Ok, I will let Edna be the only poster to this list. Too bad that you people don't post anyting. ----- Original Message ----- From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Sent: Wednesday, November 05, 2008 8:00 AM Subject: Re: [GENHUMOR] GENHUMOR postings...a reader's personal opinion; praising also Edna Wakeham I agree with you, Barbara.? I like Edna's postings too.? And, Dianne, I usually delete yours before reading them.? I don't think that they're appropriate for this list.? Sorry, JMHO...........Audrey ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message Internal Virus Database is out of date. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.138 / Virus Database: 270.8.5/1758 - Release Date: 10/31/2008 8:22 AM

I enjoyed these! I don't think you sent out the first group, though! Bonnie On 11/3/08 1:45 PM, "Edna Wakeham" <[email protected]> wrote: > 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the > lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the > manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. > "But why?", they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said," I can't stand > chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." > > 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a > family in Egypt and is > named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " > Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon > receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a > picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, > you've seen Ahmal." > > 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a > small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from > the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the > competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they > would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, > the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in > town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their > store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did > so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. > > 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which > produced an impressive > set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather > frail and, with his odd diet, > he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic > hexed by halitosis. > > 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, > with the hope that at > least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > -- > Plan your next getaway with AOL Travel. Check out Today's Hot 5 Travel Deals!

Hello! On 11/3/08 1:48 PM, "Dianne" <[email protected]> wrote: > Is this list still alive????? I only see a couple of people sending in > stuff. I would send in a lot of stuff, but everyone jumps on me when I do. > Let me know how many are on this list, If there is no one here, maybe I will > post again. <laughing> > Dianne > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes > in the subject and the body of the message

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Plan your next getaway with AOL Travel. Check out Today's Hot 5 Travel Deals! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1821 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

SMOKING My sister's Dr. decided it is time she stopped smoking. I called her the other day and asked her how it was going. "It's going just fine, I only smoke in the car while I am driving.", she said. Seeing as she doesn't go that much and never drives too far, I thought "Well that's good". So then I asked her how her day went yesterday and what did she do. She said she had to get some vitamins, so she drove down to San Jose and picked some up, today she was going to twin fall's Idaho to buy some curtains for her bedroom. (We live in the upper Northern Calif.) <laughing> (only smokes when she is in the car) <laughing>

BLOOD PRESSURE MACHINE I was in the drug store waiting for my prescription to filled, when I saw a free blood pressure machine in the corner. I thought what the heck, as long as I have to wait, I'll see what my blood pressure is. You step on the scale to be weighed and stick your arm in this automated cuff thing and to my surprise, a really LOUD voice says "YOU WEIGH ----LBS." The cuff around my arm had been inflating and I couldn't get it out, the voice says "YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE IS---OVER----, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR" Did you ever feel so embarrassed you wanted to sink into the ground? Well, I would have except the cuff is still inflated around my arm and won't let go. Everyone is staring at me and I am stuck on this machine. I kept waiting for the air to go out of the cuff, but it stayed inflated. I finally had to ask someone to go tell the pharmacy man to come and get me loose. He had to un-plug the machine to do it. By then my pills were ready and I promptly left with a red face. Needless to say, I changed my prescription to another pharmacy and will never go back there again. (I'm afraid some one might recognize me)

