My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.   He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.   "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him . He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

       Great advice for the New Year.  Wishing you all the best in 2013!   HOW TO STAY YOUNG   1.  Try everything twice: On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried Everything twice. Loved it both times!" 2.  Keep only cheerful friends: The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)  (Ouch!  I try not to be!) 3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever... Never let the brain get idle.  'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's! 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.  And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM or HER. 6. The tears happen:  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  LIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love:  whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..  Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health:   If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips:  Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.  I love you, my special friend! 11. Forgive now those who made you cry.  You might not get a second chance..   And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?  But do share this with someone.   Remember! Lost time can never be found.   Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.   Wine does not make you FAT .... It makes you LEAN .... (against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)   "Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point." Billy  Graham  

    Subject: RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE       RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE   As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a darn. It's the tortoise life for me!   1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

  LITTLE SMARTY PANTS............LOL > > > > > >Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting >outside the Operating Room. >The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' >The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little >nervous.' > >The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I >was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you > >lots of jello and ice cream. >It's a breeze.' >The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for? >The first kid says, 'A circumcision.' >And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! >I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year. > > > >

It doesn't hurt to have a little Biblical humor to start the day. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David.He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.’ He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered...'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.  I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,  'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!   Why did you do that?' 'Because I don't want any of those women sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called,  'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'   Humor Keeps Me Sane

________________________________ BRAN FLAKES >Mick and Jean were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though >they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched >their pennies. > > > >Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Mary's >insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. > >One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday >vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. > > >They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them >to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked >kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their >favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, >'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' > > > >Mick asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter >replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' >Mick looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, >finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. >'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mick. >'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' > > >Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. >'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mick. This is Heaven, it is all free for you > >to enjoy.' > > >Mick looked around and nervously asked Jean, 'Well, where are the low fat and >low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' > > >'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you > >like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' > >'No gym to work out at?' said Mick >'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. >'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' >'Never again' > >Mick glared at Jean and said, >'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

   The first time my father and I ever went fishing became a family legend. We spent hours waiting for a nibble. The sun was blistering, and this was back in the days before sunscreen. We were hot, sticky and mad that the fish refused to suck up our night crawlers. Being only seven years old, I observed that perhaps the worms were the problem. Maybe the night crawlers only wriggled at night, and now they were just lying there limp on the hook. Dad ignored my assessment of the situation. We began to pack up to leave. As we headed back to our truck, we heard tires spinning in the distance. Getting into our truck was a grim affair. Having sat in the boiling sun for six hours, the seats were blistering. Naturally, I was wearing shorts. I shifted from side to side in the seat so as not to cook my backside. While driving out we saw a truck with a boat trailer and boat that was stuck in the mud. That explained the sound of spinning tires we'd heard. Being a nice guy, my dad helped pull the man from the mud. In return, this fellow gave Dad some fish for being a Good Samaritan. As Dad climbed back into our truck with a brown bag full of fish, we waved good-bye to our newfound friend. On the drive home, we agreed to take in the fish as if we had caught them. We were sure there was no way for Mom to know the difference. It was just a little white lie. We arrived home hot, sweaty and smelly and went to clean up while Mom prepared the fish. We made a big deal out of the fact that we had already cleaned them and put them in the bag so as not to make a mess. After showering, Dad and I met in the hall and exchanged conspiratorial grins. Sitting down to freshly fried catfish, hush puppies and coleslaw, we dug in heartily. In the spirit of embellishment, we both went on about how good something tasted that we had actually caught ourselves. Mother looked suitably impressed. As we got up to do the dishes, Mom cleared her throat. "I just have one question of you two great fishermen," she said. We looked at her expectantly, thinking we had another opportunity to regale her with our great fishing ability. With a tiny smile, Mom asked, "How was it again that you two managed to not only clean your fish, but also freeze them before you got home?"

