TALE OF TWO FROGS Two frogs fell in a deep cream bowl, One was an optimistic soul; But the other one took the gloomy view "We'll drown" he lamented without much ado. And with a last despairing cry He flung up his legs and said "Goodbye". Quote the other frog with a steadfast grin, "I can't get out but I won't give in. I'll just swim around till my strength is spent, Then I'll die the more content". Bravely he swam to work his scheme, And his struggles began to churn the cream. The more he swam, his legs a flutter, The more the cream turned into butter. On top of the butter at last he stopped, And out of the bowl he gaily hopped. What is the moral? It's easily found; If you can't hop out, keep swimming around. ? ? ? ? ? ~ May your days be filled with blessings Like the sun that lights the sky. And may you always have the courage, To spread your wings and fly.~ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1483 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Or on the back of my company t-shirts (I own a trucking company) Tell Us Where To Take A Dump Annette [email protected]_ (mailto:[email protected]) **************Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today. (http://www.fanhouse.com/fantasyaffair?ncid=aolspr00050000000020)

*APPROPRIATE SIGNS* Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.' ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: 'Time wounds all heels.' ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** At a Proctologist's door: 'To expedite your visit, please back in.' ************************** On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.' ************************** On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.' ************************** On a Church's Bill board: '7 days without God makes one weak.' ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: 'Invite us to your next blowout.' ************************** At a Towing company: 'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.' ************************** On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.' ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.' ************************** On a Maternity Room door: 'Push. Push. Push.' ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.' ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.' ************************** On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!' ************************** At a Car Dealership: 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.' ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.' ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!' ************************** At the Electric Company 'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.' ************************** In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.' ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.' ************************** At a Propane Filling Station: 'Thank heaven for little grills.' ************************** And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: 'Best place in town to take a leak.' Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: 'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises [Thanks, Larry!] ! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1460 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

More than anything else in life, it is important to remember that before opening mouth stop and think about what you gonna say *********************** Famous Bloopers - - - - - - - - - - “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” ~ Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. - - - - - - - - - - “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” ~ A congressional candidate in Texas. - - - - - - - - - - “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” ~ Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark - - - - - - - - - - “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” And (yea he gets two)… “We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” ~ Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of the Internet : ) - - - - - - - - - - “I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .” ~ Dan Quayle - - - - - - - - - - “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” ~ Lee Iacocca - - - - - - - - - - “The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” ~ Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. - - - - - - - - - - “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people” ~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. - - - - - - - - - - “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” ~ Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States - - - - - - - - - - “Traditionally, most of Australia ’s imports come from overseas.” ~ Keppel Enderbery - - - - - - - - - - “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” ~ Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina - - - - - - - - - - “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” ~ Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." - Vice-President Dan Quayle "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane. Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" - Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." - Knight Ridder News Service dispatch "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1457 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Famous Bloopers Well you know how it is, stressed out, you say the first thing - not always the best thing, not always the right thing, that comes to your mouth, without it ever stopping anywhere in your brain ....... ********************************************************************** I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal. "He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands. "It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position." - John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. "I didn't accept it. I received it." - Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan. "I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying." - Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US. "I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." - President Richard Nixon "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1457 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

AOL Email The Positive Side of Life Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1457 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

AOL Email PONDERISMS · I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. · Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. · The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. · Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. · There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. · Life is sexually transmitted. · Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. · The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. · Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. · Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. · Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. · All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. · In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. · Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. · Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1457 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

AOL Email A Plausible Explanation One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?" God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create." So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?" "I did that Adam so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you." Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1445 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS): I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months. A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1427 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Retirement plans compared... If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. ----- End forwarded message ----- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1427 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

Daffynitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: A grape with sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1420 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

*************************************************** BECAUSE I'M A MAN... Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only). Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do. _________ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1420 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

AOL Email WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) * Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. * A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! * Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. * They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. * When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. * They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks." * They don't say, "Hurry up." * Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. * They wear glasses and funny underwear. * They can take their teeth and gums out. * Grandparents don't have to be smart. * They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". * When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. * Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. * They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad. * A 6-year-old was asked where his granma lived. "She lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." * It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog." Get fantasy football with free live scoring. Sign up for FanHouse Fantasy Football today. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1403 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

An Alphabet for Ageing A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. . . Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low; I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed. And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed! Author Unknown -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1395 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied. "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied. "But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday." "Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects." On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your area - Check out TourTracker.com! -- Life Is Good-Enjoy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your area - Check out TourTracker.com! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1395 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

LOL Ron and Jerry, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Ron didn't show up. Jerry wasn't concerned; He thought Ron might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Ron hadn't shown up for a week or so, Jerry got really worried. After a month had passed, Jerry figured he had seen the last of Ron. On his next visit to the park, however, Ron was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Jerry exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Ron, what in the world happened to you?'' Ron replied, ''I've been in jail.'' ''Jail?'' cried Jerry. ''You?! What on earth for?'' ''Well,'' Ron said, ''you know , Tammy , That cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'' ''Yes,'' said Jerry, ''I remember her. What about her?'' ''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.'' ''The judge gave me 30 days for perjury!'' Get the scoop on last night's hottest shows and the live music scene in your area - Check out TourTracker.com! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1372 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. ` 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'. 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!' 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN TH E SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)! 8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the co rrect size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND OUR TROOP S Need to know now? Get instant answers with Windows Live Messenger. IM on your terms. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1372 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "YES!!" stated the waitress. "I'll take the special then." my wife said. "How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked. "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once. Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for fuel-efficient used cars. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1372 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. 4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. 10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number. 13. Think about this.... No one ever says 'It's only a game' when his team is winning! 14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. 15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket (Oh how true) 17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the golden oldies.) 18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Hugo. 19. If you can't change your mind, are you sure YOU have one!!?? 20. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gas prices getting you down? Search AOL Autos for fuel-efficient used cars. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for private users. It has removed 1347 spam emails to date. Paying users do not have this message in their emails. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len