Hotel Bill A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says,this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.' -- Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for fuel-efficient used cars. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1283 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Can I Borrow $25? Can I borrow $25? A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year Old son waiting for him at the door. SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?' DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man. SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?' DAD: 'That's n one of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the Man said angrily. SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an Hour?' DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.' SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down. SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?' The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can Borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you March yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Think about why You are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish Frivolities.' The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's Questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down , and started to Think: maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went To the door of the little boy's room and opened the door, "Are you Asleep, son?" He asked. "No, daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy. "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the Man. "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for." The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!' He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled Up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get Angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then Looked up at his father. "Why do you want more money if you already Have some?" the father grumbled. Because I didn't have enough, but Now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an Hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to Have dinner with you." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he Begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you Working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers Without having spent some time with those who really matter to Us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of Your time with someone you love. If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1283 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

********************************************************* WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon. As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." ******************************************************** Legal vs logical. After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a Student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam." Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?" Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical." ********************************************************** A Cowboy's Honesty A cowboy from Texas, hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo, got pulled over by a Wyoming Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though". ********************************************************** -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1283 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

A scene at City Hall in San Francisco "Next." "Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license." "Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones." "Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers." "Brothers? You can't get married." "Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?" "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!" "Incest?" No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?" "For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects." "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?" "All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?" "We all want to marry each other." "But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples." "Since when are you standing on tradition?" "Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license." "In what names?" "David Deets." "And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself." "Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!" -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1274 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, Trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker Exclaims, 'are they all yours?'' Yep they are all Mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to Find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy. In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?' Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'Then I call them by their last names.' It's Tax Time! Get tips, forms and advice on AOL Money & Finance. No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG. Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.0/1383 - Release Date: 4/17/2008 9:00 AM Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for fuel-efficient used cars. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1269 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Priceless A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell; After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arr esting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1255 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Would be funny if it were not so true!!! My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home. Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight. "Overnight?" I said "My father-in-law came home the same day." The vet looked at me and said, "Bo's not on Medicare!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for fuel-efficient used cars. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1255 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

2 of these are a Joke; the others have not yet been determined: How to save the airlines: _1). Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. _2). Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. _3). Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services'. _4). Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues and Security would be greatly simplified. _5). This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? [thanks, MOO and HAMISH] -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- I don't know that I completely agree with all of this but, it gives us plenty to think about: School prayer Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. . If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. . Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. . For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. . We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. . We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong. . We can get our condoms and birth control, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. . It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- HAMISH passes these along: -. The dot over the letter "I" is called a 'tittle'. -. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. -. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. -. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. -. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. -. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. -. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. -. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. -. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog -. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. -. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). -. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. -. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. -. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. -. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.) -. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. -. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. -. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! -. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! -. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. -. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. -. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. -. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) -. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) -. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. -. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. -. celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celer y has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples. -. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! -. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.. -. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. -. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS. -. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail. -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- [stratTX tells this one] A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem. 'Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. 'I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,' the farmer said with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot--WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again-WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.' . . Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, 'Shhh, they're getting closer!' -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- CheePio brings us up date: The Chinese have done it again! They shipped a boat load of pencils to the U.S. - and they were full of LEAD! -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- -===- To all my friends who in 2007 and 6 months of 2008 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, . . . . . . . . NONE OF THAT WORKED! For 2009 here's an idea: could you please just send money, Scotch, chocolate, or gasoline vouchers instead. Thank you -=Get Some Exercise! Go for walk with one of those EMPTY plastic bags they gave you at the grocery. Bring it home full of roadside litter." And, Eat More Possum!=-

AOL Email A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping. The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans' he says. 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. 'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful' she says. The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!' Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for fuel-efficient used cars. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1245 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in. One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, "You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--"We were at your birthday party yesterday!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1245 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

The Rancher While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.'" Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'" The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there." **************Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for fuel-efficient used cars. (http://autos.aol.com/used?ncid=aolaut00050000000007)

