AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO!THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF. 2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLESWHILE YOU CHOP. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER ANDGOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. < BR>7. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM. 8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. 9. IF YOU HAVE THE HICCUPS, TAKE A SHOT OF VODKA AND STAND ON YOUR HEAD UNTIL THEY GO AWAY. IF IT DOESN'T WORK THE FIRST TIME, CONTINUE THE PROCESS UNTIL YOU EITHER PASS OUT OR SO DRUNK YOU DON'T KNOW YOU HAVE THE HICCUPS. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1230 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Some of these guys "Crack Me Up". "The desire of acquiring the comforts of the world haunts the imagination of the poor, and the dread of losing them that of the rich." -- Alexis de Tocqueville "A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune." -- Anonymous "I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians ..., or bills - not necessarily in that order." "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -- Dave Barry "Everybody's got to believe in something..., I believe I'll have another beer." -- W. C. Fields ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== A conclave of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving..., "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars" ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday". Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge chairs who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say " The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is to loud. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers was flailing away ahead of them. Engineer: "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!" Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!" Priest: "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!" Doctor: "Wow! Thanks for the scoop George." Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Engineer (after a short pause) ...: "Wait a minute! Why can't these guys play at night?" ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== 8 Rules for More Gooder English Usage: _1). Infinitives: It is wrong to ever split them. _2). The passive voice is to be seldom used. _3). Ambiguity is more or less okay. _4). Rhetorical questions: Who needs them? _5). Subject-verb agreement are important. _6). Contractions aren’t necessary. _7). Prepositions are not good to end sentences with. _8). Exaggeration is among the all-time most worstest mistakes. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so." Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Q). What do you call a bunch of bunnies hopping backwards? A). A receding hare line. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== I used to work the graveyard shift. One morning, on the way home from work I stopped to pick up a six-pack so I could throw down a couple before nodding off. Package in hand, I was half way to the register when it dawned on me that it is probably too early for such a purchase. But it doesn't cost anything to ask. "Can I buy this now?" I ask. The clerk says, "Oh sure. You just can't buy it after 2 AM." /// They Walk Among Us /// ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Stolen from: CookieAcct, six_ball_man, Hamish, creeklin, demnuts and "shorty" RustBelt (How tall are you? Tall enough for my feet to touch the ground.) The Scene of Today's Crime (plagiarism) is one of the forum topics titled "Laugh of the Day". It can be found on any one of the many www.gasbuddy.com Canadian or U.S. sites such as (in my case) http://www.nashvillegasprices.com

