When you like to be in a crowd because they keep you from falling down. When the parts with arthritis are the parts that feel the best. When your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago today." When a big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills. When your knees buckle but your belt won't. When your clothes go into your overnight bag so you can fill your suitcase with pills. When somebody you consider an old-timer calls you and old-timer. When your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the right or left. When your back goes out more than you do. When you want to be nostalgic and you can't remember anything. When you don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go along. When it takes longer to rest than get tired. When getting "a little action" means you don't have to take a laxative. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

Abraham Lincoln loved to tell stories on himself. One of his favorites concerned itself with physical appearance. In the days when Lincoln used to be on the circuit (traveling on horseback from one county court to another), he was once approached by a stranger who said, "Excuse me, sir, but I have an article which belongs to you." "How is that?" Lincoln asked in astonishment. The stranger took a jackknife from his pocket. "This knife," he said "was placed in my hand some years ago, with the injunction that I was to keep it until I found a man homelier-looking than I am myself. I have carried that knife for many years. Now I pass it on to you." Lincoln added wryly, "I've carried that knife ever since." Once when he was accused of being “two-faced,” he replied, “If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?” One of Lincoln 's greatest assets was his ability to laugh at himself and he frequently laughed at his physical appearance. But history does not remember him as an "ugly" individual – in fact, often just the opposite. His spirit was clothed in beautiful garments: character, honesty, humor and courage. And there are other clothes he wore equally well – such as humility and forgiveness. We say that beauty is skin deep. But it isn't really. It has very little to do with the skin. True beauty is soul deep. It is a fabric that is woven in the soul and worn in plain view. The Bible speaks of clothing yourself with such things as compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Regardless of how good looking we may otherwise be, I believe that these kinds of clothes will actually be what people see – if not at first, certainly later. This was taught to me by a woman who used to think that if she were granted only one wish, it would be to be beautiful. She saw her wheel-chair dependent body as unsightly and, therefore, she missed her more attractive assets. But when she was finally convinced of some of her beautiful personality traits by her friends, she came to a different point of view. Today she says, "Now I know I AM beautiful. Very beautiful." It isn’t true that beauty is skin deep. This woman learned that real beauty is soul deep. And when she understood that, she saw that she was far more attractive than she had ever imagined.  So here’s to all of the beautiful people. They come in different sizes and shapes. Some are old and some are young. They can be found everywhere. And they look nothing alike, until you see the light in their eyes. That light may just be a reflection of the beauty inside; beauty that is soul deep.  -- Steve Goodier

Subject: Farmer John Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer John called the local police station to complain; "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer. "What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster! Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign? In order to get Farmer John off his back said, "Sure. Put up your own sign." The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John; "How's the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed since.' The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down. So he drove out to Farmer John's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign -  ;  ;  ;  ; 'NUDIST COLONY AHEAD'  ; 'Slow down and watch for the chicks!'

April Fool's Day The first of April, some do say, is set apart for All Fools' Day. But why the people call it so, nor I, nor they themselves do know. But on this day are people sent on purpose for pure merriment. Foolish Questions If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?  If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?   If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,  "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,  and drink whatever comes out"? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them,  but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? If a turtle doesn't have a shell,  is he homeless or naked? Why do they lock gas station restrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them? If man evolved from monkeys and apes,  why do we still have monkeys and apes? How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? Real Fools A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take  was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours  until police showed up and grabbed him. In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he forgot to keep his hand in his pocket. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with  "quit while you're ahead"?

Do not attempt to conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. ~ Lao Tzu A tree that is unbending is easily broken. ~ Lao Tzu A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ~ Lao Tzu Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is. The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds. ~ Dan Millman We may have our private opinions but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts? ~ Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer) The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax. ~ Albert Einstein There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. ~ Anonymous Today's affirmation: I practice non-resistance. I accept the wisdom of God in creating the world exactly as it is. ~ Jonathan L. Huie Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own. ~ Chinese proverb Comparisons are odious. ~ Old English Proverb If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. ~ Chinese Proverb Kindness is better than piety. ~ Yiddish Proverb Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~ Japanese Proverb We will be known forever by the tracks we leave. ~ American Indian Proverb  

