A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew to be 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
A Hug Certificate for You! If I could catch a rainbow I would do it just for you And share with you its beauty On the days you're feeling blue. If I could build a mountain You could call your very own; A place to find serenity, A place to be alone. If I could take your troubles I would toss them in the sea, But all these things, I'm finding, Are impossible for me. I cannot build a mountain Or catch a rainbow fair, But let me be what I know best, A friend who's always there. This is a Hug Certificate!! Life is a coin, You can spend it anyway you wish, But you can only spend it once.
1)You can't count your hair. 2)You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. Ten (10) Things I know about you: 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing! It's a Beautiful Evening even when it's not. Do not regret getting older, it is a privilege denied to many!
Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again. ~~~~~ He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese. ~~~~~ Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months. ~~~~~ While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him." ~~~~~ Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops." ~~~~~ One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?" ~~~~~ I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it." ~~~~~ My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring." ~~~~~ Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later." ~~~~~ When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places. ~~~~~ You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ================== My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend; Someone who changes your life Just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh Until you can't stop; Someone who makes you believe That there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you That there really is an unlocked door Just waiting for you to open it. Humor Keeps Me Sane
Criticizers are not hard to find. What this world needs are good ENCOURAGERS! NOT more people to find faults, but people to point out strengths and encourage us to excel. The most successful people look for positive qualities. They see potential where others see failure. And they encourage success in others! Mark Twain put it like this, keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too can become great! Who do you spend your time with? Criticizers or encouragers? Surround yourself with people who believe in positive change. Life is too important for anything less. God gave you 86,400 seconds today, have you use one to say “thank you or I love you?”
Loneliness gives birth to future joys This is something you will have to find out But only if you make an effort Then a friend you'll find, no doubt. Don't sit at home and be forlorn Your mind will take control It will convince you no one cares That's when you'll want to be consoled. Become a part of everyday living Open up and invite the world in Don't let your life pass you by You won't be coming this way again. Do something with your life each day Endeavor to make new friends That's how you keep from being lonely But your heart and hand you have to extend. If you stay behind locked doors Then lonely you will always be You won't be living, just merely existing Open up your door and set yourself free. Chee Chee Martin
blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it. - Martin Luther King Jr. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King, Jr. As selfishness and complaint pervert and cloud the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision. - Helen Keller If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? - 1 John 3:17 Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. - Erich Fromm May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home. May good and faithful friends be yours, wherever you may roam. May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures. May all life's passing seasons bring the best to you and yours.
#yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass .yiv1818218026ecxshape {} #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass p.yiv1818218026ecxMsoNormal, #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass li.yiv1818218026ecxMsoNormal, #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass div.yiv1818218026ecxMsoNormal {margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman", "serif";} #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass a:link, #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass span.yiv1818218026ecxMsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass a:visited, #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass span.yiv1818218026ecxMsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:purple;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass p {margin-right:0in;margin-left:0in;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman", "serif";} #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass span.yiv1818218026ecxEmailStyle18 {font-family:"Calibri", "sans-serif";color:#1F497D;} #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass .yiv1818218026ecxMsoChpDefault {font-size:10.0pt;} _filtered #yiv1818218026 {} #yiv1818218026 .yiv1818218026ExternalClass div.yiv1818218026ecxWordSection1 {} Subject: Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel. This is the Promised Land." Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck... Folks, we're screwed!
The Autumn Years The Spring and Summer were good seasons in my life. I enjoyed my friends and family with a minimum of strife. Of course there were joys and sorrows .. common to most everyone... but life has been the result of MY choices ...when all is said and done! Now, oh so quickly, the Autumn is already here ...not only the season, but also in my years. Yes, the time has flown without asking my permission, Winter now approaches and my only choice is how I face that condition! I pray I'll live these latter years with joy in my heart. Perhaps keeping a smile on my face will make a very good start!