Thank you for the story.... The Rancher was the one that I wanted

Dear List, Recently there was a story about a turtle on a post. At my computer it got deleted before it got shared... Could someone please send it again... Thank you so much bachile

AOL Email Sarcasm The Zen of Sarcasm 01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 03. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Have a GREAT DAY (unless you have other plans). Vote for your city's best dining and nightlife. City's Best 2008. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1242 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Can't eat Beef ... Mad cow Can't eat chicken ... Bird flu Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella Can't eat pork... fears of trichinosis... Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmm mmm!!!!!!!!!!!!! M M M M M M M M M M M I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!! Vote for your city's best dining and nightlife. City's Best 2008. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1242 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

AOL Email A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?!" ********************************************************** Two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered "Yes. Yes, I will!" The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1242 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Husbands Dear Tide, I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1242 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

----- Original Message ----- From: Gloria Mornngstar To: Annette ; [email protected] ; Edna Wakeham ; janet plutz ; Greg Cain ; Julia Murrell ; Karen J Biesboer ; Kay Scott ; Madelyn Jauron ; Mary Spencer ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; Ron Christensen Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 6:29 AM Subject: FW: THIS IS A GREAT ONE ----- We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times! 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches.) 3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts , gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's! 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER. 6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. Lost time can never be found! Wondering what's for Dinner Tonight? Get new twists on family favorites at AOL Food. Plan your next roadtrip with MapQuest.com: America's #1 Mapping Site. Make every e-mail and IM count. Join the i'm Initiative from Microsoft. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1236 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

From Stan Kegel: Two cadets at an Arizona Air force academy were bragging in their off time about what good hunters they were. Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey they could find. There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local zoo and was roaming around loose in the desert that surrounded the academy. The contest was that whoever bagged the lion and brought it back to base was the winner. The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle and set about hunting down the lion in the conventional manner. The second cadet, who was perhaps a bit more inventive than his counterpart, secured a training jet from the local commander, loaded the wing guns with live ammunition and headed out over the dessert in search of the lion. It wasn't long before he spotted it, and, from the safety of the plane, killed it. He took the plane down, loaded the lion's body into the copilot's seat, and headed back to base, where he promptly downed both bottles. Which proves that a strafed lion is the shortest distance between two pints. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== Buffalo told this one: A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads. The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I'm sure that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal." The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations; figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperture, and the average rate of speed we will be travelling, to know what kind of tire you should buy." The technician just laughs and shakes his head... "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tire right in the trunk -- now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== -= I can only please one person a day; today may not be YOUR day; tomorrow doesn't LOOK real good, either. =- Eat More Possum

i souport publik edekasion My IQ test results were negative My child is inmate of the month at Folsom It's lonely at the top, ...but you eat better Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math Out of my mind. Back in five minutes REHAB is for quitters ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== "I'm not losing hair; I'm GAINING head!" "If you jogged backward..., would you gain weight?" "She has a voice which bursts pimples." "We are all in this together, but we all die alone." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== "The ultimate result of protecting man from folly is to fill the world with fools" -- Herbert Spencer "If we all take the backseat, who's gonna drive?" -- Fred Cole "Write a wise saying and your name will live forever." -- Unknown ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== "Is a hippopotamus a HIPpopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?" "Me fail English? That's unpossible!" -- Ralph Wiggum "If some is good, more must be better!" "Forget World Peace; Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== These came from "<a href="http://www.buffaloschips.com/">The Buffalo</a>"... "CAMPING [Practically Useless] TIPS" -When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. -Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. -Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire. -When smoking a fish, never inhale. -A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. -The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. -Steer clear of parks named for landfills. -While the Swiss-Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss-Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. -Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience. -Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. -You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. -When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on. -You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car. ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he called out. There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again." Incredulous, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost." "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know crap about cars." ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== ====-==== A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside. "How do you know they're Christian puppies?" "Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home. That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks, "Does he also know 'regular' commands?" "Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband. Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over. He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head. "Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!" -= I can only please one person a day; today may not be YOUR day; tomorrow doesn't LOOK real good, either. =- Eat More Possum