So you're a senior citizen now, Well, congratulations friend! You've reached the point of no return, The beginning of the end. You know, it's all downhill from here, At least that's what they say. No job, no boss, no work to do, And don't forget -- no pay! You're on what's called a "fixed income", As much as they allow. Mine wasn't broke, I told them so, But they fixed it anyhow! And oh yes, another thing, You'll be eating cheaper now. Won't have to buy delicious foods, Can't eat them anyhow. The doctors say, "You watch your weight!" "Your cholesterol's too high!" And you need to get that pressure down, Or else you're gonna die! And many other benefits, We didn't talk about, Bifocals, bunions, "Meals on Wheels", It's enough to make you shout! So have fun, enjoy and laugh a lot. No need of being blue. You've waited all your life for this, And now it's all come true. So, cheer up friend, as you join in, And don't be sad or glum. Just grin and bear it best you can, The worst is yet to come!

                                         1910 Ford Make sure you read all the statistics This has only been 103 years ago ... Amazing!!! Show this to your friends, children and/or grandchildren! The year is 1910, over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some US statistics for the Year 1910. The average life expectancy for men was 47 years. Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower ! The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME. Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.' Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. There was no such thing as under arm deodorant or tooth paste. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. The five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2, Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. The population of Las Vegas Nevada was only 30! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. ! I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD...all in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confidentiality Disclaimer: This e-mail message and anyattachments are private communication sent by a law firm, Fowler White BoggsP.A., and may contain confidential, legally privileged information meant solelyfor the intended recipient. If you are not the intended recipient, you arehereby notified that any use, dissemination, distribution or copying of thiscommunication is strictly prohibited. Please notify the sender immediately byreplying to this message, then delete the e-mail and any attachments from yoursystem. Thank you.

Subject: One, Two or Three  Liners................ I got invited to a party and was    told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what    they had in mind. After a night      of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really      ugly woman.  That's when he realised he had made it home      safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday      this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an      Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.        Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is      look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her      in. I've been charged with murder for killing a      man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a      bit. After years of research, scientists have      discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my      mat.  That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village      for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my      door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture      on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those      Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned      from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in      chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe      it may be Pharaoh Roche... Just A      Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your      One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. ITS A BOY" I shouted "A      BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I      swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! Two Indian junkies      accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's      in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! An Englishman has started his own business in      Afghanistan !  He is making land Mines that look like prayer      mats!  It’s doing well!  Prophets are going through the      roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera      with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her      mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my      pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you      seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little      Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.  Dad reluctantly      agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and      asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks      horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in      amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you      watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon      .' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns      you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and      down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

  Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character?   How is it possible that I can get along with them all? I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me. With one of them I am polite. With another I joke. I can sit down and talk about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's advice for me.   My friends are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends!   They are my friends who understand me better than I understand myself. They're friends who support me through good days and bad.   Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr. Oz calls them Vitamin F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our well being.   Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression and terminal strokes.  If you enjoy Vitamin F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age.   The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments, it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%. I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamin F!   In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them.   We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together and pray for each other in the tough moments.   Some of my friends are friends on line. I know I am part of theirs because their names appear on my computer screen every day and I feel blessed that they care as much for me as I care for them.   Thank you for being one of my Vitamins.

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy,and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank. Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed. Q: Why do women live longer than men? A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does! Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? 'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!' What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? The ones in the casinos are serious. When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' His father replied:'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.' Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying: 'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.' The mother wrote back the next day: 'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'  They say that marriage makes a man dizzy,and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank. Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed. Q: Why do women live longer than men? A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does! Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? 'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!' What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? The ones in the casinos are serious. When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' His father replied:'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.' Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying: 'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.' The mother wrote back the next day: 'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'

  The British Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist's had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled; "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Ear Nose & Throat specialists wouldn't hear of it. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step backward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the politicians in London.