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. ================= What the Doctor says and what he really means. Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away." Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. Doctor: "Let me check your medical history." Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you." Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news." Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests." Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab. Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests." Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.
Two Polish guys are walking down the street. One of them says, sadly, "Wow! Look at that dead bird." The other guy looks up in the sky and says, "Where?" *** Two employees are talking. One of them asks the other, "How long have you been working here?" The other one replies, "Since they threatened to fire me." ***A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "I'm going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample, and a stool sample." The guy says, "Listen, Doc I'm in a hurry. Can I just leave my shorts?" *** A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender. *** Q: Why did the math book visit the doctor? A: Because it had problems. Q: Why are cakes similar to baseball teams? A: They both need good batters.
A mirror is only as good As the reflection in it. Worry enough to anticipate trouble But not so much as to bring it about. Look back to where you have been For a clue to where you are going. Melt the icy fingers of fear With the sunshine of hope. Step by gentle step, You can overcome the greatest sorrow. The sweetest grapes Are picked from the vineyard of friendship. Find something you truly believe in, And everything else will have meaning as well.
As children, many of us were taught to always try to please people. We were told it was important to be seen as nice and non-confrontational. As a result, we went out of our way to do things that people wanted. We became people pleasers, afraid to rock the boat. Is this still your mantra? Recognize and appreciate that you have a right to do what is right for you. There is no need to always feel obligated to please others, at your expense. Ø If a friend asks you to do something when you have other priorities, say NO. Ø If the school asks you to volunteer when you have other plans. Say NO. Ø Don't feel obligated to offer an excuse. Ø Give yourself permission to say, NO. Because A balanced life includes pleasing yourself as well as others.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future. Love...and you shall be loved. God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him. All people smile in the same language. A hug is a great gift... one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange. Everyone needs to be loved...especially when they do not deserve it. The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity. Laughter is God's sunshine. Everyone has beauty but not everyone sees it. It's important for parents to live the same things they teach. Thank God for what you have, TRUST GOD for what you need. If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for. Man looks at outward appearance but the Lord looks within. The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow. Take time to laugh, for it is the music of the soul. If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it. Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears. Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together. The best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other. Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts. To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it. We take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for. Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished. Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others. For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are! Author Unknown - Wishing Your Day be Filled with Love and Peace!
The computer swallowed Grandma, Yes, honestly it’s true! She pressed 'control and 'enter' and disappeared from view. It devoured her completely; the thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin and files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, but nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Mr. Google my searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, not a thing was found 'online.' So, if inside your 'In box,' my Grandma you should see, please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' her, and send her back to me. This is a tribute to all the Grandmas & Grandpas, Nannas & Pops, who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer. They are the greatest!· We do not stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing. NEVER Be The First To Get Old!
Vitamin F...... I loved this and wanted to share it with you... Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character? How can I get Along with them all? I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me. With one of them I am polite. With another, I joke. I sit down and talk about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's advice for me. My friends are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends! They are my friends who understand me better than I understand myself. They're friends who support me through good days and bad. We all pray together and for each other. Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr. Oz calls them Vitamin F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as Essential to our well being. Research shows that people in strong social circles Have less risk of depression and terminal strokes. If you enjoy Vitamin F Constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth Of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments, it decreases The chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%. I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamin F! In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should Try to see the funny side of things and laugh together and pray for each other in the Tough moments. Thank you for being one of my Vitamins!
The World Is Mine Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman And wished I were as beautiful. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine. I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm. I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm. And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind. It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind." Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine. Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew. He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them dear?" He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine. With feet to take me where I'd go.. With eyes to see the sunset's glow. With ears to hear what I'd know. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.I've been blessed indeed,?the world is mine. ??If this poem makes you feel thankful,just forward it to your friends. After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be thankful for! Give the gift of love.It never comes back empty ! God has truly blessed me withan AWESOME FAMILY&WONDERFUL FRIENDS ! No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com/ Version: 8.5.455 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/5259 - Release Date: 09/09/12 18:34:00