness never decreases by being shared.” – Buddha   "Laughter is as necessary for good health as diet and exercise are." -- Anon   A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning, while a good cry is a wet wash.  ~Puzant Kevork Thomajan "I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition." -- Martha Washington Wondrous is the strength of cheerfulness, and its power of endurance - the cheerful man will do more in the same time, will do it; better, will preserve it longer, than the sad or sullen. -- Thomas Carlyle   Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.  ~Author Unknown Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. ~Kurt Vonnegut

A mirror is only as good As the reflection in it. Worry enough to anticipate trouble But not so much as to bring it about. Look back to where you have been For a clue to where you are going. Melt the icy fingers of fear With the sunshine of hope. Step by gentle step, You can overcome the greatest sorrow. The sweetest grapes Are picked from the vineyard of friendship. Find something you truly believe in, And everything else will have meaning as well.

         A little chuckle for the day.   I was visiting my little grand-daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.   'This is the 21st century, Pops,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'   I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...

Though we all must choose our own paths in life and the journey may sometimes seem far, If we learn from our ancestors' struggle and strife, we will be better yet than we are. Our grandfathers etching our history in stone and grandmothers with silken threads weaving, Empowered us with the will to be strong and succeed if we keep on believing. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "For the sons become the fathers, and the daughters will be wives, as the torch is passed from hand to hand and we struggle through our lives. Though the generations wonder, the lineage survives. And all of us from dust to dust will all become forefathers by and by." Dan Fogelberg --------------------------- "She's crazy, you know.... she's obsessed with her family tree!" “The pride of ancestry increases in the ratio of distance.” – Jane Austin

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Wow, that sounds terrible..." Ed said. "What business were you in?" "I sell good luck charms," said Ted. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Telltale Signs of Being a Mother Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. Popsicle's become a food staple. Your favorite television show is a cartoon. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!   You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.    

  Why some men have a Dog, but no wife... > >  > 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. >  >  >  > 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. >  >  >  > 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. >  >  >  > 4. A dog's parents never visit. >  >  >  > 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. >  >  > 6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. >  >  >  > 7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. >  >  >  > 8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get >another dog?" > >  >  >  >  > 9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. >  >  >  > 10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a >pervert. > >  >  >  > 11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think >it's interesting. > >  >  >  >And last... but not least: > > >12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. >  >     

During a recent password audit by a fortune 500 company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital." On reflection, that almost makes perfect sense. ==================== A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving. ====================

  I have seen better days, but have also seen worse. I do not have all of my wants, but I have all of my needs. I woke up with a few aches and pains, but I woke up. My life may not be perfect, but I thank God that it is good.

  HOW TO STAY YOUNG Wine does not make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people. 1. Try everything twice. On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!" 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches! 3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever...Never let the brain get idle.'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'  and the devil's name is Alzheimer's! 4. Enjoy the simple things.  5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER. 7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.  6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips.Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is!! 10. Tell the people that they are special to you, at every opportunity. You are one ofmy special friends!!! 11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance. Remember! Lost time can never be found. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

‎"The best gift you could ever give someone is your TIME, because you're giving them something that you'll never get back!"     BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE! If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don't change. Uniqueness is priceless.   In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. It takes a lot of courage to stand alone, but it’s worth it. Being YOU is worth it!     FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT YOU! I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I trust them. I just don't have time to hate people who hurt me, because I'm too busy loving people who love me. The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to move forward is the happiest. Be brave. Be strong. Be happy. Be free.

ON BEING AN ANCESTRESS (To My Great- great Grandchildren) (Author unknown) I shall not care for it, I’m sure, The being dead, you know, my dears, And hanging primly on a wall- Just looking on for years and years! Ah, no, I’m sure I shall not like To be imprisoned there in paint; I, who love being up- to date, Shall never like just being... quaint! Of course I’ll do the proper thing, And hang serenely in my place Beside your great- great grandpapa – A wifely smile upon my face! And you will all look up to me _ Believe, no doubt, I was a saint, For all my faults, of course will be Quite blotted out by time and… paint! No doubt your honored parents, dears, Will point my portrait out and say: “Your great- great granny would be shocked - Things were so different in her day!” And I’ll not say a word, nor smile - I’ll look demure, show no surprise – But, dears, if you seek sympathy, I think you’ll find it in my eyes! And if you stand and look at me, And, wistful, wonder if I knew The pain, the passion and the stress Of life, as they are felt by you, Come closer, dears, and never tell – To you a secret I’ll entrust: Your flaming hearts have caught their fire From your great- great grandmother’s dust!   

Hold on to your dreams and never let them go. Show the rest of the world how wonderful you are! Give circumstances a chance , and give others the benefit of the doubt. Wish on a star that shines in your sky. Take on your problems one by one and work things out. Rely on all the strength you have inside. Let loose of the sparkle and spirit that you sometimes try to hide. Stay in touch with those who touch your life with love. Look on the bright side and don't let the losers keep you from winning. Be yourself, because you are filled with special qualities. that have brought you this far and that will always see you through. Keep your spirits up.

Subject: TWO BOYS >>Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. >> >>They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief >>occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. >> >>The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in >>disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. >> >>The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. >> >>The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the >>preacher in the afternoon. >> >>The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and >> >>asked him sternly, >> >>"Do you know where God is, son?" >> >>The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed >>with his mouth hanging open. >> >>So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, >> >>"Where is God?! >> >>Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. >> >>The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face >>and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!" >> >>The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his >>closet, slamming the door behind him. >> >>When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, >> >>"What happened?" >> >>The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, >> >>"We are in BIG trouble this time!" >> >>"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!" >> >> >>PLEASE DON'T LAUGH ALONE. >> >>        >> >>    

----- Forwarded Message ---- From: "AWDEWD@aol.com" <AWDEWD@aol.com> Sent: Sun, September 23, 2012 5:08:26 PM Subject: Abe and Esther Vacation   Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.   Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $50.00 Public Broadcast Station pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and Master Card this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They'll find us!"    

1. No one can ruin your day without your permission 2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be 3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently 4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have 5. Success stops when you do 6. When your ship comes in . . . make sure you are willing to unload it 7. You will never 'have it all together' 8. Life is a journey . . . not a destination 9. The biggest lie on the planet: 'when I get what I want, I will be happy' 10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it 11. I've learned that ultimately 'takers lose and givers win' 12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared 13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive 14. We often fear the thing we want the most 15. He or she who laughs . . . lasts 16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints 17. Look for opportunities . . . not guarantees 18. Success is getting up one more time 19. Now is the most interesting time of all 20. When things go wrong . . . don't go with them 21. Life is what's coming . . . not what was Author Unknown