I love the suggestion -- and, often, the author has long since been separated from his/her material. However, I would like to suggest that if we've read something, especially in a newpaper or magazine or book, that we post where we read it (most recently!), so that at least we know where it ended up "last we knew". Thanks for the idea, Linda in Utah PS And, in that spirit, here's one: Woodrow Wilson said: "A man's rootage is more important than his leafage." (Very genealogical, I think) quoted in Bob Dole's book Great Political Wit. -------------- Original message -------------- From: [email protected] > > > It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. > > There are three kinds of memory - good, bad and convenient. > > "Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving." > > If Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women merged, > would they become: > Knott NOW!? > > I always thought if you had melted chocolate all over your hands, you > weren't eating fast enough. > > ===-=== We interrupt this mailing for a short editorial ===-=== > I know the veterans of this, The Greatest Humor list ... A-N-Y-Where! > realize there are not many "original" jokes or stories or other Pearls > of Wisdom and Joy to be found here. Oh, once in awhile someone will slip > one through - either to see if you're paying attention or to see if it > 'lives' long enough to reappear, in a new, improved, fortified version > that is only recognizable to the original author ('cause its her/ his > "baby", doncha know?) > > Speaking for myself ole John Bartlett pretty well 'nailed it' when he > coined the phrase: > > "I have gathered a posie of other men’s flowers, and > nothing but the thread that binds them is mine own." > > Why? Isn't Plagiarism is supposed to be a crime? If that must be the > case, you are invited to join us in the "Crime(s) of the Century", as we > post our version of our Picks of the funniest things we've read today. > You are not required to share our opinion but it is hoped you will find > some of these little jewels attractive ...and funny ...and contribute > yours. > ===-=== ===-=== End of Editorial Mode ===-=== ===-=== > > > > The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as > well as the first Jewish president. She calls up her mother a few weeks > after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my > inauguration." > "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as > he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again." > > "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and > take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." > "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would > I wear?" > > "Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown > custom-made by the best designer in New York." > "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and > your friends like to eat." > > The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is > going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. > Please, Mom, I really want you to come." > > So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is > being sworn in as President of the United States. > > In the front row sits the new president's mother. She leans over to a > senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there > with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" > The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." > > Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." > > ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== > > > > To pass the time while our plane was waiting to taxi for takeoff, the > flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked > us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for > the airlines. > After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: > "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest > with 28 years, we have prizes. > And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, once we are > airborne would you please step off the plane?" > > ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== > > > Have you noticed there's already been more jokes than "Editorials"? Hang > On... We ain't done yet! [sic] > > On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork > for a long time. > He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. > Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, > "Gee, Dad, I don't think he recognizes me." > > ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== > > > > Our Town Is So Small... (How Small Is It?) > - our city limits signs are both on the same post! > - the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. > - the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2. > - the phone book has only one page. > - our ZIP code was a fraction. > - 2nd Street is in the next town over. > > ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== > > > > Handy Car ^Tips^: > 1) When rotating your tires, jack the car up first. > 2) When rotating your tires, save time by rotating the rims too. > 3) Every three months, have your sparks plugged for maximum fuel mileage. > 4) Change your windshield washer fluid and check your mirror's > reflection reservoir. > 5) At 25,000 miles have your connecting rods realigned - 30,000 on > rotary engines. > 6) To prevent a loud exhaust, have your muffler bearings greased. > 7) In the Spring, replace the anti-freeze with coolant. In the fall, > reverse the operation. > 8) Have your water pump's belt removed to promote water conservation. > 9) To increase time between oil changes, consider the installation of an > Engine Oil Bypass Kit. > > ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== > > > > Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale > French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the > back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the > wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. But one day, > Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for > 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he > had not bought anything from them. > > The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." > Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. > > At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of > the case. > The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our > kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear we are > providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated > for it." > > The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" > Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled > the few coins he had inside. > > The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" > Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of > my money." > > ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== > > > A wise man said, "I can only please ONE person a day; today might not be > YOUR day; tomorrow doesn't look GOOD either!" > > Eat More Possum > > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in > the subject and the body of the message

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. There are three kinds of memory - good, bad and convenient. "Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving." If Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women merged, would they become: Knott NOW!? I always thought if you had melted chocolate all over your hands, you weren't eating fast enough. ===-=== We interrupt this mailing for a short editorial ===-=== I know the veterans of this, The Greatest Humor list ... A-N-Y-Where! realize there are not many "original" jokes or stories or other Pearls of Wisdom and Joy to be found here. Oh, once in awhile someone will slip one through - either to see if you're paying attention or to see if it 'lives' long enough to reappear, in a new, improved, fortified version that is only recognizable to the original author ('cause its her/ his "baby", doncha know?) Speaking for myself ole John Bartlett pretty well 'nailed it' when he coined the phrase: "I have gathered a posie of other men’s flowers, and nothing but the thread that binds them is mine own." Why? Isn't Plagiarism is supposed to be a crime? If that must be the case, you are invited to join us in the "Crime(s) of the Century", as we post our version of our Picks of the funniest things we've read today. You are not required to share our opinion but it is hoped you will find some of these little jewels attractive ...and funny ...and contribute yours. ===-=== ===-=== End of Editorial Mode ===-=== ===-=== The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration." "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother. She leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== To pass the time while our plane was waiting to taxi for takeoff, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, once we are airborne would you please step off the plane?" ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Have you noticed there's already been more jokes than "Editorials"? Hang On... We ain't done yet! [sic] On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, I don't think he recognizes me." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Our Town Is So Small... (How Small Is It?) - our city limits signs are both on the same post! - the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. - the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2. - the phone book has only one page. - our ZIP code was a fraction. - 2nd Street is in the next town over. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Handy Car ^Tips^: 1) When rotating your tires, jack the car up first. 2) When rotating your tires, save time by rotating the rims too. 3) Every three months, have your sparks plugged for maximum fuel mileage. 4) Change your windshield washer fluid and check your mirror's reflection reservoir. 5) At 25,000 miles have your connecting rods realigned - 30,000 on rotary engines. 6) To prevent a loud exhaust, have your muffler bearings greased. 7) In the Spring, replace the anti-freeze with coolant. In the fall, reverse the operation. 8) Have your water pump's belt removed to promote water conservation. 9) To increase time between oil changes, consider the installation of an Engine Oil Bypass Kit. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== A wise man said, "I can only please ONE person a day; today might not be YOUR day; tomorrow doesn't look GOOD either!" Eat More Possum

