To Be 6 Again! A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you stupid idiot!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
NOMINATED FOR --- BEST E MAIL OF THE YEAR After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got this right. 'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. 'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. 'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. 'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. 'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me...... I CAN'T PRAY? No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com/ Version: 2013.0.2890 / Virus Database: 2639/6049 - Release Date: 01/21/13--Forwarded Message Attachment-- Date: Tue, 29 Jan 2013 08:04:53 -0800 From: owj8132@sbcglobal.net Subject: Fwd: One of the best emails of the year To: jdbock75@wiaw.net <: < NOMINATED FOR --- BEST E MAIL OF THE YEAR After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got this right. 'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. 'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. 'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. 'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. 'You want me to do all this, and then you tell me...... I CAN'T PRAY? No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com/ Version: 2013.0.2890 / Virus Database: 2639/6049 - Release Date: 01/21/13
After you have read the following story, most of you will have one question in your mind, and the answer is “Yes, I place myself in danger of physical injury on a regular basis........” A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
My Travel Plans for 2013 I'm already preparing my holiday list and travel plans for this year. I have been in many places in my life, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I've heard no one knows you’re there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there in the past, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump to get there, and I'm not much good at physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I get older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimulus I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. Now you can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one unstable person like I've just done. Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love often and forgive quickly!
Thought for Today - The nicest place to be is in someone's thoughts. The safest place to be is in someone's prayers. And the very best place to be is in the hands of God.
Subject: Fw: IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD #yiv5941508 DIV { MARGIN:0px;} IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1) You can't count your hair. 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you idiot. Ten (10) Things I know about you. 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many." Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk
A Cat's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule - To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled by CATS! ~ Author Unknown ~
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The Deaf Wife Problem Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' . . . . . (I just love this) . . For Crying Out Loud Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
#yiv1710728306 .yiv1710728306hmmessage P { PADDING-BOTTOM:0px;MARGIN:0px;PADDING-LEFT:0px;PADDING-RIGHT:0px;PADDING-TOP:0px;} #yiv1710728306 BODY.yiv1710728306hmmessage { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma;FONT-SIZE:10pt;} THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. - Frederick Koenig You never really appreciate a thing until you have to give it up. - John Rhodes Sturdy Time and health are two precious assets that we don't recognize and appreciate until they have been depleted. - Denis Waitley We are all different - and we are all one. Take time to understand, and to appreciate. With gratitude, all life appears as a blessing -without gratitude, all of life is perceived as a burden. - J. L, Huie
Just something funny to read. 1) It’s better to be crazy & know it than being sane & doubt it. 2) I’m lost. I've gone out to find me. If I come back before I return, please ask me to wait. 3) I live in my own little world!!! But that's okay, cause they know me there. 4) No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk... 5) Daydreaming is way better than school! 6) Education is the progressive relation of our ignorance. 7) Insanity: A perfectly normal change to a normal mind. 8) The voices in my head are snoring. 9) Me? Psychotic? What gave you that idea? 10) I’m not crazy! It's the rest of you that are freaks! 11) You say I'm psycho like it's a bad thing! 12) Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups, parties, nations, & epochs... it is the rule!!! 13) Only two things are infinite: the universe, & human stupidity... 14) My fist & your teeth have an appointment... 15) If nobody is perfect then hi, my name is Nobody. 16) Caution: Professionals at work 17) I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. 18) Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!!! 19) Lifting weights are fun!!! Use your siblings to your advantage. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Mixed Messages Minnesota Helpful Husband Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now." =
Subject: TRAVEL PLANS 2013! My Travel Plans for 2013 I'm already preparing my holiday list and travel plans for this year. I have been in many places in my life, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I've heard no one knows you’re there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there in the past, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump to get there, and I'm not much good at physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I get older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimulus I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. Now you can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one unstable person like I've just done. Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love often and forgive quickly!
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1)You can't count your hair. 2)You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. (This was just a test!) Ten (10) Things I know about you. 1) You are reading this. 2) You are human. 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. 4) You just attempted to do it. 6) You are laughing at yourself. 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. 8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing "It's a Beautiful Morning" even when it's not. "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. It's not aging, it's the door! Thank goodness for studies like this.
X Anything is possible if we stand united...on our knees HOLY HUMOR During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store. GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know." UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. BEING THANKFUL A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!" SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." THE BIBLE Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward this email to others, the devil will discourage you but forward it anyway. ____________________________________________________________ #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass .yiv626166145ecxshape {} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass p.yiv626166145ecxMsoNormal, #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass li.yiv626166145ecxMsoNormal, #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass div.yiv626166145ecxMsoNormal {font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman", "serif";} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass a:link, #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass span.yiv626166145ecxMsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass a:visited, #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass span.yiv626166145ecxMsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:purple;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass p {font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman", "serif";} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass p.yiv626166145ecxMsoAcetate, #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass li.yiv626166145ecxMsoAcetate, #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass div.yiv626166145ecxMsoAcetate {font-size:8.0pt;font-family:"Tahoma", "sans-serif";} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass span.yiv626166145ecxBalloonTextChar {font-family:"Tahoma", "sans-serif";} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass span.yiv626166145ecxEmailStyle20 {font-family:"Calibri", "sans-serif";color:#1F497D;} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass .yiv626166145ecxMsoChpDefault {font-size:10.0pt;} _filtered #yiv626166145 {} #yiv626166145 .yiv626166145ExternalClass div.yiv626166145ecxWordSection1 {}
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!" Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
Everyone: Dictionary explanation & enlightenment. I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies: Internal Revenue 'Service' US Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' Federal, State, City, & public 'Service' Customer 'Service' This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us. You are now as enlightened as I.
Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today. Grow a milk mustache. Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself. Have a staring contest with your cat. Kiss a frog just in case. Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no." Ask "Why?" a lot. Believe in fairy tales. Have someone read you a story. Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match. Do a cartwheel. Hide your vegetables under your napkin. Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake. Sit really still for as long as the dog (or cat) is asleep in your lap. Find some pretty stones and save them. Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow. Walk barefoot in wet grass. Giggle at nude statues in a museum. Make cool screeching noises every time you turn. Count the colors in a rainbow. Fuss a little, then take a nap. Take a running jump over a big puddle. Giggle a lot for no real reason. Do that tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while-you-stand-on- their-opposite-side-and-they-turn-around-and-no-one's- there thing. Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar. (Forget you've heard of calories!) Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise. Squish some mud between your toes. Buy yourself a helium balloon. Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people. Be a kid again.