Bonfonte Gardens Last week I went with daughter Jill and her husband Russell and kids, Alix, 5 and Max , age 2, to Gilroy Calif. to see the Bonfonte Gardens. When we got into town and was looking for our hotel, I told Russell, "I think we are in the Latino part of town", along the sides of the road, you could see places called. "Mexican Seafood", "Garcia's Bar" and signs that said "Mariachi Bands playing nightly". The town was filled with Mexican restaurants and every corner store advertised "Tacos and Burritos sold at counter". Well, we decided that since Gilroy is a farming town in the Salinas Valley, the whole town was Latino. It is the first time I ever went to a Chevy's Fresh Mex Restaurant where "everyone" who worked there was Latino. Gilroy is the Garlic capital of the world. When we first got into town, we said, "doesn't the town smell good? " It smelled of roasted garlic. It was like someone was cooking a great meal somewhere. The second day, we were saying," Can you "Smell" that garlic? Even in the room." The 3rd day, we were saying, "What stinks in here?" Seems you can get too much of a good thing. I wonder if the town reeks of garlic year round???The first day we hit the 200 outlet stores that are in town. The second day we went to the Bonfonte gardens, which is a 600 acre park with gardens, flowers and an amusement park geared for the under 10 years of age set. They have a lake with these paddle boats that look like rubber duckys that you would put in the kids bath tub, only they are a lot bigger. They put you in the paddle duck and when they ring the bell, you are supposed to come back in. Jill and Alix went out in the boat, and had the longest ride ever in the history of the park. She couldn't get the paddle boat to do what she wanted. It would go around in circles, go backward, go side to side, it would do anything but go forward. They must have rung the bell 4 or 5 times before she got it close to the dock where they could lasso it and bring it in. Good thing Russell didn't take the paddle boat, he just had a vasectomy on Monday, and he would have died paddling that much. After walking around the first 300 acres, I think Russell was ready to rest. He was starting to walk bow legged, so we went on a few sit down and ride through the scenery rides. Alix had been talking in the car about how to speak Spanish, I told her how to say the car is out of gas, "The caro is outo gas-o-lin-o" So after she had me ride the "Snake" (a roller coaster) a few hundred times with her, I asked her if she knew what Vomit-nos meant in Spanish. She laughed, like I was nuts, but I think she knew what it meant. Russell rode it the rest of the time with her, I don't know if he enjoyed the ride much, he just had a vasectomy on Monday. After the park thing, we , (Russell) decided to find a store and see if he could get an ice pack. It was a "long" 600 acres. He passes by all the good looking stores and pulls into a corner market. "Why is it," says Jill, "If there is a market with bars on the windows and in the worst part of town, and proudly advertises, "we have the only Adult Videos in town", Russell can find it and park his family right next to the sex crazed serial killer in a van on one side, and a man trying to get his wife out of the bar and into the car with the kids on the other side." "Why," asks Jill, can't you just stop at the 7-11?" After a watermelon margarita at Chevy's along with the ice bag,( he just had a vasectomy on Monday you know) Russell was doing just fine by morning. By the time we made it home, Max had learned to say "Jesus" and once Russell had to pull over to tell him to behave.A little later, Max raises up his little fist, and asked his Dad, "You want a knuckle sandwich?" I thought we all would die laughing. I am not sure Russell wanted me to mention his vasectomy, so just ignore that part.

Drama Class vs Agriculture Class Sept. 25, 2008 My grand daughter Alix is in the 6th grade and they have electives that they can take for one period. Alix chose Drama because Photography was full. If they didn't like the class, they had a week to change. She stayed in, but one of the girls decided to change to Agriculture. I said, "what is she going to do raise a yak?" Alix said she didn't know what they did in Ag, so at the volley ball game today we asked her mom about her daughter changing out of drama class,, She said, "yes, drama just wasn't her, so she changed to ag and today they talked about cutting the gonads off a bull". leave it to me and my tourettes syndrome, my daughter says I have, and I promptly exclaimed, "Holy crap, they are going to learn castration in Ag class? I guess that will come in handy for her husband to know after she gets married." "Drama," I said, "that would be more dramatic for me than the drama class." my daughter Jill is poking me and under my breathe I am muttering to myself, "that's something that would look good on a resume' " "Knows how to castrate" <laughing> I wonder if they are actually going out to the field and practice this fine art of de-balling. I think Alix better stick with the Drama Class.

Texting Sept. 2008 I don't believe it. Our Governor in California has banned Texting on cell phones while driving.. How am I going to keep up with my BFF. (Best Friend Forever) <laughing. OMG! How funny we have to have a law to tell us that. it's like saying don't Field dress a deer while driving, or don't drive if you are blind .I have seen people reading a map, putting on makeup, dressing, kissing their dog, eating a hamburger while driving. But texting? wouldn't everyone already know that??? I guess not, some kids today say they can text without even looking at the phone. I just learned how to do the cellphone while driving and they took that away from me, thank god for the speaker phone part of it. I know, I know, I can't hold it in my hand while the speaker phone is on. I lay it on the seat. I couldn't text if the car was in the driveway and I was the passenger.

Hi Bonnie, should I post or not? ----- Original Message ----- From: Bonnie Wright To: [email protected] Sent: Monday, November 03, 2008 10:57 AM Subject: Re: [GENHUMOR] helloo??????? Hello! On 11/3/08 1:48 PM, "Dianne" <[email protected]> wrote: > Is this list still alive????? I only see a couple of people sending in > stuff. I would send in a lot of stuff, but everyone jumps on me when I do. > Let me know how many are on this list, If there is no one here, maybe I will > post again. <laughing> > Dianne > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes > in the subject and the body of the message ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com Version: 8.0.138 / Virus Database: 270.8.5/1758 - Release Date: 10/31/2008 8:22 AM

Is this list still alive????? I only see a couple of people sending in stuff. I would send in a lot of stuff, but everyone jumps on me when I do. Let me know how many are on this list, If there is no one here, maybe I will post again. <laughing> Dianne

                         A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Plan your next getaway with AOL Travel. Check out Today's Hot 5 Travel Deals! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1821 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

