The Flat Tire Sept. 22. 2001 My daughter Jill and I were going to Sacramento, and when we were just a few miles out of Auburn, we heard this weird noise. "what's that noise?" she asked. I said, "Helicopter, and a big one!" we were all looking up to the sky for a helicopter making a big thumping noise, and then Jill turns to me and said, "That's no helicopter, that's a flat tire!" Oh boy, here we are on the side of the freeway with two kids, 18 months and 4 years old. Luckily we had cell phone, unlucky that we had no signal and couldn't call out. We are screwed. She says she has watched her husband change a tire, she could do it. I get out with the kids, holding baby Max and hanging on to little Alix's hand, trying to look helpless and forlorn. Now we are really screwed. ( I look more like a truck driver) Jill takes the tire iron and lays down under the car, as she attempts to beat the bolt off the bottom of something to get the spare tire. That doesn't work, and neither does me looking helpless, the cars are flying past. I told her just wait, a cop will come by and call the 3-A. We wait, as she reads the car manual, finds out you don't get the spare by beating on something under the car. You merely twist something inside the back hatch of the mini van. We get the tire, and now she is attempting jack up the jack, no luck. We are screwed. They baby is tired of me holding him, so he is pinching the skin on the under side if my upper arm. (you know, where the flabby stuff is) He is thinking this is great, Grandma is making more moves than a monkey with 10 feet of rope! Here comes a hiway patrolman..................he keeps right on going, a few minutes later, here comes an Auburn City policeman.............he keeps right on going................ Now I am getting hot, I take the spare tire, and throw it behind the van, just in case they missed the point as to why we are here. Do they think we pull off a freeway to get out of the mini van and have a picnic lunch on the side of the road with two little kids? In the meantime, Jill keeps trying to call her husband, but the signal won't go through. Two placer county Sheriffs go by, do they stop? No they don't. Baby Max is playing, "pull grandma's face off, because she has no hands to stop me". Just as I am thinking for about the 10th time, we are screwed, a young guy about 30 years old, in a white pickup pulls up behind us. He said he saw us here on his way up to Auburn, and we were still here when he came back, so he thought maybe we could use some help. He changed the tire in about 5 minutes and we were on our way to Les Schwabs for tires. In the meantime, Jill's husband kept getting these calls and his caller ID says it's from Jill's phone. He can't hear anything, just a buzzing noise. So he says if you are in trouble call right back. He immediately gets another call, only Jill can't hear him and thinks it's not going through. He jumps in his truck and heads for Sacramento looking for us along the road. The only trouble was, we went the other way. We finally meet up as we were on our way to the tire store. Now we are all in Sacramento, 50 miles of home. Just as we get the tires, it starts to rain, thunder, lightning, the whole nine yards. Thank god, we weren't still standing alongside the road. I think we may invest in some of that spare tire in the can stuff.

Beware of newly discovered email virus I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970. Symptoms : 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who me? 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well, darn! 6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished.Oh no -- not again! 7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that! 8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' Oh No! IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.' New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out! Store, manage and share up to 5GB with Windows Live SkyDrive. Start uploading now -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1866 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Subject: Stock market advice Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of individual stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company. Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful! -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1866 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Two seniors were about to get married. They decided they should have a pre-nup agreement. She said, "I want to keep my house." He said, "That's fine with me." She said, "I want to keep my Cadillac." He said, "That's fine with me,\." She said, "I want to have sex six times a week." He said, "Put me down for Fridays." -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1866 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

World's Shortest Fairytale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No." And she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank margarita's with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes, handbags and was never farted on. The End **************Get the Moviefone Toolbar. Showtimes, theaters, movie news & more!(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100000075x1212774565x1200812037/aol?redir=htt p://toolbar.aol.com/moviefone/download.html?ncid=emlcntusdown00000001)

