PUNNY: Did you hear that Mrs O'Leary's cow started the fire on purpose because it had heard that was the way to become "a toast of the town"? The pun, also called paronomasia, is a form of word play which suggests two or more meanings, by exploiting multiple meanings of words, or of similar-sounding words ... Pun of the Day I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
Happiness is a choice - independent of circumstances. The really great secret - Happiness is free. Joy is a choice - but it isn't an easy choice. Know that happiness is created by the act of expressing gratitude for all of life. The path to happiness is forgiveness of everyone and gratitude for everything. Gratitude is crucial to your happiness. Consistent happiness is found through living in a state of constant gratitude. Forgiving is not a gift to someone else. Forgiving is your gift to yourself - a great gift - the gift of happiness
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here!
You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
--- On Sat, 12/8/12, AWDEWD@aol.com <AWDEWD@aol.com> wrote: From: AWDEWD@aol.com <AWDEWD@aol.com> Subject: I Resign! To: Cc: LittleCSL@aol.com Date: Saturday, December 8, 2012, 11:38 AM I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. day. I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause…"Tag! You're it."
Be the Best of Whatever You Are If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill, be a scrub in the valley; but be the best little scrub by the side of the rill; be a bush if you can't be a tree. If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass, and some highway happier make; if you can't be a muskie then just be a bass. But the liveliest bass in the lake! We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew, there's something for all of us here, there's big work to do, and there's lesser to do, and the task you must do is the near. If you can't be a highway then just be a trail, if you can't be the sun be a star; it isn't by size that you win or you fail. Just be the best of whatever you are!
Investment Advice If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you damned proud to be an American!
I am sending this only to my smart friends. See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common! 1. Banana 2. Dresser 3. Grammar 4. Potato 5. Revive 6. Uneven 7. Assess Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try.... Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so good ..... No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters or 6 letters. Answer is below! Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.
A B C's of Christmas -author unknown A is for Angels With halos so bright Whose carols were heard On that first Christmas Night B is for Bells So merrily ringing Joy to the world Is the message they're bringing C is for Candles That so brightly shine To give a warm welcome To your friends and mine D is for Doorway With garlands of green To make Christmas merry As far as they're seen E is for Evergreens With fragrance so rare So plentiful at Christmas Their scent fills the air F is for Fun The whole season long >From trimming the tree To singing a song G is for Greetings A merry "hello" With a heart full of love For people we know H is for Holly With berries so red To make into wreaths To hang overhead I is for Ice On snow covered hills Where sledding is fun Along with the spills J is for Jesus The Christ child to dear We honor his birth On Christmas each year K is for Kris Kringle So merrily he stands He is who they call Santa In so many lands L is for Lanterns I am sure that their light Helped Mary and Joseph That first Christmas Night M is for Mary Her heart full of love For her little son Jesus Who came from above N is for Noel The angels did sing To herald the birth of Jesus, our king O is for Ornaments So shining and bright With lights on the tree To sparkle at night P is for Packages With ribbons so gay All 'round the tree For our Christmas Day Q is for Quiet Christmas Eve Night With snow covered hills Glistening so bright R is for Reindeer Who pull Santa's sleigh To your house, to my house They know the way S is for Shepherds Who first saw the star Over Bethlehem's manger And followed it far T is for Trees We decorate so gay Then wait for Ole' Santa To hurry our way U is for Universe Where Christmas brings joy To all in world To each girl and each boy V is for Visiting Friends near and far We travel by plane Or by bus, or by car W is for Wise Men Who brought gifts so rare And knelt down and worshiped The child they found there X is for X-mas Or Christmas by full name No matter the language It all means the same Y is for Yule Logs Who’s bright sparks fly high To give a warm welcome To friends passing by Z is for Zeal We show at this time In giving to others And loving mankind
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!! Kevin had Shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??' HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID...THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU...THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!! Kevin had Shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??' HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID...THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU...THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET
Life is always a matter of choice. Whatever the circumstances may be, you can choose the level at which you live. You can choose what to think about the various events that play out in front of your eyes. You can choose how to respond to the challenges and opportunities that come into your life. When you choose to consistently and persistently follow a particular purpose, you will manifest that purpose in the world around you. When you choose to focus your thoughts and efforts on things of meaningful value, you will create more value. In the next few hours, or in the next few moments, anything can happen. It may be what you planned or it may be a total surprise. Yet whatever may happen, you can choose what to do about it. Though you are subject to many powerful forces and influences, you can choose the way you deal with them. The life you live is a matter of choice. Choose wisely, and live richly Find a way, for it is there. Find a way, for you are here to find it. What appears impossible does in reality give birth to great opportunity. Find a way, and you discover the beautiful truth about yourself. Many can teach you and yet only you can truly be you. The most wonderful things that you can imagine are precisely what you are destined to bring to life. See that the challenges actually enable you. Understand that the obstacles form a foundation upon which achievement is built. Joy is yours for the living. Fulfillment is yours for the doing. This is the place and the time and the circumstance of the greatest gift you can give. Find a way, and bring each magnificent possibility to life.
I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!" My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her "world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true. Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?" she snorted...."Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let's go." "Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me twenty dollars. That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's. I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for. I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough; he didn't have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that. "Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes, ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas. That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it. Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa's helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going." I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby. Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were -- ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team. I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95. May you always have LOVE to share, HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care... And may you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.' 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.' "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.' 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently..."It's Rust!!" ================ Worried About the Old Widow Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy. ================ Q: Where does a judge eat lunch? A: At the food court. Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: They use honeycombs.
New Alphabet : A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now The Alphabet: A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention. H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L 's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.. > W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Yfor another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind! I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed! HAVE A GREAT DAY ! Have a wonderful Day
Oh yes, my body is growing old But my mind I try to keep young I have much I want to do And many songs to be sung. So many roads I need to travel With lots of love to express Many friends I want to visit That are lonely and in distress. I pray God will help me do what I can To brighten their day Spreading His word all around As I pass along the way. This world has been good to me God is the reason, you see For a little while longer I can hold Oh yes, I am too busy to grow old.
A few chuckles and some cute kids Why we love children... NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..' KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle. MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' POLICE #2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do? ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.' DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT
(I took the liberty of checking the appropriate items) Important document for your estate planning. LIVING WILL FORM I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If after a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Check appropriate items) __x__a Crown Drink____x__a Martini ___x___a Margarita___x___a Bloody Mary or a beer ___x____a Glass of Chardonnay ___x___a Steak ____x__Lobster or crab legs ___x___the TV remote control __x____a bowl of ice cream ____x__the sports page ___x___ Sex Or____x__Chocolate ... It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come and do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had. Signature:__________________________ Date: _________________ *P. S.: I hear that in Ireland there is a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on.
Dear God: Please unite the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life. Remove the nots, the can nots and the do nots that I have in my mind. Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find a home in my heart. Release me from the could nots, would nots and should nots that obstruct my life. And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart and my life all the 'am nots' that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough. Amen. Author Unknown
Oh yes, my body is growing old But my mind I try to keep young I have much I want to do And many songs to be sung. So many roads I need to travel With lots of love to express Many friends I want to visit That are lonely and in distress. I pray God will help me do what I can To brighten their day Spreading His word all around As I pass along the way. This world has been good to me God is the reason, you see For a little while longer I can hold Oh yes, I am too busy to grow old.