Subject: Fwd: Fw: Break Out Your $2 Bills >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>>> >>>>IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT! >>>> >>>>Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I'm STILL laughing!! >>>> >>>>I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. >>>> >>>>The younger generation doesn't even know they exist! >>>> >>>>STORY: On my way home the other night, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick >>>>bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can >>>>get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying >>>>to break a $50 bill. >>>> >>>>Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.' >>>> >>>>Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?' >>>> >>>>Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 >>>>bill. >>>>He looks at it kind of funny. >>>> >>>>Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.' >>>> >>>>He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following >>>>conversation occurs between the two of them: >>>> >>>>Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?' >>>>Manager: 'No. A what?' >>>>Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...' >>>> >>>>Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.' >>>>Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' >>>> >>>>He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything >>else?' >>>> >>>>Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why? >>>>Server: 'I don't know.' >>>>Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?' >>>>Server: 'Yeah.' >>>>Me: 'So, why won't you take it?' >>>> >>>>Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.' >>>> >>>>He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and >>>>says to him, 'He says I have to take it.' >>>> >>>>Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?' >>>> >>>>Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change. >>>>Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.' >>>>Server: 'What should I do?' >>>>Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.' >>>> >>>>Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.' >>>>Manager: 'Just tell him.' >>>>Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back. >>>> >>>>The manager approaches me and says, >>>>'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.' >>>> >>>>Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.' >>>>Manager: 'We don't take those, either.' >>>>Me: 'Why not?' >>>>Manager: 'I think you know why.' >>>>Me: 'No really, tell me why.' >>>> >>>>Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.' >>>>Me: 'Excuse me?' >>>>Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.' >>>>Me: 'What on earth for?' >>>>Manager: 'Please, sir..' >>>> >>>>Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.' >>>>Manager: 'Would you please just leave?' >>>>Me: 'No.' >>>>Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.' >>>>Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?' >>>> >>>>At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around >>>>the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, >>>>and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. >>>> >>>>A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in. >>>> >>>>Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?' >>>>Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny >>money.' >>>>Guard: 'No kidding! What?' >>>>Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.' >>>> >>>>Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?' >>>>Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he >>>>has is a fifty.' >>>>Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!' >>>>Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.' >>>> >>>>Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?' >>>>Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?' >>>>Guard: 'Yeah.' >>>> >>>>Security Guard walks over to me and...... >>>>Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.' >>>> >>>>Me: 'Uh, no.' >>>>Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.' >>>>Me: 'Why?' >>>>Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?' >>>> >>>>At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, >>>>'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. >>>> >>>>I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at >>>him. >>>>He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, >>>>'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?' >>>> >>>>Manager: 'It's fake.' >>>>Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.' >>>>Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.' >>>>Guard: 'Yeah? ' >>>>Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?' >>>> >>>>The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns >>>>on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. >>>> >>>>So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink >>>>and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. >>>> >>>>Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what >>>>happens when I try to buy stuff. >>>>  >>>>  >>>>  >>>>  >>>>  >>>>  >> >> >> >> >=

>>>> >>>>I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at >>>> >>>>the bar. >>>> >>>>Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you >>>> >>>>three lassies from Scotland?" >>>> >>>>One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" >>>> >>>>So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from >>>>Scotland?" >>>> >>>>And that's the last thing I remember. >>>>  >>>  >>>  >>> >>> >>>----- End forwarded message ----- >>> >>> >>>  >>>***CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE*** This e-mail is intended for the sole use of the >>>individual(s) to whom it is addressed, and may contain information that is >>>privileged, confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. You >>>are hereby notified that any dissemination, duplication, or distribution of this >>> >>>transmission by someone other than the intended addressee or its designated >>>agent is strictly prohibited. If you receive this e-mail in error, please notify >>> >>>me immediately by replying to this e-mail. >>> >

FOR THE BIRDS Oh, Pablo Picasso, please tell me if you can, What is this monstrosity you gave your fellow man? I looked at it the other day A nightmarish thing it is. I expected it to bare its teeth to snarl or growl or hiss. Wish that I dare dig a hole I'd begin this very minute. As soon as it were big enough I'd push the darn thing in it. But there it stands I truly hope It will give our town a boost For having the one-and-only Pablo Picasso Pigeon Roost! .......author unknown