Ooops! Several times I have "replied" to a writer, without looking at the "to" and thus have had the message go to the entire list. I apologize!!! Bonnie On 11/14/08 8:50 AM, "Bonnie Wright" <[email protected]> wrote: > Rebecca, Thanks for the positive feedback! My husband the sweetest man you > could imagine ... But he is also gullible ... AND open to a good joke, even if > it's on him. I usually spend Thanksgiving with my sister, but that isn't > happening this year. I don't usually cook a turkey ... There will just be 3 > of us for Thanksgiving ... I wonder how big a bird I would need to get the > hen in there? Bonnie On 11/14/08 1:38 AM, "Rebecca" > <[email protected]> wrote: > Bonnie what a great story. Hope your > husband falls for it if you try it on it. > Ha -------------- Original message > from Bonnie Wright <[email protected]>: > -------------- > PREGNANT TURKEY > STORY > > One year at Thanksgiving, my > mom went to my sister's house for > the > traditional feast. Knowing how > gullible my sister is, my mom decided > > to play a trick. > > She told my > sister that she needed something from > the store. > > When my sister left, my > mom took the turkey out of the > oven, removed the > stuffing, stuffed a > Cornish hen, and inserted it into > the turkey, and > re-stuffed the turkey. > She then placed the bird(s) back > in the oven. > > When it was time for > dinner, my sister pulled the turkey > out of the oven > and proceeded to remove > the stuffing. When her serving > spoon hit > something, she reached in and > pulled out the little bird. > > > With a look of total shock on her face, my > mother exclaimed, "Patricia, > > you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality > of this horrifying news, > > my sister started to cry. > > It took the family > two hours to convince her > that turkeys lay eggs! > > > Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! > > ======= > > OK, I¹ll confess: My friend > sent this to me. > But I enjoyed it enough, > that I hope all of you will, too. > > I¹m not sharing it with my husband, > yet, though ‹ Wonder if I can actually > > pull it off?!? :) > Enjoy! > > Bonnie > > ------------------------------- > > To unsubscribe from the > list, please send an email to > > [email protected] with the word > 'unsubscribe' without the quotes > in > the subject and the body of the > message > ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, > please send an > email to [email protected] with the word > 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the > message ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, > please send an email to [email protected] with the word > 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in the subject and the body of the message

Rebecca, Thanks for the positive feedback! My husband the sweetest man you could imagine ... But he is also gullible ... AND open to a good joke, even if it's on him. I usually spend Thanksgiving with my sister, but that isn't happening this year. I don't usually cook a turkey ... There will just be 3 of us for Thanksgiving ... I wonder how big a bird I would need to get the hen in there? Bonnie On 11/14/08 1:38 AM, "Rebecca" <[email protected]> wrote: > Bonnie what a great story. Hope your husband falls for it if you try it on it. > Ha -------------- Original message from Bonnie Wright <[email protected]>: > -------------- > PREGNANT TURKEY STORY > > One year at Thanksgiving, my > mom went to my sister's house for the > traditional feast. Knowing how > gullible my sister is, my mom decided > to play a trick. > > She told my > sister that she needed something from the store. > > When my sister left, my > mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the > stuffing, stuffed a > Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and > re-stuffed the turkey. > She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. > > When it was time for > dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven > and proceeded to remove > the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit > something, she reached in and > pulled out the little bird. > > With a look of total shock on her face, my > mother exclaimed, "Patricia, > you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality > of this horrifying news, > my sister started to cry. > > It took the family > two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! > > > Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! > > ======= > OK, I¹ll confess: My friend > sent this to me. > But I enjoyed it enough, that I hope all of you will, too. > > I¹m not sharing it with my husband, yet, though ‹ Wonder if I can actually > > pull it off?!? :) > Enjoy! > Bonnie > > ------------------------------- > > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes > in > the subject and the body of the message > ------------------------------- To unsubscribe from the list, please send an > email to [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the > quotes in the subject and the body of the message

Bonnie what a great story. Hope your husband falls for it if you try it on it. Ha -------------- Original message from Bonnie Wright <[email protected]>: -------------- > PREGNANT TURKEY STORY > > One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the > traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided > to play a trick. > > She told my sister that she needed something from the store. > > When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the > stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and > re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. > > When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven > and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit > something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. > > With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, > you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, > my sister started to cry. > > It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! > > Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! > > ======= > OK, I¹ll confess: My friend sent this to me. > But I enjoyed it enough, that I hope all of you will, too. > I¹m not sharing it with my husband, yet, though ‹ Wonder if I can actually > pull it off?!? :) > Enjoy! > Bonnie > > ------------------------------- > To unsubscribe from the list, please send an email to > [email protected] with the word 'unsubscribe' without the quotes in > the subject and the body of the message

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE! ======= OK, I¹ll confess: My friend sent this to me. But I enjoyed it enough, that I hope all of you will, too. I¹m not sharing it with my husband, yet, though ‹ Wonder if I can actually pull it off?!? :) Enjoy! Bonnie

GRANDCHILDREN My heart is happy when you arrive, A greater joy you could not derive. Grandchildren, what an honor to behold-- None greater on earth, I'm told. It's true, life passes with barely a glance When suddenly, you're given grandchildren And another chance To live again, to love again, To watch a new life grow and grow. Live isn't easy, but somehow when they arrive I always find it a little easier to survive, Their warm tenderness as I hold them near Makes all past hardships disappear. A loving Thank You, God and family, for my grandchildren. They add love and happiness to your life once again. ---Midge Zielinski -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