There are treasures in life, but owners are few Of money and power to buy things brand new. Yet you can be wealthy and feel regal too, If you will just look for the treasures in you. These treasures in life are not hard to find When you look in your heart, your soul, and your mind. For when you are willing to share what's within, Your fervent search for riches will end. The joy and the laughter, the smile that you bring; The heart unafraid to love and to sing. The hand always willing to help those in need; Ones quick to reach out, to labor and feed. So thank you for sharing these great gifts inside; The caring, the cheering, the hug when one cried. Thanks for the energy, encouragement too, And thank you for sharing the treasures in you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Plan your next getaway with AOL Travel. Check out Today's Hot 5 Travel Deals! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1816 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

>> >> >> >>A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when >>behind >>him he hears: >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >> >>Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out >>the image >>of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street >>toward him. >> >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >> >> >>Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing >>quickly behind him. >> >> >> >> >>FASTER... >> >> >> >>FASTER... >> >> >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >> >>BUMP... >> >> >> >> >>BUMP.... >> >> >> >>He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes >>in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes >>through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. >> >> >>clappity-BUMP... >> >> >> >>clappity-BUMP... >> >> >>clappity-BUMP... >> >> >>on his heels, as the terrified man runs. >> >> >> >>Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is >>pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. >> >> >> >>With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>Bumping and clapping toward him. >> >> >> >> >> >>The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he >>can find >>is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup >>at the >>casket.. >> >> >>and, >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>(hopefully you're ready for this!!!) >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>The coffin stops >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>

Birth Certificate shows that we were born A Death Certificate shows that we died Pictures show that we lived! Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly. I Believe... That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other. I Believe... That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I Believe... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I Believe... That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I Believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I Believe... That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I Believe... That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I Believe... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I Believe... That either you control your attitude or it controls you. I Believe... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I Believe... That money is a lousy way of keeping score. I Believe... That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I Believe... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up. I Believe... That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I Believe... That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I Believe... That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. I Believe... That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I Believe... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become. I Believe... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever. I Believe... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I Believe... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I Believe... That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help. I Believe... That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I Believe... That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. 'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.' _____________________________________________________________ Get help now! Click to find the right drug rehab solution for you. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1801 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

This is a test of the Emergency Friendship System ....a Friend does most or all of these... (A)ccepts you as you are (B)elieves in 'you' (C)alls you just to say 'HI' (D)oesn't give up on you (E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts) (F)orgives your mistakes (G)ives unconditionally (H)elps you (I)nvites you over (J)ust 'be' with you (K)eeps you close at heart (L)oves you for who you are (M)akes a difference in your life (N)ever Judges (O)ffer support (P)icks you up (Q)uiets your fears (R)aises your spirits (S)ays nice things about you (T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it (U)nderstands you (V)alues you (W)alks beside you (X)-plains thing you don't understand (Y)ells when you won't listen and (Z)aps you back to reality -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1793 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

I wake up in the morning, And can hardly wait to see If I've received a mailing, addressed from you to me. I get my puter running And much to my delight, Your poems, jokes and other things Come quickly into sight. Please keep those emails coming, They are so enjoyable you see Funny things, friendly things Those things you mail to me. But most of all the fun of it, Is knowing that they came. >From you my friend, The one I need not name. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1793 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you - - quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you - - don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple." Play online games for FREE at Games.com! All of your favorites, no registration required and great graphics – check it out!

Have you ever heard of Gossip Town, On the shore of Falsehood Bay, Where old Dame Rumor, with rustling gown, Is going the livelong day? It isn’t far to Gossip Town For people who want to go. The Idleness train will take you down, In just an hour or so. The Thoughtless road is a popular route. And most folks start that way. But it’s steep down grade; if you don’t watch out, You’ll land in Falsehood Bay. You’ll glide through the valley of Vicious Folk. And into the tunnel of Hate, Then crossing the Add-To bridge, You walk right into the city gate. The principal street is called They-Say, And, I’ve-Heard is the city well, And the breezes that blow from Falsehood Bay Are laden with Don’t- You- Tell. In the midst of the town is Telltale Park, You’re never quite safe while there, For it’s owner is Madam Suspicious Remark, Who lives on the street Don’t Care. Just back of the park is Slanders’ Row, ‘Twas there Good Name died, Pierced by a dart from Jealousy’s bow, In the hands of Envious Pride. >From Gossip Town, Peace long since fled, But Trouble, Grief, and Woe, And Sorrow and Care you’ll meet instead If ever you chance to go. Unknown New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out!

AOL Email If A Dog Were Your Teacher If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like... - When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. - Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. - Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. - When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience. - Let others know when they've invaded your territory. - Take naps and stretch before rising. - Run, romp, and play daily. - Thrive on attention and let people touch you. - Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. - On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. - On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. - When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. - No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. - Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. - Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. - Be loyal. - Never pretend to be something you're not. - If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. - When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.5 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1751 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message