SINK OR SWI Once there was a gray-haired girl or lady, I should say, Who felt she ought to go to school to learn, to work and play. "Go take some classes," friends advised. "But don't go near the gym." Of course she didn't listen, She simply HAD to swim! And so she poured her poundage in a slinky nylon suit, and stood there with the best of them (though they were young and cute). When Mr. Mueller said, "Now dive, and swim a length, don't fear." She laughed and said, "If I could swim, I don't think I'd be here." But all those young things plunged right in and swam and swam like fish. The gray-haired lady jumped in too. To swim was just a wish. But Mr. Mueller said, "Now swim.  You're really just afraid. Once you're under water Your fears will quickly fade." She sputtered to the surface, though with failure in her eye. To hear, "I know that you can do it, You simply have to try." And Mr. Kane said, "Smile, it's easy when you smile." So now as she goes floating down She's smiling all the while. And hoping she'll come up again and ne'er have cause to rue it, 'Cause Mr. Kane would feel so bad. He thought she could do it! And so the long semester passes and many times she sank. She even gained some extra weight from the water that she drank. Now stiffened muscles, aching joints are payment for that whim. But Messieurs Kane and Mueller still insist that she can swim! The moral of this story is very plain to see,though swimming may be sport for some-- it's NOT HER cup of tea! ......Audrey Taffs

GRANDMAS Grandmas are people who always have gum, or cookies or candy whenever you come. They always have something to play with that's fun, And a box full of toys for the littlest one. They're glad to read stories whenever you wish. They don't even scold when you break their best dish. They make little dresses and sun suits and shirts, They're there when you need them to kiss where it hurts. They buy ice cream cones whenever you're good They'd give you the moon and the stars if they could. They'll let you dress up in their best dress and hat/ In a pinch they'll take turns with a baseball and bat. Some grandmas have black hair and others have gray, but still, the world over, they're all the same way. The love every child and, in case you don't know, grandmas are people who never say "No." author unknown

Grandpas are people who shave every day,They're beautiful on the outside, inside and in every way. They have tools you can borrow You'll use them just until tomorrow. Two weeks go by, and the tools don't appear. Grandpas say, "Like Houdini, they just disappear." One thing always on the docket is candy in the vest pocket. And so you won't be the only one to eat, they'll join you in the treat. To Grandma he's always around. To son he has two feet on the ground. To daughter, he's always in high key. To grandchildren, he's a celebrity. author unknown

GRANDCHILDREN My heart is happy when you arrive, A greater joy you could not derive, Grandchildren, what an honor to behold-- None greater on earth, I'm told. It's true, life passes with barely a glance, When suddenly, you're given grandchildren And another chance To live again, to love again, To watch a new life grow and grow. Life isn't easy, but somehow when they arrive I always find it a little easier to survive. Their warm tenderness as I hold them near Makes all past hardships disappear. A loving Thank You, God and family, for my grandchildren. They add love and happiness to your life once again. ....Midge Zielinski in the Keen Ager News

Johnny's Heart Little Johnny started school looked forward to the day when he would meet new friends and join them in their play. The teachers seated all of them, said, "Stand and face the way we'll pledge allegiance to the flag-- that's how we start our day." "Place your right hand on your heart, repeat right after me, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag." Saw Johnny didn't agree. His hand was across his buttock not hidden, in plain view. The teacher said, "Now Johnny Put your hand on your heart , too." "It's on my heart," said Johnny. The teacher didn't agree.  "Do you think your heart is there?  Now you just  answer me." The teacher was befuddled. Johnny looked her in the eye, "My Grandma really loves me, I know she wouldn't lie!" "And when she comes to visit She pats me on the rear says, 'Bless your little heart' and puts her hand right here!"          ....Grace Cleys in the Keen Ager News

May you live a long life, Full of gladness and health, With a pocket of gold As the least of your wealth. May the dreams you hold dearest Be those which come true, The kindness you spread Keep returning to you. May the friendships you make Be those that endure, And all of your gray clouds Be small ones for sure. And trusting in Him To whom we all pray, May a song fill your heart Every step of the way. ....Grace E. Easley