GRANDPAS Grandpas are people who shave every day, They're beautiful on the outside, inside and in every way. They have tools you can borrow, YOU'LL USE THEM JUST UNTIL TOMORROW. Two weeks go by, and the tools don't appear. Grandpas say, "Like Houdini, they just disappear." One thing always on the docket is candy in the vest pocket. And so you won't be the only one to eat, they'll join you in the treat. To Grandma he's always around To son he has two feet on the ground To daughter he's always in high key. To Grandchildren, he's a celebrity. ---Midge Zielinski Kind of old-fashioned isn't he? -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

GRANDMAS Grandmas are people who always have gum, or cookies or candy whenever you come. They always have something to play with that's fun And a box full of toys for the littlest one. They're glad to read stories whenever you wish, They don't even scold when you break their best dish. They make little dresses and sun suits and shirts, They're there when you need them to kiss where it hurts. They buy you ice cream cones whenever you're good They'd give you the moon and the stars if they could. They let you dress up in their best dress and hat. In a pinch they'll take turns with a baseball and bat. Some grandmas have black hair and others have gray, but still, the world over, they're all the same way. They love every child and, in case you don't know, grandmas are people who never say "No." ---Midge Zielinski -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

This chain letter was started by a woman like yourself, in the hope of bringing relief to tired, discontented wives. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to five of your female friends who are equally tired. Then, bundle up your husband, and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top, you will receive 16,748 men. Some of them will be dandies. Have faith, and don't break the chain. One woman who broke the chain got her own husband back. At the time of this writing, a friend of mine has received 183 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Sometimes I think I understand everything.... Then I regain consciousness. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Isn't it GREAT to be a woman!/ Help the ladies live longer - Share this laugh with the women you know and remind them that it's great to be able to giggle at life's little oddities. Share the smiles! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They keep telling us to get in tough with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell, my body said, "Listen, Fatty. Do it and die!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does. ~~~~~~~~~~~~The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Grandma's off her rocker In the dim and distant past, When life's tempo wasn't fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit. When we were in a jam We could always count on gram. In the age of gracious living, Grandma's life was one of giving. BUT TODAY Now grandma's at the gym, Exercising to keep slim. She's off touring with the bunch, Or taking all her friends to lunch. Driving north to fish or hike, Taking time to ride her bike. Nothing seems to block or stop her, Now that grandma's off her rocker. Author unknown -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

When Jimmy came home from the birthday party, his grandmother asked him how it was. "Really neat," he replied. "but a funny thing happened. They must have run out of napkins, 'cause they had to use pieces of cloth." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A bakery customer complained about the pastry. "I was making pastry before you were born!" replied the indignant baker. "Maybe so," answered the customer, 'but why wait until now to sell it?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two old friends met in the park. "Nu, I haven't seen you in 25 years. Tell me, how is your boy Harry?" "Harry? There's a son! He's a doctor with a wonderful office, with patients from all over the United States!" "Marvelous! And what about Benny?" "Benny? A lawyer. He takes cases all the way up to the Supreme Court!" "My! And your third boy, Izzy?" "Izzy's still Izzy. Still a tailor," sighed the old father. "And I tell you, if not for Izzy, we'd all be starving!" -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

The granddaughter watched as grandma applied lipstick, rouge and a dab of "make 'em melt" perfume behind each wrinkled ear. "Where are you going?" asked the granddaughter. "I'm going out and I'm going to glow like the flame of youth." "But grandma, your 'glowing' days are over, er, uh, and your flame of youth is, well, it's..." "Hush your mouth, child. Don't ever think that just because the light is out the current is off!" -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1862 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

This keyboard on my computer Is the pulse beat of my heart. It makes no difference we haven't met, Or live miles and miles apart. As music is soothing to the soul, Your emails fill my heart with song. You are so much a part of my life Without you, I wouldn't be as strong. You lift me up when I am down, You listen to what I have to say You always show that you care. You make a difference in my day. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1859 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

Subject: Lipstick problem According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers . . . and then there are educators. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1859 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message

If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine If the 'Bedtimes' message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub of water. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. *** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX! And look at you -- you're on the computer! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AOL Search: Your one stop for directions, recipes and all other Holiday needs. Search Now. -- I am using the free version of SPAMfighter. We are a community of 5.6 million users fighting spam. SPAMfighter has removed 1859 of my spam emails to date. Get the free SPAMfighter here: http://www.spamfighter.com/len The Professional version does not have this message