AOL Email A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met". She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16." Once again, the wife is touched to tears because her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1187 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" -------- Remember... ? A contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the contractor she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The contractor wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of hispanics laying sod across the street." -------- A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private residence instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get." -------- When one woman asked her friend how she could get her husband's attention away from the TV set, her friend said, "Wear something sheer." "What if that doesn't work?" she asked. "Then put a number on your back." -------- A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey boss, I've heard yuour speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chuffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions. "Yes," said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question. The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one," he replied. "So easy in fact, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it." -------- Abe was well known for his cheapness and his 'eye for a bargain'. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $5. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail. A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived. "Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered." "What terrible luck." said Abe, "The Post Office is getting worse all the time." "It's a shame too," she replied. "It was so beautifully wrapped, each piece separately." -------- -= I can only please one person a day; today is not YOUR day; tomorrow doesn't LOOK good, either. =- Eat More Possum

Here's another redneck joke... You Might Be a Redneck If.. ...Starting your car involves popping the hood. ...Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. ...You've ever passed an afternoon by watching other people get their haircut. ...You whistle at women at church. ...You inherited a toilet plunger. ...You have no idea how many pets you have. ...You can't find your lawnmower. ...Your phone cord is a safety hazard. ...You've ever accepted an invitaion written on a bathroom wall. ...You hold the hood of your car open with your head while you work on it. -= Just Because You Remove Litter From The Public Streets doesn't make you a Redneck! =- ..... Take Home A Full Bag ... Today .....

If the appliances on your porch... work, you might be a red neck. If your family tree does not fork... you might be a red neck. If you go to family reunions to meet women... you might be a red neck. ------ - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. - If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. - Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $50,000 per month. - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is. - The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. ------ Husband: "Dear, have you been cutting expenses like we agreed ?" Blonde Wife: "Yes, honey, I was able to slash our expenses last month just like you asked. Everything was charged to only 1 credit card so that it's only going to cost us 1 stamp to pay all of our bills." ------------------- The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler ---------------- A lawyer was getting fitted for a suit at his tailor's office. As he was standing there, he decided to have some fun with the man. "I guess our jobs are pretty similar," said the lawyer. The tailor remained silent, so the lawyer continued, "What I mean is that we're both in the same business - making suits. And both of our suits end up in a court of law." The tailor said nothing, but continued measuring, so the lawyer added, "Of course, I went to college and then law school for seven years to learn how to make my suits." "Yes," said the tailor, "but when I make a suit, it only costs you a hundred dollars." ----------- A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and depression he ran into the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned." ----------- An EMPTY Grocery bag is a terrible thing to waste; take one for a 20 mile hike and bring it home FULL. And Eat More Possum!