  Fact: 50% of the doctors practicing in this country today graduated in the lower half of their class. Doctor: "Mrs. Larson, you're not going deaf in your left ear; you seem to have a suppository stuck in there." Mrs. Larson: "Well now I know what happened to my hearing aid." Medical Examiner's Findings: 1. The patient didn't die of anything serious. 2. The man had never been fatally ill before. 3. Cause of death is unknown as patient died without the aid of a doctor. 4. Went to bed feeling on top of the world, but when he woke up he was dead. 5. The cause of death was an act of God under very suspicious circumstances. 6. The patient died in a state of perfect health Actual Doctors' Names Dr. Barker...Veterinarian Dr. Hacker...Surgeon Dr. Skinner...Dermatologist Dr. Born...Ob-Gyn Dr. Groth...Oncologist Dr. Butt...Gastroenterology Dr. Tickles...Pediatrician Dr. Looney...Psychiatrist Dr. Bone...Orthopedics Dr. Gore...Emergency Medicine Dr. Kidd...Pediatrician Dr. Foote...Podiatrist If you've got your health, you've got everything. And if you don't have your health, sooner or later your doctor has everything.

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer:'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else� Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink? Answer:Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer:Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4. 4. Without using a calculator- You are driving a bus from London toMilford Haven in Wales. In London, 17people get on the bus. In Reading, 6people get off the bus and 9people get on. InSwindon, 2people get off and 4get on. In Cardiff, 11people get off and 16people get on. In Swansea, 3people get off and 5people get on. In Carmarthen, 6people get off and 3get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven... Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver? Answer:Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age...It was YOU driving the bus!

Edna, We miss you, come back to our computer. Stephen King -----Original Message----- From: edna9484 <edna9484@sbcglobal.net> To: GenHumor <GenHumor@rootsweb.com> Sent: Thu, May 2, 2013 10:58 am Subject: [GENHUMOR] Fw: When an engineer goes to hell R. Clemmer) > > An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. > > Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name > there, accidentally sends him to Hell. > > It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather > dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. > > He soon begins to design and build improvements. > > Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets > and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a > pretty popular guy. > > One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are > things in Hell?" > > Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air > conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no > telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." > > "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's > a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. > Send him to me." > > "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on > the staff, and I'm keeping him!" > > God insists: "Send him back, or I'll sue!" > > Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And > where are you going to get a Lawyer?" ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to GENHUMOR-request@rootsweb.com with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

<font color='#333333'><div class="win-template"> <div class="origMsg"><br> <div class="css-sandbox" style="font-size: 12pt;" data-win-bind="innerHTML: body Yahoo.Mail.Presentation.Filters.cssSandboxing"> <table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tbody><tr><td valign="top"><font color="#333333"><div class="win-template"> <br> <br> <br><div class="origMsg"><div class="css-sandbox" style="font-size: 12pt;"><div style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: bookman old style, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><div style="font-family: bookman old style, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;"><div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;"><div class="y_msg_container"><div id="yiv6458976471"><div> <div> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">REFLECTIONS ON AGING </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. <span class="yiv6458976471010074418-12062013"><font color="#0000ff" face="Arial"> </font></span></font></div> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><span class="yiv6458976471010074418-12062013"><font color="#0000ff" face="Arial"> </font> </span>I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ Long ago when old men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. </font></div><font color="#000000" face="Verdana"><br></font> <div align="left"><font color="#000000" face="Verdana">~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. <span class="yiv6458976471010074418-12062013"><font color="#0000ff" face="Arial"> </font></span></font></div> <div align="left"><font face="Verdana"><span class="yiv6458976471010074418-12062013"></span></font> </div> <div align="left"><font face="Verdana"><span class="yiv6458976471010074418-12062013">~ </span></font><font face="Verdana" size="3">Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. <font size="2"></font></font></div> <div align="left"><font face="Verdana" size="3"> <font size="2"></font></font></div></div></div></div><br><br></div></div></div></div></div> </div> </div></font></td></tr></tbody></table></div> </div> </div></font>