 The World We Make We make the world in which we live By what we gather and what we give, By our daily deeds and the things we say, By what we keep or we cast away. We make our world by the beauty we see In a skylark's song or lilac tree, In a butterfly's wing, in the pale moons' rise, And the wonder that lingers in midnight skies. We make our world by the life we lead, By the friends we have, by the books we read, By the pity we show in the hour of care, By the loads we lift and the love we share. We make our world by the goals we pursue, By the heights we seek and the higher view, By hopes and dreams that reach the sun And a will to fight till the heights are won. What is the place in which we dwell, A hut or a palace, a heaven or hell We gather and scatter, we take and we give, We make our world--and there we live. A.G. Walton

Family is there for you in a jiffy. Inquires about why you are looking bad or spiffy. They Loves you unconditionally. And typically gives you advice. They will defend you in a heartbeat. And tell you what to do about your stinky feet. They may get on your nerves at times. And even makes you laugh at stupid jokes sometimes. With family you share a history. The bonds you share are no mystery. I promise I'll be there when you need me. Because that is how family should be.We all go our separate ways and have our own lives, but will forever be connected in our family circle.

  > >Don't wash your hair in the shower! >>> >>>> >>>>It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! >>>>  >>>>It pertains to the shampoo that runs down your body when you shampoo in the >>>>shower. >>>>WARNING TO US ALL!!! >>>>Shampoo Warning! >>>>I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! >>>>I use shampoo in the shower! >>>>When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very >>>>clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, >>>>"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." >>>>  >>>>No wonder I have been gaining weight! >>>>Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering >>>>with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads, >>>>"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." >>>> >>>> >>>>  >>> >>> >>> >>>

  1  Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!   2  Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.   3  Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.   4  Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.   5  If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.   6  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.   7  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.   8  Never buy a car you can't push. 9   Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 10  Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance. 11  Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 12  The second mouse gets the cheese. 13  When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 14  Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 16  Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 17  We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.       Some have weird names; and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 18  A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 19  Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today. 20  Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY Today someone asked me if I liked you.  I laughed, and I said, "Ha! That's  funny!  I absolutely L O V E  that woman!! She's funny, caring, crazy as heck, sweet, beautiful, she's reading this email right now & I love her!!"   Send this to ten ladies you love… the more the better!!   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

  ________________________________ No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 2013.0.2805 / Virus Database: 2637/6021 - Release Date: 01/09/13 > >The Winter Boots > > >  >(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) >Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her >pre-school class pupils put on his boots? > >He asked for help and she could see why. > >Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots >still didn't want to go on. > >By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. > >She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Miss Smiff, >they're on the wrong feet.' > >She looked, and sure enough, they were. > >It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was >putting them on. > >She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, >this time on the correct feet. > >He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' > >She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and >scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to. > >Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting >boots off his little feet. > >No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, >'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em..' > >Now she didn't know if she should laugh, cry, or scream. > >But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on >his feet again. > >Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your >gloves?' > >He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' > >She will be eligible for parole in three years. >  >  > > >

      >>>>> WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: >>>>>  >>>>>  >>>>>Men Are Just Happier People -- >>>>>What do you expect from such simple creatures? >>>>>Your last name stays put. >>>>>The garage is all yours. >>>>>Wedding plans take care of themselves. >>>>>Chocolate is just another snack. >>>>>You can be President. >>>>>You can never be pregnant. >>>>>You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. >>>>>You can wear NO shirt to a water park. >>>>>Car mechanics tell you the truth. >>>>>The world is your urinal. >>>>>You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just >>>>> >>>>>too icky. >>>>>You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. >>>>>Same work, more pay. >>>>>Wrinkles add character. >>>>>Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. >>>>>People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. >>>>>New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.   >>>>>One mood all the  time.   >>>>>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. >>>>>You know stuff about tanks. >>>>>A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. >>>>>You can open all your own  jars. >>>>>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. >>>>>If someone forgets to invite you, >>>>>He or she can still be your friend.   >>>>>Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack. >>>>>Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. >>>>>You almost never have strap problems in public. >>>>>You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. >>>>>Everything on your face stays its original color. >>>>>The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. >>>>>You only have to shave your face and neck.   >>>>>You can play with toys all your life. >>>>>One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. >>>>>You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. >>>>>You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. >>>>>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.   >>>>>You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives >>>>>On December 24 in 25 minutes. >>>>>No wonder men are happier.  