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee, Or the key to a lock of his hair? Can his eyes be called an academy Because there are pupils there? Is the crown of your head where jewels are found? Who travels the bridge of your nose? If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth Would you use the nails on your toes? Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand Or beat on the drum of your ear? Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe? Then why not grow corn on the ear? Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail? If so, just what did he do? How can you sharpen your shoulder blades? I'll be darned if I know--do you? Ann Landers

  Subject: New definitions     Chuckles.  We need chuckles.  I know you'll want to increase your vocab. nf      1.  ARBITRATOR:    A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds   2.  AVOIDABLE:    What a  bullfighter tries to  do  3.  BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage  4.  BURGLARIZE:    What a crook sees with  5.  CONTROL: A short, ugly  inmate     6.  COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets  7 .  ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living  8.  EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist  9.  HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10.  LEFTBANK:   What the robber did when his bag was full of  money 11.  MISTY:   How golfers create divots 12.  PARADOX:   Two  physicians 13.  PARASITES:    What you see from  the top of the Eiffel T ower 14.  PHARMACIST:   A helper on the farm 15.  POLARIZE:   What penguins see with 16.  PRIMATE:   Removing your spouse from in front of the TV 17.  RELIEF:     What trees do in the spring 18. RUBBERNECK:   What you do to relax your wife 19.  SELFISH:    What the owner of a seafood store does 20.  SUDAFED:   Brought litigation against a government official   -- Irene -- Irene ----- End forwarded message -----

  x        Subject: Homesick SnowBird!!                                     I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago" So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"   ----- End forwarded message -----

--- On Thu, 1/31/13, AWDEWD@aol.com <AWDEWD@aol.com> wrote: From: AWDEWD@aol.com <AWDEWD@aol.com> Subject: Two Doctors To: Date: Thursday, January 31, 2013, 7:07 AM   The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.   Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.   The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.   Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again. Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!   So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends. Everybody loved it!!!

    Subject: FW: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With a 25 Cal Pistol This is a story of a woman's self control and marksmanship against a fierce                     predator:                                                      The Beretta Jetfire:                                                    "While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!"   "Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."        

--- On Fri, 3/1/13, Pam Lueder <lueder1@frontier.com> wrote: From: Pam Lueder <lueder1@frontier.com> Subject: Kids say the darnedest things !! from Pam To: Undisclosed-Recipient@yahoo.com Date: Friday, March 1, 2013, 2:40 PM #yiv1044930040 .yiv1044930040hmmessage P { PADDING-BOTTOM:0px;MARGIN:0px;PADDING-LEFT:0px;PADDING-RIGHT:0px;PADDING-TOP:0px;} #yiv1044930040 BODY.yiv1044930040hmmessage { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma;FONT-SIZE:10pt;} Hi Don     IN GOD I TRUST   Subject: FW: Kids say the darnedest things !!    

      SEX AT 79 I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us.... go ahead and delete this.   For the rest of us... pass this on!   ----- End forwarded message -----

A soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: ''Regret cannot remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others.'' Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Mary. xxxxoooxxxx P. S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

   When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.    They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.    When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land .    ~ Desmond Tutu America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes    that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman    I'm not aparanoid,  deranged millionaire.    Dammit, I'm a  billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes **** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb **** Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right    and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind **** The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is    to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr ***** I've been married to a communist and a fascist,    and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ***** You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip **** A computer once beat me at chess,    but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford ***** The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan ***** Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. *****Having More money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. ***** We are here on earth to do good unto others.    What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden ***** In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy    who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz ***** If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today    and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson ***** I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius    and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C Clarke ***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man    wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin ***** Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante ***** As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind .    Every part of   this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn ***** If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright ***** America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell **** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts *** If God had intended us to fly he would have made it  easier to get to the airport ~ Jonathan Winters **** I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

A soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: ''Regret cannot remember which one is you... please keep your photo and return the others.'' Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Mary. xxxxoooxxxx P. S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Donation <mailto:wgerilynn@Donation> A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked. The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."