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font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;'> </span><span style='color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;'></span></div></div> <div> <div> <div> <div id="ecxyiv3926472595"> <div> <div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'> </span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'>At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled.....</span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'> </span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'>"I want all the married men to please stand next to the one person who</span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'>has made your life worth living."</span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'> </span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'> </span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'>The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.</span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt;'> </span></div></div> <div> <div class="ecxyiv3926472595MsoNormal" style="background: white;"><span style='color: black; font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; 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<font color='#333333'><div class="win-template"> <br> <br> <br> <div class="origMsg"> <div class="origMsgHeader"> <br> </div><div class="css-sandbox" style="font-size: 12pt;" data-win-bind="innerHTML: body Yahoo.Mail.Presentation.Filters.cssSandboxing"> <style> .css-sandbox .hmmessage P { margin:0px; padding:0px; } .css-sandbox body.hmmessage { font-size:12pt; font-family:Calibri; } </style> <div dir="ltr"><br><br><div></div><div><div dir="ltr"><div style='color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Lucida Handwriting"; font-size: 14pt;'><div style='color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Calibri"; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; display: inline;'><br> <div style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 18pt; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"> <div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 18pt;"> <div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <div class="ecxy_msg_container"> <div id="ecxyiv517169086"> <div dir="ltr"> <div class="ecxyiv517169086gmail_default" style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0); font-size: xx-large;"> </div> <div class="ecxyiv517169086gmail_quote"> <div class="ecxyiv517169086HOEnZb"> <div class="ecxyiv517169086h5"> <div dir="ltr"> <div style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0); font-size: xx-large;"> <u></u></div> <div class="ecxyiv517169086gmail_quote"> <div style="font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt;"><font color="#000000" face="Arial"> <div> </div> <div> </div> <div> <blockquote style="padding-left: 5px; margin-left: 5px; border-left-color: blue; border-left-width: 2px; border-left-style: solid;"><font color="#000000" face="Arial" style="background-color: transparent;"> <blockquote style="padding-left: 5px; margin-top: 5px; margin-left: 5px; border-left-color: rgb(16, 16, 255); border-left-width: 2px; border-left-style: solid;"> <div style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <div dir="ltr"> </div> <div> <div> <div> <blockquote> <div>This is funny and a sad commentary at the same time.</div> <div> </div> <div>And another shooting at a big public to-do today. Heaven help us.</div></blockquote> <blockquote> <div> <table style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top" style="font-size-adjust: inherit; font-stretch: inherit;"><br> <blockquote style="padding-left: 5px; margin-left: 5px; border-left-color: rgb(16, 16, 255); border-left-width: 2px; border-left-style: solid;"> <div> <div> <div> <table align="center" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="7"> <tbody> <tr height="100%"> <td width="100%"> <div style="color: rgb(0, 0, 160); font-family: candara; font-size: 14pt; min-height: 100%;"> <div> <blockquote style="padding-left: 10px; margin-left: 10px;"><font color="#000000" face="Times New Roman" style="background-color: transparent;"><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"><b><span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1368742860_0">Hoodies</span> at the <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1368742860_1">Pearly Gates</span></b> </font><font color="blue" face="Times New Roman"></font><br><font face="Times New Roman" size="3"> <b><br>Saint Peter is sitting at the <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1368742860_2">Pearly Gates</span> when two guys wearing hoodies arrive. <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1368742860_3">Saint Peter</span> looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”</b><br><b><br>Saint Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance. God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you.... you can’t be racist and judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”</b><br><b><br>Saint Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well they’re gone.”</b><br><b><br>“The guys wearing hoodies?'” asked God.</b><br><b><br>“No. The Pearly Gates”</b></font></font></blockquote></div> <div></div> <div><i><font size="4"></font></i> </div></div></td></tr></tbody></table></div></div></div></blockquote></td></tr></tbody></table></div></blockquote></div></div></div></div></div></blockquote></font></blockquote></div></font></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div> </div> </div> </div> </div></font>

xA guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. "Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery," he replied. "And when is she coming back?" "I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now!" -------

Subject: 4 retirees walk into a bar.... ____________________________________________________________ Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."   They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.   The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!   What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.   In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."   The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.   Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."   They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.   Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"   "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."   "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.   As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.   Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"   The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."