________________________________ From: Rebecca Clemmer <rbclemmer@bellsouth.net> Sent: Thu, September 27, 2012 10:45:20 PM Subject: MY GARMIN MY GARMIN I have a little Garmin  It sits there in my car  A Garmin is a driver's friend  It tells you where you are ...... I have a little Garmin I've had it all my life  It's better than the normal ones  My Garmin is my wife  It gives me full instructions  Especially how to drive  "It's thirty miles an hour", it says  "You're doing thirty five"  It tells me when to stop and start  And when to use the brake  And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake.  It tells me when a light is red  And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively  Just when to intervene.  It lists the vehicles just in front  And all those to the rear  And taking this into account  It specifies my gear.  I'm sure no other driver  Has so helpful a device  For when we leave and lock the car  It still gives its advice.  It fills me up with counseling  Each journey's pretty fraught  So why don't I exchange it  And get a quieter sort?  Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,  Makes sure I'm properly fed,  It washes all my shirts and things  And - keeps me warm in bed!  Despite all these advantages  And my tendency to scoff,  I do wish that once in a while I could turn the darned thing off! Humor Keeps Me Sane

An IRS agent knocked on the door of the county's most prosperous textile manufacturer who was behind in his tax payments. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton." The next day the agent tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," the woman said. "I'm afraid Fred has again gone for cotton." When he returned the third day he offered a statement instead of a question. "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?" "No," the woman answered. She wiped a tear from her eye. "Fred died yesterday." Suspecting he was being avoided, the tax collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself as a way of confirming that Fred had died. Sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone with the following inscription: "Gone, But Not For Cotton."

Confide in a friend When you're tired and worn at the close of day And things just don't seem to be going your way, When even your patience has come to an end, Try taking time out and confide in a friend.  Perhaps he or she, too, may have walked the same road With a much troubled heart and burdensome load, To find peace and comfort somewhere near the end, When he stopped long enough to confide in a friend.  For then are most welcome a few words of cheer, For someone who willingly lends you an ear, No troubles exist that God cannot mend, But to get quick relief, just confide in a friend. ~Author Unknown~

> > > > > > > > > > > > >--- > > >  >>  >>  >>  >>Getting Old !!!   >>  >>  >>  >>Two Elderly Gentlemen >>from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to > >>the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and >>pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' >> >>Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' >> >>'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' >> >>'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' >> >> >>Hospital Regulations >>require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as > >>a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on >>the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave >> >>the hospital. >> >>After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the >>elevator. >> >>On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. >> >>'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of >>her hospital gown.' x>>

----- Forwarded Message ---- From: "Rudikazoote@aol.com" <Rudikazoote@aol.com> To: rvrside50@hotmail.com Sent: Sat, December 8, 2012 7:51:47 PM Subject: Penquins Subject: PENGUINS ISN'T SCIENCE FASCINATING >>>> >>>>>>>Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguinson the ice in Antarctica > >>? >>>>>>>Where dothey go? >>>>>>> >>>>>>>Wonder no more ! ! ! >>>>>>>It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an >>> >>>>>>>extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committedto its family >>>> >>>>>>>and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with >>>>>>> >>>>>>>its offspring throughout its life. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>>If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and >>>>> >>>>>>>social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial >>> >>>>>>>wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled >>>> >>>>>>>into, and buried. >>>>>>> >>>>>>>The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>"Freeze a jolly good fellow." >>>>>"Freeze a jolly good fellow." >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>You reallydidn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? >>>>> >>>>>It's so easy to fool OLDpeople. >>>>> >>>>>I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.