Don't Judge those who try and fail. .... Judge only those who fail to try..... Good Morning to all my dear friends You are Rich or Poor in Life by…. Smiles around you... Friends you make... People you are with... Ideas you have…. Dreams you chase… And the Love you spread…. Have a great day …

Dude 1: "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." Dude 2: "And did he?" Dude 1: "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill." =============== What the Cluck Happened? An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens. "I think I know where I'm going wrong," he tells the dealer. "I think I'm planting them too deep." =============== Q: What game do cows play at parties? A: Mooosical Chairs. Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel? A: Itch-hiking.

      I woke up,    I lifted my arms,    I moved my knees,    I turned my neck....  Everything made the same noise:  'CrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'  I came to a conclusion:    I’m not old,  I’m   crispy!    

   Old age ain't for wimps..but it beats dying young. Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said walking up to her, "but in a little while, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. I would like to have someone to share it with. Will you come home with me?" The woman went home with Charles, and the next week she became his stepmother.  

  The 12 Days Of Thanksgiving   On the First Day..... We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast And its hot trimmings.   On the Second Day..... We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, Sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.   On the Third Day..... We praise the turkey pie And vintage mixed veggies.   On the Fourth Day..... We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison That first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.   On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and Pray for a glimpse of naked turkey carcass.   On the Sixth Day..... We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook Who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.   On the Seventh Day..... We forgive our forefathers and pass The turkey-nugget pizza.   On the Eighth Day..... The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.   On the Ninth Day..... We check our hair to make sure we're not Beginning to sprout feathers.   On the Tenth Day..... We hope that the wing meat kabobs Catch fire under the broiler.   On the Eleventh Day..... We smile over the creamed gizzard because The thigh bones are in sight.   On the Twelfth Day..... We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen Humor Keeps Me Sane

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. - Frederick Koenig You never really appreciate a thing until you have to give it up. - John Rhodes Sturdy Time and health are two precious assets that we don't recognize and appreciate until they have been depleted. - Denis Waitley We are all different - and we are all one. Take time to understand, and to appreciate. With gratitude, all life appears as a blessing -without gratitude, all of life is perceived as a burden. - J. L, Huie

         At some point in a guy's life . . . it comes down to this Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.  Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,  firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Hey Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go ?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife  came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"  I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.     She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.  On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !   She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.     And then she said, "Do whatever you want."     So, Here I am !    

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? ' The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be? 'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

  1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.   God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.   Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:   1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

One song can spark a moment. One flower can wake the dream. One tree can start a forest. One bird can herald spring. One smile begins a friendship. One hand clasp lifts a soul. One star can guide a ship at sea. One word can frame the goal. One vote can change a nation. One sunbeam lights a room. One candle wipes out darkness. One laugh will conquer gloom. One step must start each journey. One word must start each prayer. One hope will raise our spirits. One touch can show you care. One voice can speak with wisdom. One heart can know what's true. One life can make the difference, and I'm so glad that I've known you all of these years!!

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing. The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at  Harvard University Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! 1.    This is this cat.            2.    This is is cat. 3.    This is how cat. 4.    This is to cat. 5.    This is keep cat. 6.    This is an cat. 7.    This is old cat. 8.    This is fart cat. 9.    This is busy cat. 10.   This is for cat. 11.   This is forty cat. 12.   This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on..........    ***** this is how to keep an old fart busy for forty seconds *******        

Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________

As you travel through life there are always those times When decisions just have to be made, When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce, And the rain seems to soak your parade. There are some situations where all you can do Is simply let go and move on, Gather your courage and choose a direction That carries you toward a new dawn. So pack up your troubles and take a step forward - The process of change can be tough, But think about all the excitement ahead If you can be stalwart enough! There might be adventures you never imagined Just waiting around the next bend, And wishes and dreams just about to come true In ways you can't yet comprehend! Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from new things As you challenge your status quo, And learn there are so many options in life, And so many ways you can grow! Perhaps you'll go places you never expected And see things that you've never seen, Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds And wonderful spots in between! Perhaps you'll find warmth and affection and caring And somebody special who's there To help you stay centered and listen with interest To stories and feelings you share. Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing your friends Are supportive of all that you do, And believe that whatever decisions you make, They'll be the right choices for you. So keep putting one foot in front of the other, And taking your life day by day... There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the road - Don't look back! You're not going that way! © Author Unknown

The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted "WHY?!?" ==============Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?" ============== As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin to really absorbed the lessons that will adhere to their psyche and become part of the foundation that their future lives will be built on. I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To be sure, we teach at very early ages that fire burns and knives cut. So I was sitting with my teenage daughter, listening to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles-per-hour, when I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson. "Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her hands in mine. "You're boring me with all this talk. How do you ever expect to find a husband and move out if you talk so  much?"    =============   In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone went below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction "Stow High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

     A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."  

THANKSGIVING: The Season in One Word! T for time to be together, turkey, talk, and tricky weather. H for harvest stored away, home, and hearth, and holiday. A for autumn’s frosty art, and abundance in the heart. N for neighbors, and November, nice things, new things to remember. K for kitchen, kettles’ croon, kith and kin expected soon. S for sizzles, sights, and sounds, and something special that abounds. That spells THANKS . . . for joy in living, and a jolly good Thanksgiving!!

The Thanksgiving Parrot  John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.  Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.   Not a peep was heard for over a minute.  Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.' John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued... . ........."May I inquire as to what the turkey did?' Humor Keeps Me Sane

No NURSING HOME FOR me!!! No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more could I ask for? So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.

> > > > > >   > > > > > >     >   > A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly > gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people > ahead of him in line > to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left > his desk at the > gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer > was, and greeted him > warmly. > > Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by > the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, > and into a > comfortable chair by his desk. > > The lawyer said, "I don't mind all > this attention, but what makes me so special?" > > St. Peter replied, > "Well, I've added up all the hours for which > you billed your clients, and > by my calculation you must be about 193 years > old!" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >