Dorothy and Edith, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edith: "No, no, no...I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Miss Beatrice,The church organist,was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastorcame to call on her and she showed him into her quaintsitting room.   She invited him to have aseat while she prepared tea...As he sat facing her old Hammond organ; the youngminister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled with water,and in the water floated. Of allthings, a condom! When she returnedwith tea and scones, theybegan to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosityAbout the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.   'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn’t it wonderful? I was walkingthrough the park a fewmonths ago and I foundthis little package on the ground.The directions saidto place it on the organ,Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?

Every time you act kindly, the world has more kindness. Every time you are compassionate, the world has more compassion. Every time you smile to someone, the world is a more cheerful place. Every time you help transform someone's worry into serenity, the world is a more serene place. Every time you calm someone who is angry, the world is a more pleasant place.   Every time you give money to charity, the world is a more charitable place. Every time you encourage someone to do something for others, you are creating a partner to make a better world. Some people spend way too much time complaining about the awful state the world is in. There is too much aggression and violence. There is too little kindness and compassion. There is too much anger and depression and too little serenity and joy. If someone complains and complains, the world is still full of whatever it is the person is complaining about and now more complaining has been added. Conversely, if someone spreads compassion and kindness, the world improves. The ripple effect can spread these positive qualities. A little positive action is more beneficial than a mountain full of complaints. Every time you visit someone who is ill, you are making the world a kinder place to live in. Every time you comfort a mourner, you are making the world a kinder place to live in. Every time you judge someone favorably, you are making the world a kinder place to live in. Every time you lend one of your possessions to someone, you are making the world a kinder place to live in. Every time you help a stranger find his way, you are making the world a kinder place to live in. What comes out from all of this is that there is no such thing as an insignificant kind act. Because every time you do an act of kindness you are elevating the world we live in.

  THE PURR-FECT CREATIONS! When God created kitty cats, He had no recipe; He knew He wanted something sweet, As sweet as sweet could be. He started out with sugar, Adding just a trace of spice; Then stirred in drops of morning dew, To keep them fresh and nice. He thought cats should be soft to pet, Thus he gave them coats of fur; So they could show they were content, He taught them how to purr. He made for them long tails to wave, While strutting down the walk; Then trained them in meow-ology, So they could do cat-talk. He made them into acrobats, And gave them grace and poise; Their wide-eyed curiosity, He took from little boys. He put whiskers on their faces, Gave them tiny ears for caps; Then shaped their little bodies, To snugly fit on laps. He gave them eyes as big as saucers, To look into man's soul; Then set a tolerance for mankind, As their purpose and their goal. Benevolent ... and ... Generous, He made so many of them; Then charged, with fatherly concern, The human race to love them. When one jumped up upon His lap, God gently stroked its head; The cat gave Him a kitty kiss, "What wondrous love," God said. God smiled at His accomplishment, So pleased with His creation; And said, with pride, as He sat back, "At last. . .I've reached purr-fection!"

  To laugh is to risk appearing a fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out for another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk revealing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd ...Is to risk rejection. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk disappointment. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard In life is to risk nothing. Those who risk nothing, do nothing, have nothing, And become nothing. They may avoid present suffering and sorrow, but they Will not learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live. Chained by their fear, they are slaves who have forfeited Their freedom. Only a person who risks is free. The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; And the realist adjusts the sails. ~ William Arthur Ward ~

 A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As  she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.  The sign says:  "SEX FROGS'' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.    The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She  whispers softly to Pete the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'  As Pete packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the  instructions!'  The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.    As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the  instructions and reads them very carefully    She does EXACTLY what is specified:    1. Take a shower.  2. Splash on some nice perfume.  3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the  frog to do what he has been trained to do.    She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . .  NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at  this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of  the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call  the pet store.'    So, she calls the pet store. Pete says, 'I'll be right over.' Within  minutes, Pete is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and  says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The  damn frog just SITS there!'    Pete . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly  into its eyes' and STERNLY says:    'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME... '

----- Forwarded Message ---- From: "AWDEWD@aol.com" <AWDEWD@aol.com> Sent: Tue, January 15, 2013 9:45:04 AM Subject: OHOH    Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.   His wife was standing there watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.   Maybe you should sell your golf clubs." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"   ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"   ”I wasn't!“

Friends ... They love you, But they're not your lover. They care for you, But they're not from your family. They're ready to share your pain, But they're not your blood relation. They are ... FRIENDS! A True friend... Scolds like a DAD... Cares like a MOM... Teases like a SISTER... Irritates like a BROTHER... And finally loves you more than a LOVER. The nicest place to be is in someone'sTHOUGHTS! The safest place to be is in someone'sPRAYERS! And the best place to be is in GODS HANDS!

Subject: Here I Am     Well, here I am in the twilight of my life wondering exactly where the years went. How I could have possiblylived this long, and how was all that time spent?   Yes, even though twilight is here, I’ve never thought much about being old. Nor that I would get here so quickly, while living those youthful days of gold.   It doesn’t seem that long ago when life was all roses with no cares. Well, actually there were some valleys, between the mountaintops of those years.   But through it all, God was by my side...whether valleys or mountain tops...His angels were watching over me with a care that never stops!   So far, twilight isn't so bad...with my health and memories intact, each day can be a new adventure, just waiting for me to see that fact!