Lord, thank You for loyal, loving friends Who are there in winter or springtime fair. New acquaintances are easy to come by, But true friendship is extremely rare. A friend always sees the best in you, Although they've known you at your worst. They laugh with you in the good times, When storms threaten, they'll be there first. They'll offer a shoulder to rest your head When tears are welling in your eyes. Take a walk down friendship's path with you And help chase away those stormy skies. Lord, thank You for all the gifts You give; Each one makes our life seem more worthwhile. But one of the finest gifts you've given us Is the warmth of friendship's loving smile.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There's no such thing as too much candy. All work and no play can make you a basket case. A cute tail attracts a lot of attention. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. Some body parts should be floppy. Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans. Good things come in small, sugar coated packages. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket. To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. In a group of rabbits how do you tell which is the oldest? Look for the gray hairs. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hairline. When I'm feeling down,  I like to eat a bucket of fried chicken  in front of a Jenny Craig Outlet. For Your Information "Surfing the net" will not make you go blind, but sitting on the toilet too long, will make your legs go numb. The older you get, the better you get,  (unless you're a banana) Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot. What's the best way to catch a wild rabbit? Stand in the woods and make a sound like a carrot. How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it. Did somebody say wabbit stew? Happy Easter!

                                   This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?” She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6." The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said,  "She also stole a can of peas."              

I wish the old paths were before us instead of behind us! THE OLD PATHS I liked the old paths, when Moms were at home. Dads were at work. Brothers went into the army. Crime did not pay; Hard work did; And people knew the difference. Moms could cook; Dads would work; Children would behave. Husbands were loving; Wives were supportive; And children were polite. Women wore the jewelry; And Men wore the pants. Women looked like ladies; Men looked like gentlemen; And children looked decent. People loved the truth, And hated a lie. They came to church to get IN, Not to get OUT! Hymns sounded Godly; Sermons sounded helpful; Rejoicing sounded normal; And crying sounded sincere. Cursing was wicked; Drugs were for illness. The flag was honored; America was beautiful; And God was welcome! We read the Bible in public; Prayed in school; And preached from house to house. To be called an American was worth dying for; To be called an American was worth living for; To be called a traitor was a shame! I still like the old paths the best! 'The Old Paths' was written by a retired minister who lives In Tennessee . AMEN

#1...Aging is guaranteed, but gaining wisdom is not. #2...A good friend remembers what we were and sees what we can be. #3...A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. #4...A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. #5...A guilty conscience needs no accuses. #6...And in the end it's not the years in your life that counts, It's the life in your years. #7...A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. #8...An optimist is a person who looks forward to enjoying the scenery on a detour. #9...A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart. #10... A person who knows but who doesn't know he knows is asleep; awaken him. But a person who knows and knows that he knows is wise; follow him. #11... A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. #12... A time of quietude brings things into proportion and gives us strength. We all need to take time from the busyness of living, even if it is be ten minutes to watch the sun go down or the city lights blossom against a canyon sky. #12... A sharp tongue and a dull brain are usually found in the same head. #13... A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. #14... As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction. #15... A positive attitude is a magnet for positive results.

          GOD HAS A SENSE OF OR A woman received a call at work.  Her daughter was sick, and needed her medicine. The woman rushed to the pharmacy, got the medication, went back to her car, and found that she had locked her keys inside. Noticing a coat hanger on the ground, she said to herself, "I know I could use that to open the car door if I only knew how." She bowed her head, and asked God to send her help. Just then a motorcycle pulled up.  A man got off the bike, and asked if he could help. The woman  said, "Yes, my daughter is sick.  I’ve locked my keys in my car.  I must get home with the medicine.  Please, can you unlock my car?" He said, "Sure.", and picked up the coat hanger, and in less than a minute he had the car door open. She hugged the man, and through tears said, "Thank You so much!  You are a very good man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a good man.  I just got out of prison yesterday.  I was there for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, and sobbing said, "Oh, thank you God!  You even sent me a professional!"               #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass .yiv814068869ecxshape {} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass p.yiv814068869ecxMsoNormal, #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass li.yiv814068869ecxMsoNormal, #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass div.yiv814068869ecxMsoNormal {font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman", "serif";} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass a:link, #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass span.yiv814068869ecxMsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass a:visited, #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass span.yiv814068869ecxMsoHyperlinkFollowed {color:purple;text-decoration:underline;} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass p {font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman", "serif";} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass p.yiv814068869ecxMsoAcetate, #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass li.yiv814068869ecxMsoAcetate, #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass div.yiv814068869ecxMsoAcetate {font-size:8.0pt;font-family:"Tahoma", "sans-serif";} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass span.yiv814068869ecxecxapple-style-span {} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass span.yiv814068869ecxecxapple-converted-space {} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass span.yiv814068869ecxBalloonTextChar {font-family:"Tahoma", "sans-serif";} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass span.yiv814068869ecxEmailStyle22 {font-family:"Calibri", "sans-serif";color:#1F497D;} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass .yiv814068869ecxMsoChpDefault {font-size:10.0pt;} #yiv814068869 filtered {} #yiv814068869 .yiv814068869ExternalClass div.yiv814068869ecxWordSection1 {}