> > An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. > > Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name > there, accidentally sends him to Hell. > > It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather > dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. > > He soon begins to design and build improvements. > > Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets > and escalators.  Needless to say, the engineer is a > pretty popular guy. > > One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are > things in Hell?" > > Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air > conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no > telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." > > "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?  That's > a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell.  > Send him to me." > > "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on > the staff, and I'm keeping him!" > > God insists: "Send him back, or I'll sue!" > > Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And > where are you going to get a Lawyer?"

gratitude Gratitude is one of those words that you don't Hear very often, but it is one that can do magic When it comes to shifting your attitude.  Make a List of things that you are most thankful for And make it a comprehensive list.  This list Holds your most cherished times, possessions And people in your life.   When you're having one of those bad days And you need to feel better, more positive and More resourceful, refer back to your Gratitude List.   After all, what you are most grateful for Matters most.  

    Subject: If you like PUNS These are real groaners   Punography: ·I changed my iPod name to Titanic.  It's syncing now. ·I tried to catch some fog.  I mist. ·When chemists die, they barium. ·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. ·A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. ·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. ·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. ·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. ·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. ·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can't put it down. ·I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words . ·They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. ·A dyslexic man walks into a bra . ·PMS jokes aren't funny, period. ·Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations. ·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz. ·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery. ·I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. ·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? ·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. ·What does a clock do when it's hungry?  It goes back four seconds. ·Broken pencils are pointless. ·What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. ·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . ·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. ·I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. ·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. ·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. ·Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. ·Velcro - what a rip off! ·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. ·Venison for dinner? Oh deer! ·Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault. ·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.         No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 10.0.1432 / Virus Database: 3162/5770 - Release Date: 04/24/13 ----- End forwarded message -----

. CATHOLIC SHAMPOO TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?" THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND." "I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM," THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT. THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO. WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

      .    CATHOLIC SHAMPOO          TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?" THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND." "I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM," THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT. THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO. WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."                             

*****************************************************************************    The   liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a  substitute  for Blood   plasma. ***************************************************************************  No  piece of paper can be folded in   half more than  seven (7)   times.                         Oh  go ahead...I'll   wait... ****************************************************************************  Donkeys kill more people annually  than   plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch  your  Ass ) ************************************************************************  You  burn more calories  sleeping than  you do  watching  television. **************************************************************************  Oak  trees do not produce acorns until  they are fifty   (50) years of age or older.  ****************************************************************************  The  first product to have a bar   code was   Wrigley's gum. *************************************************************************  The  King of Hearts is the only   king WITHOUT   A MUSTACHE ***************************************************************************  American  Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987  by  eliminating one (1) olive  from   each salad served in   first-class. **************************************************************************  Venus  is the only planet that  rotates  clockwise. (Since   Venus is normally associated with women, what does  this tell you?) (That women are going in the  'right' direction...?) *********************************************************************  Apples,  not caffeine,  are  more  efficient at waking you up in the  morning  . ************************************   *********************************** Most   dust particles in your house are made  from  DEAD   SKIN ! ************************************************************************    **** The first owner of the Marlboro   Company died of lung cancer.  So  did  the first ' Marlboro  Man'.  ***************************************************************************  Walt  Disney was afraid       OF MICE! **************************************************************************  PEARLS   DISSOLVE IN   VINEGAR  !  *********************************************************************  The  three most valuable brand names  on  earth: Marlboro,  Coca   Cola ,  and Budweiser, in  that  order.  **********************************************************************  It is possible to lead a cow  upstairs...  but,   not downstairs. ************************************************************************ A   duck's quack doesn't echo, and  no  one knows why. ************************************************************************  Dentists  have recommended that a  toothbrush be kept at  least six (6) feet  away from a  toilet to avoid  airborne particles resulting  from the  flush. (I  keep  my toothbrush in the living room  now  !) ***************************************************  And   the best for last..... Turtles   can breathe through their  butts. (I  know some people like that, don't YOU   ?) So....................... Remember,   knowledge is everything, so pass it  on......   and  go  move your toothbrush!   And stop folding  that darn paper     -- What does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?