“Admit your mistake! It’s your most empowering choice.” We all make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. What matters is what you do afterward. You have a choice. You can let your mistake torment you, embarrass you, and hold you back. Or, you can admit you made a mistake, learn from it, and move on. Mistakes are lessons in disguise. You can learn something from each and every one. Next time you make a mistake, act quickly and decisively. Take responsibility and look for the lesson. Use the lesson to reach greater success and good fortune in your life. Learn from your mistakes. Only then can they empower you to greater heights.  ©Jane Powell

  Little Things It's just the little homely things, The unobtrusive, friendly things, The "won't-you-let-me-help-you" things That make our pathway light- And it's just the jolly, joking things, The "never-mind-the-trouble" things, The "laugh-with-me, it's funny" things That make the world seem bright. For all the countless famous things, The wondrous, record-breaking things, Those "never-can-be-equaled" things That all the papers cite, Aren't like the little human things, The everyday-encountered things, Those "just-because-I-like-you" things That make us happy quite. So here's to all the simple things, The dear "all-in-a-day's-work" things The "smile-and-face-your-troubles" things, Trust God to put them right! The "done-and-then-forgotten" things, The "can't-you-see-I-love-you things, The hearty "I-am-with-you" things That make life worth the fight. unknown Have a GREAT day!  

----- Forwarded Message ---- From: "AWDEWD@aol.com" <AWDEWD@aol.com> Sent: Sun, January 6, 2013 3:43:08 PM Subject: Humor Quotes From Great Minds As you get older three things happen.The first is your memory goes,and I can't remember the other two. - Norman Wisdom One of the most difficult things in the world Is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. Edgar Watson Howe * A true friend is one who overlooks your failures And tolerates your success! Doug Larson * A harmful truth is always better than a useful lie! Eric Bolton * We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.*" Phyllis Diller * Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Victor Borge * Start every day with a smile and get it over with. W.C. Fields * Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. *Will Rogers * Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney * Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. Erica Jong * Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard * Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Wendell Johnson

----- Forwarded Message ---- From: "AWDEWD@aol.com" <AWDEWD@aol.com> Sent: Sun, December 9, 2012 9:27:53 AM Subject: HOLY E-MAIL One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on... So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time. When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion. So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time. When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...' God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Believe in your heart that something wonderful is about to happen. Love your life. Believe in your own power, and in your own potential, and your own innate goodness. Wake every morning with the awe of just being alive. Discover each day the magnificent, awesome beauty in the world. Explore and embrace life in yourself and in everyone you see each day. Reach within to find your own special-ness. Amaze yourself and rouse those around you to the potential of each new day. Don't be afraid to admit you're less than perfect; this is the essence of our humanity. Let those who love you help you; Trust enough to be able to take. Look with hope to the horizon of today, for today is all we truly have. Live this day well. Let a little sun out as well as in. Create your own rainbows. Be open to all your possibilities, and all miracles. Always believe in miracles. Written By: © Author Unknown

His name was Ole, he was from North Dakota ... And he wanted a loan.           So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from ND for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of North Dakota, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston , ND . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?" His name was Ole... . Keep an eye on these ND boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

It is a small world after-all, We turn on web, and it gets small Just like that we are in touch, With those we care for oh so much! Its so funny, some time ago So many of U I did not know, then I got the Internet...Wow the people I have met! Some pass by with a quick hello, Others stay and friendships grow. I believe the Lord above, Knows the ones we'll grow to love! It is to U I write today. The ones I look for every day, The ones that brighten up my way! Some of U will send a smile And then a hug comes in a while I love it when that light comes on especially when I'm all alone. Thank you cyber friends of mine For being so sweet and being kind. You see it is true the world is small, FOR I MET U AFTER-ALL.

>Calmness and Inner Peace >We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. >Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish >all the things you have started and have never finished." > >So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't >finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of >White Zinfandel, 2 bottles of beer, > >a package of Oreos, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of >chocolates, >and a half bottle of rum.  > >You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. >Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. > > >

    ~Helen Steiner Rice~ Wrote: God grant us this year a wider view, so we see others' faults through the eyes of You. Teach us to judge not with hasty tongue, Neither the adult ... nor the young. Give us patience and grace to endure and a stronger faith so we feel secure. Instead of remembering, help us forget the irritations that caused us to fret. Freely forgiving for some offense and finding each day a rich recompense. In offering a friendly, helping hand and trying in all ways to understand. That all of us whoever we are, are trying to reach an unreachable star. For the great and small ... the good and bad, The young and old ... the sad and glad. Are asking today, is life worth living? The answer is only in loving and giving. For only Love can make man kind and Kindness of Heart brings Peace of Mind. By giving love we can start this year To lift the clouds of hate and fear.

When I am overwhelmed and start to feel undone, I remember that there is power in just One: One spark can build a fire One hand can lift me higher One bird can bring a song One word can right a wrong One star can lead the way One call can make my day One candle lights a room One smile can chase the gloom One heart can reach another and help a sister or a brother!

----- Forwarded Message ---- From: doris sumner <dyamitewoman@yahoo.com> To: Luvstoplaypiano <luvstoplaypiano@aol.com>; James Smith <BIGMARION34491@YAHOO.COM>; Billy Hodges <BillyG37@Bellsouth.net>; Edna <Edna9484@SBCglobal.net>; Peggy Greer <peg0myheart@yahoo.com>; julia mcrae <Juliamcrae@aol.com>; lorae smith <smith.lorae@yahoo.com>; detective detective <detective@kencable.net>; Jim Harbaugh <jimh852@hotmail.com> Sent: Wed, January 2, 2013 11:25:46 AM Subject: Fw: The Indian With One Testicle     The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Birddied from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Birdreturned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlueBird'scousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but YellowBirdwouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on... take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows... You can't kill TwoBirds withOneStone!!!