    This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."  So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are!  They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.  So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.   My dogs get their first checks next week.     This country is  great !!  

TELL ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!! __________________________________________________ ______________________ Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! ________________________________________________________________________ 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! __________________________________________________________________ Now this one is just too Precious...LOL! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds o f activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! _________ __________________________________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!! ______________________________________________ _______________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

       The clock of life                                     "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still." >                 Confidentiality Notice: The information contained in this e-mail and any attachments may be legally privileged and confidential. If you are not an intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution, or copying of this e-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify the sender and permanently delete the e-mail and any attachments immediately. You should not retain, copy or use this e-mail or any attachments for any purpose, nor disclose all or any part of the contents to any other person.   ******************************************************** The information transmitted is intended only for the person or entity towhich it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privilegedmaterial. If you are not the addressee, any disclosure, reproduction,copying, distribution, or other dissemination or use of this communication isstrictly prohibited. If you have received this transmission inerror please notify the sender immediately and then delete this e-mail.E-mail transmission cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error free asinformation could be intercepted, corrupted lost, destroyed, arrive late orincomplete, or contain viruses.The sender therefore does not accept liability for any errors or omissionsin the contents of this message which arise as a result of e-mailtransmission. If verification is required please request a hard copyversion. ********************************************************  =

    Too Cute not to share!! Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school .. She had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks; " How did it go?" "I died of shame!" She answers! Sissy from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital. Her mother answers laughingly But that's no reason to be ashamed? No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that daddy & you had to make me yourselves."                                                =

   Subject: Gems To Ponder by Steven Wright- Long but Good!!   If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:     1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,… But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever… So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.   26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite - 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?       ----- End forwarded message -----

    For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed two laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because   Leviticus 20:13 says   "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."     We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!  

Date: Tuesday, March 12, 2013, 2:10 PM     These fit so well they  should be in a dictionary.   BEAUTY  PARLOR: A  place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS: The  only animals you eat before they are born and after they are  dead. COMMITTEE: A  body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud  with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone  who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold  Storage. INFLATION: Cutting  money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An  insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: A  grape that got too much sun. SECRET: Something  you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A  bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The  pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One  of the greatest labor saving devices of  today. YAWN: An  honest opinion openly expressed. And  MY Personal Favorite! WRINKLES: Something  other people have, Similar  to my character lines.                  

--- On Sat, 3/9/13, Pam Lueder <lueder1@frontier.com> wrote: From: Pam Lueder <lueder1@frontier.com> Subject: Did I Read That Right from Pam To: Undisclosed-Recipient@yahoo.com Date: Saturday, March 9, 2013, 8:34 AM #yiv1464836140 .yiv1464836140hmmessage P { PADDING-BOTTOM:0px;MARGIN:0px;PADDING-LEFT:0px;PADDING-RIGHT:0px;PADDING-TOP:0px;} #yiv1464836140 BODY.yiv1464836140hmmessage { FONT-FAMILY:Tahoma;FONT-SIZE:10pt;} Thank you Don     IN GOD I TRUST   Subject: Fwd: Did I Read That Right   Take a short break for therapy that is proven to help people live longer.           Did I read that sign right: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW      In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN   In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD   Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?   Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.   Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya think? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ----------------------------------------------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! --------------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------------------------------ J u venile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ---------------------------------------------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ---------------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ---------------------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ----------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ---------------- --------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? **************************************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! *************************************************** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ******************************************* And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?     Now! I’m betting that you will be in a better mood for the rest of your day?    

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.   ~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!   ~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!   ~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!   ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... especially golf.   ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.   ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with theTV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".   ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..   ~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???   ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.   ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!   ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.   ~Everybody whispers.   ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.   ~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!   Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!   It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.   A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.