If you go to a family reunion to meet women... you might be a red neck. If you have to mow the grass to find your car... you might be a red neck. If your Christmas Tree is still up in May... you might be a red neck. If you hammer beer bottle caps into the frame of your front door as decoration... you might be a red neck. If you think the stock market has a fence around it... you might be a red neck. If there is a gun rack on your bicycle... you might be a red neck. If you have a great recipe for barbecued Spam... you might be a red neck. If, after a hail storm your home needs body-work... you might be a red neck. If you refer to the 5th grade as your "senior year"... you might be a red neck. If you have been married four times and STILL have the same in-laws... you might be a red neck. ====== If you can walk four miles before filling a grocery bag with litter... No doubt about it; You Are A Redneck, Son! Eat More Possum Now, Ya Hear?

This story may offend some people, If it offends you, please delete, but don't tell me it offended you or I will feel bad. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------ May 30, 2008 The Holy Grail of Baseball (The Sacred Cup) My grandson Max, signed up for little league baseball again this year, only this year they are required to wear a cup to protect them. He was all jazzed up for this, went down to wal-mart with his mom and 11 year old sister Alix to buy all the stuff he needed this year. . His mom showed him a jock strap for the cup and he says there was no way he was wearing that ugly thing, he just wouldn't play. So daughter Jill found him a pair of sliding shorts with a built in pouch for the cup. He said he needed that pouch for his cup. his sister says, "your nuts!", he says, "no , not my nuts, my balls!" sister says, "you have no balls", he says, "Mom, tell her I have balls, I was born with them!" daughter Jill has her eyes rolled up into her head while picking up socks to match his baseball shirt, then looks around to make sure half the store is not taking this conversation in. When they get home, he cleaned out one of his drawers and put all his baseball stuff in just a certain place, and yes, a special place for his "cup", you would have thought it was the "Holy Grail". The first game of the season, all the little guys are in the dugout playing bongo drums on their cups and laughing their butts off.

I wanted to tell you an absolute true story.. My daughter and I and my granddaughter Alix who is 10 where coming back from town and we saw a sheriff car pulled up into a driveway, we are nosy so we slow down and Jill says, must have been an accident and it must have involved that dwarf. The dwarf woman is walking away and she looked pissed. I said to Alix, She is not Happy, then in the next breath I asked Alix, I wonder which one she is? Alix started laughing so hard, I thought she would pee her pants.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful womanhe had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just afew years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1164 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Make every e-mail and IM count. Join the i’m Initiative from Microsoft. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Give to a good cause with every e-mail. Join the i’m Initiative from Microsoft. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1147 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

HOUSEWORK was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all t he laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..' God is good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1147 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Page 4 At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis the previous evening and wasn't aware that we had assembled the blimp, and that it was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached. The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her. This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am. I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will. Some blimps are better off dead. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1147 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

page 3 Without volition I screamed my battle cry which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear. I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces. Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity. Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.) Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack. On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had. Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident. I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, thus sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep. *** -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1147 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Page 2 I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil are converging on you. That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time. I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil are converging on you. That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time. I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness. Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep. So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual. On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!! Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster. I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark. When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1147 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?" "It's the worst job I ever had." "How long have you been there?" "About three months." "Why don't you quit?" "No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home." ========== T-e-q-u-i-l-a" Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search. A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it." he said. "What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked. Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird." ========== Freddie ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands. "Mommy, my turtle is dead," Freddie told his mother as he held the turtle out to her. His mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you . . ." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the boy said. "Can I kill it?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wondering what's for Dinner Tonight? Get new twists on family favorites at AOL Food. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1147 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

In each moment, allow that goodness to stream into your world. With each day, lovingly bring to life the value that is YOURS to create! ~ Ralph Marston Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals . . . You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubts; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. ~*~ General of the Armies, Douglas MacArthur You can increase your brain power three-to-five-fold simply by laughing and having fun before working on a problem. ~~ Doug Hall -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1147 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

AOL Email "Growing old is not for sissies"........Bette Davis BUYING A BATHING SUIT When I was younger in the 1950s and 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice--she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror--my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fit... a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read, "Material might become transparent in water." So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a T-shirt! You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. LGIE Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1133 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len