16..Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18. Procrastinate Now! 19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27..The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1751 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3..Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4..I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7..Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8..Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9..I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes 11..Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12 .. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13..The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1751 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out ! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people. = Stay up to date on your PC, the Web, and your mobile phone with Windows Live. See Now -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1742 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Washington DC Fence Repair Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at The White House in D.C. One from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida . They go with a White House Official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.' The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' The New Jersey contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.' 'Done!', replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how it all works !!! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1742 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Believe it or not , These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls! Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatch er: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher : Excuse me? Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and F oster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police. -- Life Is Good-Enjoy New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1737 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

The Broken Lawn Mower Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right. And the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important ... to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1737 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Sent: Monday, October 13, 2008 7:19 AM Subject: FW: Fwd: FW: NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS FOR 2008 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS FOR 2008 CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- McCain or Obama? Stay updated on coverage of the Presidential race while you browse - Download Now! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1731 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' ##### My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?' ### A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1731 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Try everything twice. On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times! 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches) 3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's! 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER. 6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend. 11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance. Remember! Lost time can never be found. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1731 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

Sporting Event Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and during the most critical time in the game. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it =========== -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1731 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

A middle-aged man took his car to an auto repair shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped out. "Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup!" The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference here is, my bill includes the checkup, and...the replacement of worn out parts! =========== Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a toilet bowl. Psychologist: Relax. You're fine, but you do look a little flushed. ========= A college student walks into his Ornithology class and finds five birds with bags over their heads so only their feet were showing. "What's this?" he asks. "It's an exam," explains the professor. "Your job is to identify each bird by looking at its feet." "This is a really stupid test, you know that?" "What's your name?" demands the angered professor. The student takes off his shoes and answers..."How about you tell me." -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1731 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

Why do they call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages? Because they had so many knights! Why do tigers eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook. When is an artist like an Indian shooting a arrow? When he draws a bow. What did the horse say when he fell? "I've fallen and I can't giddy-up." What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me. What did the eye say to the other eye? Between you and me something smells! Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up! ========== -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1731 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

Dreams have a way of becoming Whatever you want them to be, But they can only become as much As your inner eye can see. If your vision is very limited, Your dreams will be limited, too, For you can only stretch as far As your greatest dreams come true. So dream a dream worth dreaming, And raise your vision higher, And start today to open the door To gain your greatest desire. Envision the things you're dreaming As having come to be, Pretend you already own them, And pretty soon you'll see Your visions and dreams becoming More glorious every day, And things will start to happen In a most miraculous way. What wonders do await you? Only your dreams will tell, So dream a dream worth dreaming, And let it cast its spell. New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1731 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

Why Women HAVE TO Talk So Much A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?" -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1728 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped. We went to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department. "Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1728 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. Trusting you will do the right thing. P. S. If you have developed immunity from WINE and BEER, then as a last resort, take a VACATION (Viral Antidote for Contagious Anxiety- Taxing Incessant Overwork Neurosis) for 2 weeks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1728 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so! With an attitude he asked and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now! ' TO HECK WITH THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER! ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION DISCLAIMER The information contained in this email and any attachments is confidential and intended solely for the use of the named addressee(s). Any unauthorized use, copying, disclosure, or distribution of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately and delete this e-mail. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1726 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1726 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

The smallest good deed is better than the greatest intention. Our favorite attitude should be gratitude. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out. Who dares for nothing need hope for nothing. If you worry, will it change the future? Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due. If you don't care where you are going, any road will get you there. May your day be filled with blessings Like the sun that lights the sky, may you always have the courage To spread your wings and fly. The memories of tomorrow depend on your attitude today. Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. You have to love life to live it and vice versa. A journey begins with a single step. How we spend our days is, how we spend our lives. "Patience is the companion of wisdom." Saint Augustine -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1726 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith. ========== Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes. Q: What do you call a German with a bad attitude? A: A sour kraut ========= -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter for Personal use. SPAMfighter has removed 1726 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Trial and Professional version does not have this message in the email