This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." ========== On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"' The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling." ========== -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1726 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

*Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo? *Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV? *Why are there dents in a golf ball? *Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper? *How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich? *When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. *What would happen if you put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room? *Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up? *If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then? *How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time? *Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? *If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make A sound? *If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who Do you complain to? *Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come In jars? *Did Noah keep his bees in archives? *If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? *If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? *If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the Rabbit? *What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? *What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where Do you tell them to go? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1726 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

*Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? *When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? *What do mermaids eat? *If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Why ARE Trix only for kids? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1726 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

  Soon after the death of the armless ringer, when the bishop was still looking for a replacement for Quasimodo, a frail old man came dragging himself up the stairs to the belfry, and asked the bishop for the opportunity to apply for the job.  The bishop thought he was too old and frail, but the man told the bishop that he was the brother of the armless ringer, and that he'd really like a chance to apply for the job in honor of his dead brother.  The bishop agreed, and the frail old man began to ring the bells.  Clearly, he was as talented as his brother, and the bishop at last began to relax, thinking his problem was solved.  Suddenly, the old man gasped, grasped his chest, and fell to the floor of the belfry, dead of a sudden heart attack.   Hearing the thump, the bishop's assistant came running up the stairs, and cried out, "Oh no!  Again!  Bishop, who is this man?"   The bishop replied, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."        <G> -----Original Message----- From: Edna Wakeham <[email protected]> To: GenHumor <[email protected]> Sent: Wed, 8 Oct 2008 4:15 pm Subject: [GENHUMOR] Fw: BELL RINGER (olgie) AOL Email ew Bell Ringer After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word hrough the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop ecided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into th e elfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he ecided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and nnounced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with is face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a uitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to trike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the elfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached he street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the eautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted o let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “But his face sure rings bell.” New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, ovies, Events, News & more. Try it out! ------------------------------ o unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to [email protected] ith the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of he message

----- Original Message ----- From: Rebecca Clemmer To: bailey clemmer Sent: Monday, October 06, 2008 9:50 AM Subject: MY Resignation, Life should be this easy,... I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle. . . . . . . .and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew was colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, justice, a kind word, truth, peace, dreams, love, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So....here's my checkbook, my wallet, my car-keys, my credit cards and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. __._,_.___ __,_._,___ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1716 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning. 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife. 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband. 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished. ======= A real woman has a special attitude toward money. If she earns it, it is hers; if her husband earns it, it is theirs. Q: Why do men kneel down to propose? A: It's called surrender! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1716 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the shift key. 2) Hit the 4 key four times. ========== Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze. Q: If you peel my skin I won't cry, but you will. What am I? A: An onion! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1716 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

Success comes in cans - disappointment in cants! What other people do or say is their stuff; how we react is our stuff! A compassionate person develops an eye for spotting the qualities that make each person special. Even when others are at their lowest ebb, it is possible to help them restore their self-belief by keeping a firm, clear vision of their goodness and specialties. Taking a gently encouraging approach, I must never give up on anyone. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1716 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

AOL Email New Bell Ringer After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “But his face sure rings a bell.” New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out!

----- Original Message ----- From: Rebecca Clemmer To: bailey clemmer Sent: Saturday, October 04, 2008 9:12 PM Subject: When I'm an old lady!!! When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness..just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided. Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids). I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture... wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able! I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day! And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!" God Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere!  __._,_.___ __,_._,___ -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1700 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson. At every turn. Its obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, "Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy" Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, "It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there. At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert". Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, "You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa". "Thanks, lady," said gramps, "but I'm Albert -- the little guy's name is Johnny". ======== -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1699 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door. ~~~~~ The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?" ~~~~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1699 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

From: Investors anonymous Date: 10/1/2008 6:27:43 AM To: Interested parties Subject: Stock Holdings Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue Company. Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful! See how Windows Mobile brings your life together—at home, work, or on the go. See Now

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Weather excuses Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather? I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get more out of the Web. Learn 10 hidden secrets of Windows Live. Learn Now = -------------------------------------------------------------------------- See how Windows Mobile brings your life together—at home, work, or on the go. See Now -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1699 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1697 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mothers ..then buy a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want .. ..then buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ..then buy a dog. If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ..then buy a dog ! If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually .. ..then buy a dog. BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness . . . ..then buy a cat! Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you? ~smiles~ . -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1697 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

MEN Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win. ______________________________________________ Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. Please try to understand. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like ,milk or bread, cookies, ice cream. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ( applies to engineers mainly). _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Any pair of the 80 pairs of shoes in the closet is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? _______________________________________________ Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a soda wondering what to do. This has been a public service message for women to better understand men z No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.173 / Virus Database: 270.7.5/1700 - Release Date: 9/30/2008 11:03 AM -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1697 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.173 / Virus Database: 270.7.5/1700 - Release Date: 9/30/2008 11:03 AM -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1697 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

I hope no one gives you a problem ... I enjoyed it! On 9/29/08 9:41 PM, "Dianne" <[email protected]> wrote: > sorry about the "Drama" story, I didn't mean for it to go to the genhumor > list. hit the wrong button. I imagine I will get some backlash for this one. > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes > in the subject and the body of the message

A little girl was attending the church service, sitting next to her mother, on this particular Sunday. The minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Dear LOOORRRDDD!? Without you, we are but dust......'?? he took a long breath for emphasis... He would have continued but at that moment?this?very obedient daughter who was listening, leaned over to?her mother?and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,? "Mom , what is butt dust?" Four year old James was listening to a Bible story. His father read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned the little boy asked: "What happened to the flea?" Our youngest son was our "caboose" and was only six when his older sister graduated from the local high school back in the 80s. We were sitting in the bleachers on a cool June evening in Minnesota, waiting for the graduates to get their diplomas. Here, from under the bleachers came a teenage boy - running fast and stark naked except for tennis shoes! He had a brown?bag over his head and he raced across the football field at a high pace. He jumped a fence, the police gave him chase,?and he was tackled. A blanket was thrown over him and he?was?put in the back of a police car. I leaned down to my littlest one, and whispered, "Was that a boy or a girl?" He, in his loud innocent voice replied, "Mom, I couldn't see. He had a bag over his head!" The parents around us all burst out laughing, and turned around to see this innocent one. True DuBay story. He is now a Sheriff in a small MN town!

sorry about the "Drama" story, I didn't mean for it to go to the genhumor list. hit the wrong button. I imagine I will get some backlash for this one.